even in pain, life races on.....

This has been one of the longest weeks yet. 

It’s been one of the more painful weeks as well.

Last Sunday, I lost a very dear friend of mine. He was a very special friend and our connection was, at first, because of our mutual problem. Like myself, he also suffered from the disease of addiction. Our friendship grew and for the last year and a half, there hasn’t been a day that my phone didn’t go off with a text from him.

We laughed together. Had lots of inside jokes. We gossiped about how crazy our friends were. He was the first person to let me know about anything important happening in our community. He cared deeply and was so compassionate towards others.

He was dry witted and quirky (much like myself). He was always joking around. He always made people feel good about themselves.

He was quiet in the aspect that he didn’t let a lot of people in. from the outside, you really wouldn’t know the suffering that went on in his soul.

We spent over 4 months together this past winter and spring raising money for Relay for Life. He was the most dedicated and passionate member of our team. He stayed at relay the entire 12 hours. I will never forget that night.

I had no idea how much pain my friend must have been in.

I just had no idea.

He will be missed by so many.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that he loved me.

I just hope he knew how much I loved him.

The only comfort I have had this week is in the knowing that he is now at peace. He is no longer suffering.

I love you very much, P.J. I can’t wait to see you again someday. Until then, look out for me. You know how much trouble I can get into;)

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to a new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom. Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same." 
— Flavia Weedn

On a much smaller and comparably insignificant note, I finished my first semester of Occupational Therapy School. I honestly can not believe how fast that flew by. 1 down, 8 more to go;)

I am very much looking forward to my week long break. I’m headed to the beach to soak in the sun and play in the sand.

On August 15^th, we will go back to school, for what I understand will be, the hardest semester in our 3 years at UMC. I will be in school most days from 9-4. I have already prepared myself mentally for the fact that I will virtually have no social life. This is okay. It’s only 4 months of my life.

So, I’ll see you all in December!!!......... I mean, next week;)

Fear of Failure

Yesterday was a really bad day. In fact, pretty much the worst day I’ve had since I’ve been sober.

I experienced a lot of emotional pain, the details are unnecessary, but boy oh boy did I want to change the way I felt. Almost every time I feel pain, it feels like the worst thing in the world. Like the sky is closing in and the entire universe is about to crash on my head.

Yes, I’m a tad dramatic if you hadn’t noticed that before;)

On top of that, I failed my Physics test.

Yes. I typed that correctly.

I FAILED.

Made a 50 to be even more precise.

For those of you who know me personally, this is both shocking and unacceptable. Jennifer Nanney does not fail things (except for the decade in which I was majorly failing at life). Not only have I never failed anything, but I’ve made it this far with only one C on my transcript. And that C was in Epistemology, so it really doesn’t count;)

I emailed my professor and told him that this totally blew my dream of becoming a Physics rock-star.

He replied, “ Don’t let one test grade deter you from that dream!”

and then I thought about it.

and then I tried to quit thinking about it.

and now I’ve just accepted the fact that I failed. I actually faced the fear of failure. and it didn't kill me. in fact, it will most surely make me stronger. 

The entire time I’ve been writing this blog, this one quote from a Tom Robbins novel keeps coming to mind,

So you think that you're a failure, do you? Well, you probably are. What's wrong with that? In the first place, if you've any sense at all you must have learned by now that we pay just as dearly for our triumphs as we do for our defeats. Go ahead and fail. But fail with wit, fail with grace, fail with style. A mediocre failure is as insufferable as a mediocre success. Embrace failure! Seek it out. Learn to love it. That may be the only way any of us will ever be free.

But you know, although yesterday was hard, it wasn’t really that bad. The feeling of impending doom and complete and utter failure didn’t last that long.

 I went to dinner with one of my favorite people ever-- Rachel. And I was reminded of something while spending time with her. That people love me no matter what my test grades are. That people love me even when things get ugly. That people don’t expect me to be perfect all the time. And by “people” I mean my friends. I am truly blessed to have some of the most amazing friends in this lifetime. Friends that have my best interest at heart, Friends that feel my pain, Friends that feel my joy, Friends that love me no matter what.

Thank you, Friends! You make my life so much fun and meaningful. and beautiful and delicious!

Today is going to be a better day. I can already feel it in my bones.

(While I was winding down last night, I decided to go on a journey and look at some of my favorite images. I’ll share them with you here. It amazed me how much peace and serenity were brought by looking through these images. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did).

Happy Weekend!