walk the talk

Most kids hear what you say; some kids do what you say; but all kids do what you do.
—Kathleen Casey Theisen

We are role models for many people: our children, our co-workers, other women in the program. Step Twelve encourages us to set good examples for anyone who might be looking on. Living a principled life takes practice, and progress, not perfection, is hoped for.

Abstinence has offered us a new set of tools for shaping our behavior. No longer must we regret what we did yesterday or last week. We are learning to monitor our actions, but even more importantly, we are defining our values. They, in turn, influence what we say and do.

Thoughtful responses to the situations we encounter require conscious attention to those events. We need reminding, perhaps, that our behavior is continuously telling others who we are, what we value, and how we view the people close to us. All of us, consciously or otherwise, imitate behavior patterns of persons we admire. Unfortunately, we sometimes mimic unfavorable behavior, too.

There are those casting their attention our way. The opportunity to model favorable behavior awaits us.

People will follow my lead. I shall walk softly, humbly and lovingly.

(meditation of the day from Each Day a New Beginning)

yoga: year in review

This past year has held a lot of goodness for me. It’s actually been more pleasant than painful. And I can’t remember many years prior when I’ve been able to say that.

One of the reasons this year was so good was my commitment and dedication to my yoga practice. I’ve practiced more consistently in the past 2 years than I ever have before—even when I was teaching. I made a pact to try and get to my mat, no matter what’s going on or how I’m feeling, at least twice a week. And I basically honored that pact until Gross Anatomy turned ugly. And in all reality, I should have STILL keep that pact. But there literally is not enough time in the day.

This is my year-in- yoga review.

It's my year in review because I'm honoring Samhain this year which is observed on October 31st. 

In February, I had the pleasure of studying under MY very own yoga teacher, Scotta Brady, in a workshop she held in New Orleans. I also celebrated my 29^th birthday while there.

In April we had the honor of hosting Desiree Rumbaugh here in Jackson! I absolutely loved Desiree and the way she led us and taught us the secret of rooting to T-12. That phrase is permanently stuck in my head.. “root to T-12…hello, T-12, come in T-12”.

At the beginning of June, a few of us traveled back down to New Orleans to study with Jordan Bloom. Jordan was a pure delight. His spirit and energy are contagious. I loved his teaching style. He is very playful yet very direct. One of my favorite quotes from him is, “It doesn’t matter how far you go, it’s how you go far”.

In August, we had the privilege of hosting (for the second time in the past 2 years) Noah Maze! Noah came to us from Los Angeles and out of all the yoga workshops I’ve participated in during the last several years, his are the most physically challenging. He pushes me to a new edge every time I study with him. I love the way Noah interweaves the ancient texts into our practice. He is a masterful story teller.

I ended my yoga year with none other than the founder of Anusara yoga, John Friend.

John comes to New Orleans just about every year during Halloween. It’s John’s favorite holiday. I was going back and forth about attending because of school but I had signed up for this back in July and had been looking forward to it all summer. So, I worked my ass off to finish my school work in time and I was able to go. And I’m so glad I went.

John’s enthusiasm and energy are captivating. He talked a lot about energies and spirits, which was fitting because we were in New Orleans on HALLOWEEN. One of the main things I took away from that workshop was the concept of light and dark…of death and life. How we must die in order to really live. How every savasana is symbolic of death. And how we must not fear death but embrace it. How we must not fear change or the “death” of things or relationships. How our automatic response is to cling instead of to let go. How it is imperative that we embrace whatever it is that comes our way.

However, although I had the privilege of studying with some amazing  international teachers, my practice would not be where it is today if it were not for my local teachers. Scotta Brady has been impacting my life for the past decade and I’m so proud to call her my teacher. As well as my dear friend, Tara Blumenthal. Thank you ladies for your endless support and encouragement; For teaching me what it truly means to live your yoga on and off the mat. I look forward to many more lessons and classes with you both.

Many of you know that I study yoga; that I’ve taught yoga; and that yoga is something that means a lot to me. But I’m not sure that I’ve ever told you why it’s so important to me.

Why do I practice yoga?

From the time I started studying and practicing yoga when I was 19 years old, I developed an instant love for this ancient practice. I was asking questions and seeking to understand more of what life is about. I wanted to find purpose. I wanted to know my purpose. I was confused and frustrated and in a lot of pain when I found yoga. I wanted so much more out of life. When I began practicing an asana practice at 19, I had no idea what would unfold. I had no idea that yoga would ultimately save my life.

As most of know, I suffered from addiction for a long time. I found yoga right before my addiction took a turn for the worst. With yoga, I found that internal peace I had been searching for. I found forgiveness and love. I found that yoga knew no boundaries. You didn’t have to be a certain color to practice; you didn’t have to believe a certain thing. It was all inclusive, it was warm, it was accepting. It was all the things that religion was not (but should be).

When I moved home from college, I met my best friend and yoga teacher, Theresa Luke. She had just started a yoga studio in Meridian. She took me under her wing and I became a teacher for the yoga studio! We were on fire. And it was hard to be on fire for yoga in Meridian, MS. But she challenged the assumption that a studio would not make it. She poured her passion and her soul into Laughing Llama (now Maitri Wellness) and it was truly one of the best times of my life. We went all over taking yoga workshops. Asheville, Charleston, Jackson…..We were a couple of open-minded hippy chicks in the middle of a very small, closed-minded, conservative town. Unfortunately, shortly after things were getting good at the studio, I took a major turn for the worse and was separated from Theresa and the studio. The next few years were really rough. I traveled down some dark roads. But I never gave up on yoga. Or rather, yoga never gave up on me. It was my one constant.  Even when I was in treatment (a nice way of saying “rehab”) I made time to practice at least 3 times a week. Yoga nourished my soul. Yoga taught me that I am worthy just because I exist. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried on my mat in child’s pose…overwhelmed with sadness and grief and despair and disappointmen. I hurt a lot of people during that time. Myself included. 

When I moved to Jackson to get sober in the Fall of 2009, I had no idea what would happen with my practice. I knew Butterfly was still there (as it was during my years in college) but I just didn’t know where I belonged or where I fit in anymore because I was so utterly lost and lifeless. I told myself I wasn’t good enough and that I shouldn’t be practicing because I’m a loser and a failure at life. I was a hypocrite who professed yoga with my mouth but did drugs and hurt people with my actions. I just didn’t want to fail…again. But, after a few months of staying sober, I found out about a 12-step yoga class offered by a teacher who was also in recovery. I grew so excited. Yoga for people like me! Yoga for the people who are failures, who smoke dope, and who aren’t soccer moms! And I went. as soon as my forehead hit the mat, I knew I was home. I signed back up for regular classes and made a commitment, no matter how good or how bad I feel I am, to get on my mat and do it again; to pick myself back up and start all over.

Every time I get on my mat, I start anew; afresh. And with every savasana, I practice “dying”……I practice letting go, I practice surrendering.

Yoga has taught me (and continues to teach me) how to live; On and off the mat. It’s taught me that no matter what is going on, I’m going to be okay. That I AM worthy no matter what I do; that my thoughts become my actions so I better learn to control them! That what I struggle and battle with most, is myself. I am my greatest and my worst critic. I am not perfect. I’ve practiced for 10 years and still can not do a lot of the poses. Just like I’ve been living for almost 30 years and have still not “arrived”. But every day that I get on my mat, I get stronger. I learn new lessons and see things in a completely different way. Yoga teaches me perspective. It teaches me that you and I are the same person. How I see myself is how I see you; and how I treat myself is how I treat you. Yoga teaches me forgiveness….ultimately of myself but also of others. Yoga unites my mind and my body into one flowing orgasmic ball of energy. How I use that energy is what matters most. Yoga teaches me that this present moment, is perfect. And it’s all I have. And It’s all I need. I used to live in the future. I used to project what would happen and worry about things I couldn’t control. Over the years, that has diminished. About the only thing I worry about now are my test grades. And I’m even getting better in that department as well.

Yoga saved my life. Yoga has given me my best friends and an amazing supportive community. Yoga unites me to you and I bet you didn’t even know it. Yoga teaches me to accept what is and to let go of what isn’t.

I could go on and on (as if you couldn’t tell) but I’ll stop. I could write a blog every day on the reasons why I practice. And why I love it. And why I know it’s the only way to go about living my life. But this will have to do for now.

I should tell you something before I go though.

When I got sober, I had no idea what my life would be like. If I had made a list of all the things I thought I  wanted, I would have sold myself short (yes, I’m sure if you’re in recovery and reading this you’ve heard that phrase before..but it’s true).

Not only did I get a second start at life with new friends and new beginnings, I also made peace with my past and people in it and am very happy to report that I’m back in good graces with the ones that I “lost”. 

And I know that although things are going great right now, they won’t always be good. Pain and suffering will happen again. BUT, I also know that when they come, they also won’t last forever. And then Joy and Happiness will come again too; it’s the life cycle; the yin and the yang; the good and the bad; the dark and the light.

But regardless of what happens, I know I’m going to be okay. I know that regardless of what institutions, people, or ideas fail me….that yoga will always be my constant. It will be the one thing that I know will take me back no matter what.

Because the light within me recognizes and honors that same light that is also within you,

Namaste

When we get out of alignment with Spirit and we try to make or expect life to be something different than it really is, suffering happens. We all experience pain and suffering, but it is not the quintessential nature of life. Just because the earth turns away from the sun and night occurs doesn't mean that the sun isn't always shining. It might be hard to see sometimes, but goodness and divine beauty can always be found if you adjust your vision just right. ~John Friend

*Top photo is of Sharon Gannon and David Life; two of my very favorite yogis and the founders of Jivamukti yoga.

2 years

I honestly can’t believe that it’s been 2 years.

Some days it seems like it’s been at least a decade.

And then others it doesn’t seem real at all.

This past week has been much more emotional than others. It was like I was living in slow motion through scenes of my past. I haven’t felt so many different emotions all at once in years. So strange.

I don’t really know what to say.

Except, I never thought I’d make it.

Neither did my dad.

I remember him calling me after I had been sober for about 3 months and for the first time in a really long time, I heard relief in his voice. He said, “I’ll be honest with you baby girl….i didn’t think you had a fighting chance left”.

I really didn’t have a chance left. I had long ago used up my 9 lives.

I really don’t understand it at all. Why I “got” it and why other don’t get it.

I’ve buried 4 friends in 2 years.

It’s a pretty certain fact that I’ll attend more funerals than I will weddings.

Someone asked me what I have learned.

What have I learned in 2 years?

I feel like I haven’t really learned that much. Except how to live life one second at a time without any mood altering substances.

(all I have left now is sex and food and well…we won’t talk about those here right at this moment).

I’ve learned to say what I mean and to mean what I say.

I’ve learned that I’m not going to die despite whatever heart-wrenching emotion I’m feeling. They really do pass.

I’ve learned that no matter what happens, I’m going to be okay. 

but probably the biggest thing I've learned is this..

Is my life bigger and better today than it was 2 years ago?

Yes and no.

It’s certainly a lot different.

But please don’t misunderstand.

Despite the big grin and the cackling laugh, it’s not all roses. There are some scars that I don’t’ think will ever quit hurting. No matter the length of time they’ve been there.

(i feel like this was written about me)

They did tell me that it wasn’t going to be easy. And it hasn't been.

But they did tell me it was going to be worth it.

And it is.

This goes out to you. this would not have been possible without you. and yes, I’m talking about you.

I am what I am and who I am, in large part, because of you.

The simple fact is this. No matter what happens to me, no matter how bad things get or how much it hurts, I know for a fact that I am loved.

And at the end of the day, I think that’s all people really want to know.

Thank you friends and especially family.

With deep love and gratitude,

I remain,

As always,

Yours.

Here’s to another 2 years of being free.  

(and although my new hair color was NOT planned, i thought it was just perfect for this anniversary.) If you never remember anything else from me, remember to be spontaneous. Life really is too short not to be.