struggle

I have to be honest with you guys—I have been struggling BIG TIME with something small, that has turned into something LARGE, since I’ve been sober—and that something is FOOD. Sugar in particular.

I know I posted this long post around the first of January about revamping my life and cutting out sugar—I even did the Master Cleanse for 14 days! And that was a good start. I dropped a few Christmas pounds, and felt a lot better. But the battle of the bulge (that extra 10 pounds that WILL not go away) is on and it seemingly has gotten so much worse just this year.

Don’t get me wrong, I know by no means that I am fat. I’m not. I’m a comfortable size 8 at the moment. But I have always been between sizes 4-6 all of my 20’s. and now, at the ripe age of 29, I just can’t seem to get back down to my ideal weight and size.

And I have to be honest—it’s killing me! It’s something that is pervading most all of my thoughts. It’s something I am constantly obsessing about.

I have ALWAYS been a relatively thin but healthy girl. Probably because I have always been active. ALWAYS. I ran my first marathon at age 18 and even in the past few months, I've run 5-6 miles daily AND I get in about 3-4 hour long yoga sessions a week. And most of the time I do eat really healthy and good. But I binge. I’ll eat healthy for 4-5 days and then eat junk food for the next 3. and then I wonder why my pants don’t fit. Hmmmm…….

It’s not just that my pants don’t fit, (although they don’t)  I’m having a hard time being kind to myself while my pants aren’t fitting. I’m basically basing my whole self worth on if my pants fit or not. And that is absurd. It’s insane. I’m telling myself horribly ugly things because of these extra 10 pounds.

I hate that I’m such an addict. I have this all or nothing mentality that is absolutely driving me crazy right now. Either I’m 100% healthy or I’m 100% unhealthy. No in-between. And since I cut out alcohol and tobacco, I’ve turned to food without even realizing it.

Now, don’t get me wrong---I LOVE food. I love to eat. I have always been a good eater. I remember people constantly remarking, “my, that girl can eat”. And it’s true—I can. And I love to eat. But lately it’s not just that I love to eat that’s getting me in trouble, it’s that I’m eating when I’m not hungry. I’m eating my emotions. I’m eating my feelings. and I’m completely addicted to sugar. It also doesn’t help that I know that my metabolism has slowed down due to my age.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like no matter how healthy I eat or how many miles I run that my pants are never going to fit again.

And that’s a lie, because eventually, they always do.

I know the answer to this is to stay consistent.

I’m talking to my friend about doing a food log and calling her at the end of everyday with what I’ve eaten—good ole accountability never hurt this gal;)

I need to practice affirmations and meditate more. My self worth is NOT based on how much I weigh. It’s based on who I am on the inside. And if I get my inside okay, my outside will be okay. I’m convinced of this.

I just thought I should be honest and let you know about this struggle. It’s frustrating. It’s difficult. It’s Life. And it’s not nearly the worst thing to be struggling with. Thank goodness this is my only problem today, right?!

I’m going to try and love myself exactly as I am. Because today may be all I have.

But boy oh boy—I can’t wait until those damn pants fit again.

One thing that may get me back on track with fitness and health is the weekend worship with Desiree Rumbaugh!! I am SO excited about getting to work with her this weekend. She is an international outstanding yoga instructor and we are HONORED that she is going to be in Jackson, MS this weekend!

So, if you don't have anything going on, hop over and join us! I'm hoping to have a lot of "ah ha" moments and get my head straight so I can get to work on resolving these body/mind issues that are going on.

If anyone has any encouragement or can relate, I'd love to hear about it!

Happy Weekend, Friends!

I hope that whatever you are struggling with, that you will know you are not alone.  Being human is hard. 

But even in great difficulty lies beauty. I'm just straining to see it;)

I hope that I always remember, no matter what I weigh.......that I AM good enough. and so are you!

Parlor Market

I am finally off work for a few days! YES! I can’t tell you though, how much I love my place of employment and co-workers. I have grown to love them all so much that the thought of not working there one day makes me pretty sad. But, we won’t go there now.

What has the elusive Blonde Aquarius been up to, you might be asking? (although more than likely not).

Aside from working my hiney off, My best friend, Eric, has been in town since Monday! After work we’ve enjoyed hanging out and fellowshipping with friends. We went to see The Fighter and it was awesome. I highly recommend it.

But the real highlight of the week was eating at one of downtown  Jackson’s  newest, hippest restaurants, Parlor Market!

Lydia, Eric, and I had the pleasure of dining there yesterday for lunch.

The atmosphere is amazing. I kinda never wanted to leave.

The food is rock-star good.
Deviled Eggs for Appetizers

Most Amazing Burger....EVER!

Desserts were out of this world!

And the service was wonderful.


The host ended up being a buddy of mine, Sweet Julian.

and our server was an old college friend!

I highly recommend you get downtown and check it out! I can't wait for the next meal there.


I hope that you enjoy these last 2 days of 2010. It's been an interesting year for sure. I'll post tomorrow about my New Years Intentions and plans. 
Until then, Happy Last Thursday of The Year!!!

Christmas Day

This year Christmas was a little different. Not bad different. And not good different.  Just different. We didn’t do any of our annual traditions. For the past 23 years, we’ve spent Christmas day with our dear friends, the Maranto family. Claire (the eldest of the Maranto clan) welcomed a beautiful baby boy into the world just a few weeks ago and so, of course, the family went to visit the new baby! I can’t wait to meet Nathan. He’s such a cutie! This year was the first year that it’s just been our family eating around the table on Christmas day. Wendy (Brian’s girlfriend) joined us and we were so thankful for her presence. Wendy is truly a blessing.

And as usual, Irwin took center stage. I just love that little boy to pieces.

 we always have a real, live Christmas tree. We've never, in my 28 years, ever had a fake tree.

Our mantle with our stockings;)

Brian 



Caroline in her pimp pineapple sunglasses

My mom brought these back from Hawaii. I don’t think she had any idea what they were. We all got a big laugh out of them;) The Marijuana sunglasses were a hit!



Santa brought me a beautiful ring!

And my sister gave me this cool Owl necklace

and this cool book

The most fun was watching Irwin "open" his gifts

Irwin has a beautiful mother!

We love to read to our baby

My mom was pretty excited about her Drew Brees book!

My sweet parents have been married 31 years!

My mom cooked us an amazing dinner!

but it's a tradition that i make the sweet potato casserole

we all ate at the "big" table this year

and Winn loves to eat as well

Holly (our outside dog for over 12 years)

me and my babies (Irwin and Mr. Buckley)

As you can see, I am blessed.

I hope your Christmas day was wonderful.

Merry Christmas!





Day Off

Finally. A day off.

Although I LOVE my work place and all my co-workers immensely, I am SO happy about my day off. For the past 5 days I have done nothing but work, come home and sleep, and go back to work. Which is probably what normal people do everyday, 365 days of the year. But not I. I’ve been only working part time while going to school and now that I’m out of school for the semester, I’ve been working a lot. Which is good because I feel like working increases my productivity, makes me a contributing member of society, and is just good for me all the way around. BUT, I am very excited about my day off.

This is what I plan on doing today:

 lazing on the couch 

 while pretending i'm really lazing on this couch with that man

eating lots of good food. possibly pancakes from Ihop

or pizza from Sal and Mookies

or a Gyro wrap and cottage fries from Keifers

Watching myself get ginormously fat

Browsing through hilarious and inappropriate Christmas cards

Going to see Black Swan

with lots of my favorites

 (Yes, I realize I posted Richard twice...cause he is pretty much my all-time favorite)

So there you have it. 

I hope everyone is enjoying this holiday season.

I sure am.

I'll leave you with this little image i found that i thought was very fitting

As always,

Yours,

Jennifer