1.13.2012

this is what happened when i decided to play God....

I had a meltdown.



3 days into school and I fell apart.

I was crying myself to sleep only to wake up to tears.

I forgot what this feels like.

I was really close (in my head) to going to the hospital and asking them to admit me for an indefinite amount of time. If they asked me “what for?” I was going to tell them that I just can’t do this anymore.

What is “this”? you may be asking (probably you aren’t but just in case)

“This” is “Life”.

I just didn't want to do it anymore.

Luckily, I have a dear friend who called me over and fed me tomato soup (I was in my pj’s at 5pm) and put everything into perspective for me. She ran through the last few weeks of my life and mentioned all the newness and change it’s brought….all the responsibility it’s brought…all the stress it’s brought….and suddenly I didn’t feel so crazy.

I am genuinely over-whelmed. When I got back to Jackson after a 4 week break, I hit the ground running. And I took care of everyone but myself.

See, not only am I an alcoholic and addict, I’m also a codependent.

 I feel responsible for other people’s happiness.

I’ve gotten a gazillion times better in the past few years but there are still a few folks who can tug on my heart-strings and then BAM—it’s back. My need to take care of others, to put others happiness before my own, to feel responsible for someone else’s well-being, feeling guilty and remorse for not doing more…..yeah……codependency is its own evil in and of itself.

The truth is that nothing is really wrong. School is a little over-whelming but I’ll get through it just like I’ve done the past several semesters. One test at a time. One class at a time….it will all be a-ok.

I’m not responsible for others happiness nor do they want me to be. My job is to listen and be there for them. I don’t have the power to “fix” anything. When I take that on I’m basically saying I’m God and I have the power to fix you. And we all know that I’m not God and I don’t have that power (although I have tried exhaustively for years…..trust me when I say I am a pro at this).

You know…..the truth is that I can’t do it all.

But I can do some.

When I got home from my friend’s house that night I felt the weight of the world drop off my shoulders. And I felt a little more like myself.

There are 2 things that I’ve failed to look at these past few weeks and their absence  made my meltdown so much worse….those things are…

Acceptance and Gratitude.

I didn’t accept certain things in my life. I’m some-what (okay, maybe more than some-what) of a control freak.

And instead of looking at what I do have and the fact that helping others today is a BLESSING……I chose to let my ego get the best of me and decided that I could take on the weight of the world…..

We all know how that turned out;)

I hope in the future I remember this. I probably won’t. but, maybe I’ll remember a little so that next time I won’t go so long without asking for help.

I am grateful for the fact that I can deal with issues like this today without drugs or alcohol.

I’m grateful that it doesn’t take me months or years to start correcting a problem.

I’m grateful that today, I have a choice. To breathe. Or to hold my breath.

I think I’ll start choosing to breathe more often;)



1.08.2012

adieu sweet freedom



Our month long break is officially over.

 School starts back tomorrow and although this break has been absolutely amazing—I am ready to get back in routine, ready to learn more, and very excited about seeing my classmates!

This was the first time in years (probably about 6) that I've had a break this long.

 I’ve always been either working/schooling or both. And for once, I literally had 4 whole weeks free. Bizarre.

I hung around Jack town for a week after classes were over and did a lot of hanging out with this lady…



Spent the next week and a half in the Queen City mainly because of this guy…



And I also enjoyed spending a lot of time with this guy…



(and these guys)






Attended several Christmas parties…



Spent 3 days doing absolutely nothing…


Spent 5 days at a Monastery in Batesville, MS to welcome 2012…



Ran the Mississippi Blues Half-Marathon with my brother…




And finally, I got to spend my last week of freedom back in Jackson visiting with lots of dear friends that I don’t get to see often enough during the school year.

I had the pleasure of dining at Parlor Market 3 times during my break. Each time was supremely superb…

(the above desert tray was made by our very own, Lydia Grey Gamble. Do go visit her at Parlor Market. She makes the best sweets in town.)

I’ll sure miss these long breaks when I’m no longer a student.

That may be why I maxed out my 4 weeks…

But I’m ready to hit the books again……

I’m gearing up for my 30th birthday in a few weeks… that feels a little strange.

I hope all of you had a wonderful holiday season and are keeping those resolutions you made 8 days ago…

I’m still working on my second post about all that I learned at Magnolia Grove. 

And so now I’ll bid adieu to the break from responsibility…

Good-bye Freedom! See you in May!

What did you do over the holidays?

How did you spend your break?






1.05.2012

here's looking at you, kid



hello dear friends,

If this week is any indication of how this year is going to be….hold on tight and buckle your seat belts—it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

Ever since I got back to Jackson on Monday, my phone has been ringing off the hook. A lot of friends who want to catch up, a lot of business related calls, and several calls from friends of mine who are really having a hard time. 

The saying is proving true—when it rains, it pours.

My heart goes out to all my friends—near and far—who are suffering.

 Who are hurting. Who feel betrayed. angry. confused. frustrated. lost.

You know, when life is good—I always seem to forget the bad. And when it’s bad, I always forget the good. Strange how that works.

I love what my friend always tells me:

The good part is that you won’t feel this way forever.

The bad part is that you won’t feel this way forever.

Hmmmm…….

The only thing we really can rely on is change. Yet it’s usually something we resist with all our might.

What is it that you’re holding on to that is preventing you from living your life?

What’s the one thing you tell yourself, “When this occurs, my life will be perfect.”?

The quote below describes the way I thought for most of my life:

So stop waiting until you finish school,
until you go back to school,
until you lose ten pounds,
until you gain ten pounds,
until you have kids,
until your kids leave the house,
until you start work,
until you retire,
until you get married,
until you get divorced,
until Friday night,
until Sunday morning,
until you get a new car or home,
until your car or home is paid off,
until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter,
until you are off welfare,
until the first or fifteenth,
until your song comes on,
until you've had a drink,
until you've sobered up,
until you die,
until you are born again
to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy...
Author Unknown

Now it’s time to take action—be an active participant in your life. Today IS your life—not tomorrow and not yesterday. Love the ones your with. Forgive the ones that hurt you. Instead of a smirk, give a smile.

For those of you who are hurting—scared—lonely—depressed,

You won’t feel this way forever. Hold on tight until the miracle happens. Because it will happen. It’s just a matter of time and perspective.

For those of you who are having the time of your life—who are happy, joyful, and free,

You won’t feel this way forever either. But enjoy it while it’s good. Don’t take one joyful minute for granted. Because pain is destined to come again.

I feel so fortunate to be on this path with you.

A few years ago, I came to the realization that I am the only person who will always be with me. It doesn’t matter who I date, marry, how many children I have, my family, my friends—all of them are subject to change (leave) at any time. It’s just part of life.

And I remember when I accepted it as a part of life, I looked into the mirror and said, 

Here’s looking at you, kid”.

Wishing sweet peace to each and everyone of you,
Jen

1.02.2012

Magnolia Grove Monastery



When I signed up with four other friends to go on a Holiday Retreat at a Buddhist Monastery for New Years, I really didn’t have any idea what to expect nor did I have time to think about it because my time in Meridian was so busy. But when I arrived at the Monastery out in the boondocks in Batesville, MS, I immediately felt like I was home.

Magnolia Grove Monastery is a practice center of the well known Zen Buddhist, Thich Nhat Hanh. We are so honored to have this beautiful place so close by and I will be visiting there very regularly this next semester.

This holiday retreat brought about 100 people from far and wide (people from GA, FL, OH) to gather together for 5 days.

 We all stayed in little houses (a separate one for girls and boys) that widely resembled summer camp cabins. In my room (Pink Lotus Cabin) there were 8 beds—bunkstyle. I had a top bunk and when I was snuggled in my sleeping bag at night, I could have sworn I was 10 again reliving camp at Pine Lake.


The Monastery came about because the Vietnamese population around Batesville  had no place to come together and be. Several families got together and bought a bunch of land right outside Batesville. Then they donated it to Thich Nhat Hanh. The brothers and sisters (monks and nuns) joined the Monastery in MS about two years ago.

While we were there we got to live and experience life as a monastic. Our schedule was pretty full but I never felt over-whelmed. We woke at 5am for a morning seated meditation at 5:30. Breakfast was at 7:30. Walking Meditation followed along with helping the brothers and sisters do chores around the monastery. It very much reminded me of my time at L’Abri when I was 19. I am no stranger to communal living and fell right in step. I love it.

 We ate all our meals together in silence so as to practice complete Mindfulness and be 100% in the moment. The afternoons held guided relaxation, dharma talks, personal time, dinner, another seated meditation and then noble silence began at 9pm and was observed until after breakfast the next day.

 My cabin didn’t do so hot with completely observing the noble silence but that’s the beauty of the place—you don’t have to do any of it. You aren’t looked down upon or frowned upon if you didn’t follow the guidelines to a T. The brothers and sisters were the most gracious and beautiful people I’ve ever met.

All the meals were vegan –mostly vegan Vietnamese style food and it was delicious.
Before I go any further let me give you a little insight into what this monastery and thict naht Hahn is all about.



Thich Nhat Hanh is a Vietnamese Buddhist monk whose lifelong efforts to generate peace and reconciliation moved Martin Luther King, Jr. to nominate him for the Noble Peace Prize in 1967. He lives in the southwest France and travels regularly, leading retreats on the art of mindful living. He is the author of many best-selling books. To read more about this amazing man, click here.


The purpose and teachings of the retreats is to cultivate an awareness of mindfulness. "What exactly is mindfulness?" you may be asking. The following excerpt comes from Hahn’s book “Happiness”.

Mindfulness is the energy of being aware and awake to the present. It is the continuous practice of touching life deeply in every moment. Practicing mindfulness does not require that we go anywhere different. We can practice mindfulness in our room or on our way from one place to another. We can do very much the same things we always do—walking, sitting, working, eating, talking—except we do them with an awareness of what we are doing.

We often become so busy that we forget what we’re doing or who we are. I know many people who say they even forget to breathe. We forget to look at the people we love and to appreciate them until they’re gone. Even when we have some leisure time, we don’t know how to get in touch with what is going on inside us. So we turn on the television or pick up the telephone as if we might be able to escape from ourselves.

If we want to fully enjoy life’s gifts, we must practice mindfulness at every turn, whether we’re brushing our teeth, cooking our breakfast, or driving to work. Every step and every breath can be an opportunity for joy and happiness.

Almost instantly I became aware of just how unmindful I am. How I’m never really fully present for almost anything I do. When I talk on the phone, I’m usually on the computer and the television is on as well. When I’m driving I’m so busy thinking of other things that I often forget how I got from one place to the next. When I’m talking to you it is very likely I’ll be playing around on my phone. In class, I’m always on my phone---I rarely ever pay full attention. When I eat, I do so in a hurried manner and usually while on the computer.

I became very aware within the first few days that there is rarely a day that goes by that I’m fully living in the present—I’m usually in the future—not so much in the past but either way, it’s not how I want to go about living my life. We aren’t guaranteed tomorrow. We aren’t guaranteed the next few hours of our life. So why are we always there? Why aren’t we paying attention to where our hands are? or what's in front of us?

When we ate our meals at the monastery, we ate them in silence and very slowly. Savoring each bite. Thinking about what we were eating. Focusing on nothing else but the food that was before us.  When we went on our walks, we took each step slowly…aware of how each foot felt beneath the earth. I looked up at the sky. Saw the breeze flow through the trees. I was fully there. And it was like I was seeing it for the first time.

On New Years Eve, the monks and nuns dressed in their traditional festive garb and we had the most amazing ceremony ever. There were chants, songs, instruments, a B-in (which is the equivalent to a talent show—it’s called a “B” because that’s what we were doing—Being. I loved it.
(the ladies in my cabin--loved them all!)

 At around 12:45am, there was a huge bonfire outside and we took our written out New Year’s Resolutions and Aspirations to the fire and one by one we threw them in as we offered them up to the universe. It was pretty powerful stuff, folks.



On Sunday morning, there was a ceremony of the transmissions of the 5 Mindfulness Training Vows. Out of 100,only about 8 took the vows. And of course, I was one of them.

So, instead of making resolutions this year, I took vows.
The vows I took were these:

1)     First Mindfulness Training: Reverence for Life
2)    Second Mindfulness Training: True Happiness
3)     Third Mindfulness Training: True Love
4)    Fourth Mindfulness Training: Loving Speech and Deep Listening
5)     Fifth Mindfulness Training: Nourishment and Healing

To read more about each one in depth (and I highly encourage you to do so) click here.

The ceremony was sweet yet intense and I literally felt like I was getting married. I was nervous as I said, “I do” to each one of the above mentioned vows.

Does this mean I’m a Buddhist now?

Sort of. We all are if you really think about it (and understand Buddhism).

I’m sure by now I’ve lost any conservative Christian reading this blog (not that I probably had many to begin with) but if you are still reading and you’re concerned for my salvation, fret not.

Buddhism is not a religion. There is no deity in Buddhism. Meaning, Buddhists don’t worship Buddha. Or any other god.  Please remember this phrase (one of my faves) “What you don’t understand, you can make mean anything”.

I think most people (most people being Christians) who are unfamiliar with eastern principles or religions automatically classify them in their mind as the work of the devil. Or something like that. I don’t know because I don’t think like that. But either way, Buddhism is a beautiful way to live out and deepen your root faith—whether that be Christianity, Catholicism, Orthodox, Muslim, Jewish, etc, etc.

 The art of mindfulness and living in the present moment is something we should all want to learn and practice more of—regardless of what our faith is.

I also received a Dharma Name:

Gentle Kindness of the Heart.

I certainly have my work cut out for me this year as I face the convictions I felt during the retreat and make some changes to my life for the better. I will write another post on how I’m going to live out the 5 mindfulness vows in my daily life soon. This post has been long enough.

I sincerely hope you will check out Magnolia Grove and maybe one day, go visit. The brothers and sisters are so welcoming and warm. 

You can go visit by yourself or take your family! There was a precious little family at our retreat with two little ones that very much reminded me of my dear friends Laura and Taylor Dearman. (Laura, I think you guys would totally dig it).

To check out Magnolia Grove click here.

If you are interested in becoming a part of our local Sangha group, click here.

I hope whatever you did to ring in the New Year was joyful and meaningful.

Blessings to you all in this New Year!

For any and all questions, do not hesitate to ask!


picture sources:
2--my own
4--my own
5--my own


it's the little things....


....that matter the most. 

I a very very happy to announce that…….




I am no longer on the Afrin!

After succumbing to the highly-addictive nasal spray for the past 2 years, I weaned myself off over the first 2 weeks of our break. I did it just like this guy. 

I know this sounds ridiculously silly, but it is a huge relief. I hated being so dependent on it……I used a bottle a week.

I learned from researching (and my dad) that this is a very common problem and a lot of people become addicted very easily. It is very important for me to tell you that there was no “high” or anything like that….i just couldn’t breathe without it. It was like someone had put concrete up both my nostrils…..terrible.

Anyway.

I can’t believe I just wrote a post about Afrin….but I did.

Happy second day of 2012! 

1.01.2012

letter to 2012



(Preface: I’ve been keeping a little journal of lessons learned during this past year. I decided the best way for me to issue this would be to myself. If I don’t heed my own advice, then what good is it?)

Dear Jennifer,

As you embrace this new year, don’t forget the lessons from the last one.

And don’t forget, the best future predictor of anything, is the past.



I’ve learned that if you disagree with someone and a war ensues, don’t participate. The other person is NOT going to understand. They may never understand. This little lesson has taken me all of my adult life to learn. And there is such a sweet peace and freedom in not pressing the send button to a futile email (or a text message).

If you disagree with someone’s political stand point, just remember that they will never agree with you. and you will never agree with them. So, don’t waste your time talking to the wrong crowd.

If you disagree with someone’s theological stand point, don’t waste your time there either.

Even if your intentions are good and you think they are pure, if you’re conveying them to the wrong audience, they will always get the wrong message. Consider your audience first! 

Remember the pendulum swing. Sometimes it swings far to the left. And other times it swings far to the right. Finding a balance between them will be your life long goal. Remember that this also applies to everyone you know.

When in doubt, don’t do it. It’s usually a bad idea.

Learn to speak the language of the people. If you are trying to relate, understand, or express anything to anybody…you must first learn the language of the people. Otherwise it will be like you visiting China and only speaking German. You are not only going to have communication issues, you are going to get into conflicts you had no idea existed.

Intelligence carries you much farther than emotionalism. Don’t forget this.

Learn the difference between being a “professional” and being a “friend”. If a friend asks you for advice, that doesn’t necessarily you need to give them your “professional advice”. It usually means you need to listen and nod.

No matter what your agenda, build a relationship first! I can not express how important it is to make people feel safe and secure around you! You will get no where if you don’t build one first.

And if possible, don’t have an agenda.

The more you come into your own and know what you believe, the less you feel the need to defend it. You don’t have to explain yourself. Whether people understand it or not. It's none of your business what others think of you.

What people don't understand they can make mean anything.

Let things go.

Let people be.

Live each day with intention full of goodness and hope.

Have more house plants.

Befriend your neighbors.

Support an organization of your choice one weekend a month. And if not one weekend a month, at least one weekend every few months.

Let your message be the way you live your life.

The real problem is almost always you. Until you realize this, you will always get offended easily, always point the finger at the other person, always think you have a ledge to stand on, and this will always cause you pain and frustration. Don’t forget this one!

If you are don’t like someone, it’s almost always because they are a mirror for you.

 All of your problems are of your own making.

Every single choice you make has a consequence. This could be good or bad depending on your choice.

If you don’t know what you want, you end up with a lot that you don’t.

You do not have to attend every argument you’re invited to.

Learn to laugh at yourself. You’re not near as important as you think you are.


Listen to your gut. It will almost always be the better decision if you do. 


Just because you are changing and making changes in your life does not mean others will. Don't expect people to understand or embrace your changes. Almost no one likes change. Be kind when others don't understand.


Kill people with kindness. Always. 


Don't sell yourself short. You are capable of far more than you realize. 



But remember, the most important lesson—not only for this past year, but for all years of all time……

You must surrender to win

If you don’t understand this now, it’s okay. It’s kind of like reading Moby Dick. The first time you read it, you don’t really get it. And then you read it 20 years later and it becomes the greatest story of all time.

Actually, there are two most important lessons. Along with surrender to live….

To love without abandon.

Happy 2012!

May this new year (and decade) you’re approaching be lived with as much intensity and passion as the last, yet without the recklessness of the last.


*a special post about how i celebrated new years is in the works! i know a few of you are anxiously awaiting to hear details......coming soon!