Weight Watchers: Wait, What?

Okay……so, I have a confession to make. And if you read the title of this blog you will know what it is. Ha!

Yep, that’s right. I took the plunge. I decided to try and get into the solution over my current addiction (food) and take some action to try and develop a healthy relationship with it.

Weight Watchers, here I come!

After contemplating the last several years of my life I realized that I either am always:

A)   Starving myself—by eating ultra healthy, running like a Fein, being a perfectionist in the area of diet and exercise, telling myself I’m awesome

to

B) Binging on junk food, being as lazy as possible, shirking my responsibilities, talking negative towards myself

And it has to stop. It really does. I’m sick of it. It has caused me enough pain and I’m ready to take some action against it.

I honestly never considered Weight Watchers because I’ve never really been “over weight”. I have been heavier at times than others but I never have really gotten above a size 8.

But it’s not just the weight thing that’s an issue. It’s my unhealthy relationship with food; always either obsessing too much about it or not enough about it; eating too much or not enough; Thinking about all the time, judging myself based on what I eat or don’t eat.

ENOUGH I tell you!

I ran into a co-worker of mine at a shower for a friend of ours the other weekend. She looked more amazing than usual—with this beautiful glow about her. and when I told her how outstanding she looked she replied, “why thank you girl, it’s all due to Weight Watchers!”. WOW. It got my little mind to thinking.

And then when I posted this post last Thursday, I realized that I was at the point to where I would be willing to try something different. Very similar to how I felt (in a completely different way of course) when I knew I was done with drinking and wanted to try A.A.

So, I called her. And we talked and talked and shared and I realized that this is something that I need. I need others that are like me, to help me with this unhealthy relationship I’ve had or developed towards food. I need accountability and motivation. And I love the fact that by doing this, I will help others do the same! Weight Watchers offers all of that and more by what I’ve seen and learned and I am very excited about taking this step forward in my life!

I have to be honest with you though. At first, when I first admitted to myself that I have a problem with food and would be willing to try Weight Watchers, I felt like a failure. I felt a lot of shame and guilt and was almost embarrassed telling people what I was doing. It’s hard admitting you have a problem. I’ve done it a lot now and although it does get easier, it’s still hard.

But it’s also comforting to know that I am not alone. I can’t tell you how many people have messaged me telling me their struggles. Whether they are with food, sex, relationships, shopping, alcohol, drugs—everyone DOES struggle with something; with being too perfect, or not perfect enough; with parenting and marriage and work; with being too hard on yourself or not hard enough.

Such is Life.

But after I examined why I was embarrassed and ashamed and guilty about confessing to my latest struggle, I realized that it was only because it’s me admitting to you that I’m not perfect.(Again). That I DON’T have it all together; that even though my life has drastically improved over the last 2 years, I still struggle; daily; I still have a very hard time living life on life’s terms.

So there, it’s out of the bag—I’m a food addict and I’m going to do something about it! I go to my first meeting Tuesday at 12. I'll be sure and keep you posted;) 

After I tackle this I’m sure there will be something else, but for right now, I’m okay with the imperfections, I’m okay with this struggle, I’m okay with the path I’m on.

I’m growing, learning, struggling—it’s my journey! And when everything is said and done, I freakin’ love my journey. I love the path I’m on.

And that’s enough right now for me.

“Life has meaning only in the struggle. Triumph or defeat is in the hands of the Gods. So let us celebrate the struggle!” ~Swami Sivananda

struggle

I have to be honest with you guys—I have been struggling BIG TIME with something small, that has turned into something LARGE, since I’ve been sober—and that something is FOOD. Sugar in particular.

I know I posted this long post around the first of January about revamping my life and cutting out sugar—I even did the Master Cleanse for 14 days! And that was a good start. I dropped a few Christmas pounds, and felt a lot better. But the battle of the bulge (that extra 10 pounds that WILL not go away) is on and it seemingly has gotten so much worse just this year.

Don’t get me wrong, I know by no means that I am fat. I’m not. I’m a comfortable size 8 at the moment. But I have always been between sizes 4-6 all of my 20’s. and now, at the ripe age of 29, I just can’t seem to get back down to my ideal weight and size.

And I have to be honest—it’s killing me! It’s something that is pervading most all of my thoughts. It’s something I am constantly obsessing about.

I have ALWAYS been a relatively thin but healthy girl. Probably because I have always been active. ALWAYS. I ran my first marathon at age 18 and even in the past few months, I've run 5-6 miles daily AND I get in about 3-4 hour long yoga sessions a week. And most of the time I do eat really healthy and good. But I binge. I’ll eat healthy for 4-5 days and then eat junk food for the next 3. and then I wonder why my pants don’t fit. Hmmmm…….

It’s not just that my pants don’t fit, (although they don’t)  I’m having a hard time being kind to myself while my pants aren’t fitting. I’m basically basing my whole self worth on if my pants fit or not. And that is absurd. It’s insane. I’m telling myself horribly ugly things because of these extra 10 pounds.

I hate that I’m such an addict. I have this all or nothing mentality that is absolutely driving me crazy right now. Either I’m 100% healthy or I’m 100% unhealthy. No in-between. And since I cut out alcohol and tobacco, I’ve turned to food without even realizing it.

Now, don’t get me wrong---I LOVE food. I love to eat. I have always been a good eater. I remember people constantly remarking, “my, that girl can eat”. And it’s true—I can. And I love to eat. But lately it’s not just that I love to eat that’s getting me in trouble, it’s that I’m eating when I’m not hungry. I’m eating my emotions. I’m eating my feelings. and I’m completely addicted to sugar. It also doesn’t help that I know that my metabolism has slowed down due to my age.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like no matter how healthy I eat or how many miles I run that my pants are never going to fit again.

And that’s a lie, because eventually, they always do.

I know the answer to this is to stay consistent.

I’m talking to my friend about doing a food log and calling her at the end of everyday with what I’ve eaten—good ole accountability never hurt this gal;)

I need to practice affirmations and meditate more. My self worth is NOT based on how much I weigh. It’s based on who I am on the inside. And if I get my inside okay, my outside will be okay. I’m convinced of this.

I just thought I should be honest and let you know about this struggle. It’s frustrating. It’s difficult. It’s Life. And it’s not nearly the worst thing to be struggling with. Thank goodness this is my only problem today, right?!

I’m going to try and love myself exactly as I am. Because today may be all I have.

But boy oh boy—I can’t wait until those damn pants fit again.

One thing that may get me back on track with fitness and health is the weekend worship with Desiree Rumbaugh!! I am SO excited about getting to work with her this weekend. She is an international outstanding yoga instructor and we are HONORED that she is going to be in Jackson, MS this weekend!

So, if you don't have anything going on, hop over and join us! I'm hoping to have a lot of "ah ha" moments and get my head straight so I can get to work on resolving these body/mind issues that are going on.

If anyone has any encouragement or can relate, I'd love to hear about it!

Happy Weekend, Friends!

I hope that whatever you are struggling with, that you will know you are not alone.  Being human is hard. 

But even in great difficulty lies beauty. I'm just straining to see it;)

I hope that I always remember, no matter what I weigh.......that I AM good enough. and so are you!