seaside

The kids and I joined our parents for a few days in Seaside, FL--sans our sister who came down with strep throat. We sure did miss her. The last time our family came to seaside was 6 years ago and let me tell you--it was one heck of a trip. The whole thing was disastrous and I'm shocked our parents even attempted to do it again. ha! But this time was much smoother. Of course the most fun thing about this trip was the little guy--who is just so much fun to watch as he discovers the world for the first time as a 2 year old. I sure do love my family.

Outlet mall experience:

If you can’t already tell, my window for shopping is very small. It’s such a sensory overload for me that I usually wind up doing exactly this—sitting on a bench. And Clint has always been my faithful bench companion.

Family adventures at dusk:

We stayed in this lovely home called the Marisol

Our dad faithfully manned the stroller while we shopped…

 We ate gelato every night...and i do mean every

Saturday we enjoyed the early morning Farmer’s Market:

Irwin loved going to get coffee with my dad in the mornings at this little place—he says “papa wa wa” for dad’s coffee. Ha! He also loved getting almond croissants or “cookies”, as he calls them.

And then the sun finally came out…and we enjoyed being poolside and beachside

Our last night out on the town—we enjoyed a delicious dinner at the V:

And now it’s back to the real world for all of us. I start my last week of classes tomorrow (monday). I cannot believe this semester is almost over. I’ll officially be finished August 2^nd. And then my Fall semester will begin August 13^th. I’m looking forward to spending the majority of my week-long break in Meridian.  

This summer sure has been sweet.

From me to you, with love,

Jen

interim

We have now almost reached part 3 of my series, “why your feelings don’t matter”.

for part 1 click here and for part 2 click here.

But before we dive in, I think this little interim is necessary.

I think it’s really important to tell you that I am not, in any shape or form, 100% in control of my feelings or my thoughts most of the time. 

This is not something I’ve mastered and I, by no means, hope that this comes across as “well, I’ve gotten all high and spiritual and mastered my feelings….sorry for you mere mortals out there still gushing over every little tid-bit of feeling left in your soul”  (or something like that).

The thing is….is that I’ve only just begun on this journey—of living a life that’s based in rational thought and action. I spent most of my life living in a fantasy world-turned night-mare. I’m really only qualified to tell you what not to do…not what to do.

I still get upset. I still speak unnecessary words. I still allow a feeling to carry over too long. I’m really human-- seriously human. And I make no qualms about my “human-ness”.

But, the difference is that now—well, now I love living in reality. I love being rational. I love being able to weigh out pros and cons and make a decision based on the facts and not on the feelings. And if you know me, then you know that I have a blast living in reality. I genuinely have more fun now than I’ve ever had before. So if you think reality and rationalism are for the birds—maybe you should try it first.

Or it’s possible that you are a “feeling addict”—in which case you love experiencing the highs and lows and ins and outs of your feelings—if so, you should go see your local psychologist and try some meds out! The apocalypse is near;)

Either way, I just wanted to clarify my intentions for writing this—This is not me trying to preach something I think people need to hear—This is what I’m most passionate about—studying human behavior and understanding why we do what we do.

Your “thing” may be guns; or gardening; or playing music—my “thing” is studying people.

The truth is that we fear what we don’t understand.

Take math for example. How many people do you know that say, “Oh, I’m not good with numbers—I was terrible in math….have no idea how I passed it in college”.

I bet you’ve heard a LOT of people say that.

And the thing is, is that math isn’t hard. It’s just a bunch of numbers and equations and if you understand how to plug the numbers in the equation—it’s really pretty simple.

So, don’t say you’re “bad at math”—that would imply you’re an idiot. It’s just that you don’t understand math—so you’ve pre-determined that you don’t like it.

But if you understood it, you wouldn’t feel that way.

I think relationships are a lot like that. Not just romantic relationships—all relationships—with everyone. We don’t really understand how to “do” relationships—and as a result we pre-determine that we aren’t good at doing them.

The truth is—behavior doesn’t lie.

Words lie.

Thoughts lie.

Feelings lie.

But behavior—it really can’t lie. 

Because it’s a culmination of your words, thoughts, and feelings—and even if they are in discord with one another—your behavior usually tells us everything and more than we need to know about the later 3.

Which now leads me to part 3—why your feelings don’t matter. This is where your words meet your actions (or rather, where they don’t).

To be continued…

why your feelings don't matter (part 2)

So, how do you control your thoughts?

I left off in part 1 saying that you can control your feelings—but first you have to learn to control your thoughts…

This is where it gets really good….

Most people tell me they can’t control their feelings.

When you say, “I can’t control my feelings,” you usually mean that right now, at this very moment, you have upset yourself so greatly that your autonomic nervous system has temporarily gone out of kilter and that you cannot immediately control it.

True.

Your heartbeat, gut reactions, and sweating may be blocking your sensible functioning. But even then, if you look at the irrational beliefs with which you are upsetting yourself and if you interrupt these beliefs, you would discover that you can bring your feelings under control again—and sometimes in a surprisingly short length of time.

The first thing you must do to learn to control your feelings is to observe your own thinking.

When I start to feel annoyed, I have a tendency to disengage completely with whomever I’m talking to. I then start an internal dialogue in my head of everything I want to say to this person but know that I shouldn’t because it would cause more harm than good. 

Instead of reacting and saying, “my GOD that person annoys the sh&% out of me” (which is something you’ve probably heard me say)…I can choose to stop, and observe my thinking….”Hmm…this person is annoying me…no, they aren’t…I’m allowing them to annoy me…why are they annoying me? Because I feel like what they are saying is a waste of my time. Is it really a waste of time? Is giving rapt attention to another human being ever a waste of time? Do I think I’m too important or have better things to do than be available to this person?

The answer is usually no.

And then I notice, almost immediately, my feelings of “annoyance” disappear. And I take note of the small amount of compassion creeping in.

Other techniques that can be used to observe and control your feelings are these: (by the way, these come directly from Albert Ellis’ book “RationalEmotive Behavioral Therapy”—which is actually the basis and reason for me writing this series in the first place)

1)     When faced with actual physical injury, deprivation, pain, or disease, you can attempt to eliminate or to improve your painful condition. If you cannot, accept it philosophically and try, as best you can, to ignore or distract yourself from it. Instead of telling yourself: “What a frightful thing is happening to me!” you can say to yourself, “Too bad that I find myself in this unfortunate situation. So it is too bad! But not awful!”

2)    When faced with severe criticism, you can first question the motives of your critics and how correct they are. IF you think their comments are warranted, you can try to change your behavior or to accept your own failings and others’ disapproval about them.

3)     When you feel overwhelmed with anxiety, anger, depression, or guilt, you can realize that your own irrational beliefs and not outside people and events largely create your feelings. Even in the midst of these feelings, you can still look at your own ideas and images, figure out the irrational shoulds, oughts, and musts that you have woven into them and vigorously dispute and challenge these beliefs.

4)    You are in your own saddle. You cannot expect complete happiness at all times. Freedom from all physical pain and frustration won’t be your lot. But you can reduce your mental and emotional woe—if you think you can and if you work at changing your belief system.

The main problem that I see is that people aren’t willing to put in the work it takes to become a healthier person.

I can’t tell you how many times I hear and/or encounter people that desperately want to change. They know they are in over their head with alcohol and drugs—they know they are in a codependent relationship, they know there’s a better way to live life. They know they want to work out their marriage. They know they should quit enabling their children…..ad infinitum.

And when the pain gets great enough, they really believe they want to change. In that moment, I know they do. But what happens is that strong conviction of wanting to change dies, usually within a 24 hour period—sometimes they make it a week—and they forget the pain and they convince themselves that it really isn’t that bad.

NEWS FLASH WALTER CRONKITE: YES IT IS.

It is that bad.

But the amount of work it actually takes to change their thought process—thus changing their feelings—is just too much for them. And they settle.

This is a pattern I see on an everyday basis:

Person wants to change. Person recognizes that what they are doing isn’t working for them. Person is aware that there is another way to live. Person starts fresh from the pain and does a little inside work. Person gets really uncomfortable with what they find. Person begins to get frustrated that they aren’t changing fast enough. Person convinces themselves that what they were trying to change in the first place really isn’t that harmful or that bad. Person reaches the wall. Person bounces off the wall and lands at the bottom of the hill.

(I’m serious.)

Very, very few people make it over the wall.

BUT…

What they fail to realize is that on the other side of the wall IS that life they envision themselves having. It DOES get better on the other side of the wall.

But first you have to make it over the wall.  

The easy way out is often just that—the “easy” way out of the most rewarding lifestyle.

Face the fact that, because you are a fallible human, you often will have great difficulty getting over the wall and that normal principles of inertia will tend to hold you back and make starting a chore. Expect these problems to occur and accept that you will often have to use extra push and extra energy to retrain your thinking…

To be continued…

why your feelings don't matter (part 1)

(this is one part out of a 3 part series I’ve been working on…and while I’m certain that this information isn’t laid out as meticulously as I would like for it to be, it’s good enough)

I want to talk about “feelings”.

Now, before you click off this page as fast as you can let me also say…

I literally despise talking about “feelings”

(unless they are my own of course or at least when I feel justified in feeling them).

Let me back track a bit before I launch into this soap box of mine.

During my 20’s I was one hot emotional mess. I remember that my feelings dictated everything—I based all my decisions on whatever feelings I was having at that moment.

The funny this is that feelings change every minute. The way you feel right now is most likely not the way you’ll feel in a few hours—let alone a few days.

When I decided to change the course of my life (almost 3 years ago) the first thing I learned was that my feelings didn’t matter. And yes, it was a harsh reality. It’s based on this concept:

 “You largely feel the way you think”.

 So essentially what they were saying to me (“they” being an elusive term that consists of therapists, friends, etc) was that I had to change the way I thought because my perspective about life had gotten so skewed.

For example….

I was always paranoid that people didn’t like me…that I had done some irreparable damage that could never be set right again (so dramatic)

I really did care what you thought about me…and I based my self-worth largely on what I thought you thought about me

I thought that everyone thought badly of me (again, assuming everyone was thinking about me—all the time)

I was always trying to earn people’s love—going out of my way to be what I thought was “thoughtful”—always hosting parties, buying gifts, going over and above—not because I’m an altruistic person but because I wanted you to think that I was a self-less altruistic person

It was ridiculously hard for me to say the word “no”

I wouldn’t let go of things, situations, people, etc…even when they begged me to

I was the master at self-sabotaging myself and my life

So what happened?

(because if any of you know me in real life, at this juncture of my life, you will take note that I am almost the exact opposite of everything I just described)

What happened was that I started acting my way into right thinking…I didn’t feel my way into good behavior—it’s quite the opposite in fact.

And I didn’t even really realize the transformation until I started working with women, much like myself, that suffer with severely distorted perceptions about themselves and the way they view life…

One of the biggest reasons I know my thinking has changed (and thus my feelings) is because people don’t hurt my feelings anymore.

The hall-mark sign of a self-centered-life-based-on-emotion is:

people hurting your feelings

Yep. And you know we’ve all done it and continue to do it…”what you told me yesterday really hurt my feelings”…”I didn’t like the way that felt when you told me _______”, “I felt so left out—it really hurts my feelings when you act like that”…

When people use phrases like that to me, the first thing I want to say to them is…

“Get over yourself”...

Yes, that’s a little harsh but it is also the reason you’re “feeling” so hurt….

The truth is that…

“People and things do not upset us, rather, we upset ourselves by believing they can upset us”—Albert Ellis

And of course there’s the famous Eleanor Roosevelt quote…

Which is exactly true. We give consent to every “feeling” we feel. Most of us do this unconsciously—but we can learn to do it consciously.

Why am I even talking about this?

Because most people believe they don’t have a choice in the way they feel. Most people believe that their “feelings” are valid enough to base decisions off of them.

This is false, unhealthy thinking and it leads to a life that is always contingent on those unhealthy feelings.

“We all feel, but many of us have unhealthy feelings much of the time, while others have largely healthy ones. No matter how honestly and strongly you feel your feelings, they aren’t holy; and some therapists have misled us in this respect. They hold that all authentic and intense feelings are “good.” Well, not exactly! That depends on your goals.”

You don’t have to live like that.

You do have a choice.

You can control your feelings…but first you have to learn to control your thoughts….

To be continued…

"Feelings are much like waves, we can't stop them from coming but we can choose which one to surf."

- Jonatan Mårtensson

just another typical monday

Seeing as I woke up tired, I knew I was in for a real treat this Monday…

2 examples of everyday occurrences in my life:

First Story:

  When I got to class I do what I always do—dig in my back pack for at least 3 minutes making sure I have all the necessary ingredients for whatever class I’m in. What are those necessary ingredients?

·         The correct folder for that particular class

·         Making sure the correct hand-outs and/or home-work is in that folder (it is not uncommon for me to place pieces of paper in every single folder I have making it ridiculously impossible for me to actually keep all the pieces of paper I need for that one class in one place at one time)

·         At least 3 pens (and it is imperative that at least 2 of them are z4 rollar black bics—they are the only pens I will use when studying for a test and if they run out of ink, I halt my studying until I purchase new ones)

·         At least 4 different colored high-lighters

·         A full pack of gum (I chew 2 pieces of gum at a time—never 1. And when the flavor runs out, I spit them into a wad of paper and open two new pieces of gum. Some class periods I go through 10 pieces of gum)

Keep in mind that the above routine happens after I’ve taken my ADHD medication.

Here is a sample of what my notes look like:

Anyway..back to the story…

Before class it is common for some of our officers to make announcements concerning school related (and un-school related) activities—and about once a week a card is passed around (usually for birthdays) until it has all 37 of our signatures. This has become so common that  sometimes all the time  I don’t even pay attention to whose birthday it is or why we’re signing the card—I just sign it.

This particular class period, our classmate, Tyler, made the announcement that his wife, Kenley, had passed her OT boards! (yes, we have a husband and wife duo team in our department and they are just about the most perfect little OT couple that ever existed). We all cheered with delight for Kenley (who was in the class above ours) and when the cheering calmed down and class began, I noticed a card being passed around (as usual). When it got to me I signed my usual signature (JNanney) and then in all caps (because I do love Kenley) I wrote YOU GO GIRL!

It was only then that my neighbor (Sally) looked at me with big eyes and whispered, “That’s for our teacher, Mrs. Robin, who has Crohn's disese!!!!!”

I can only imagine what Robin would have thought when she opened her sympathy card to see in all caps, “YOU GO GIRL”.

(luckily I scratched it out and to the side wrote, “I hope you feel better soon”…but there was a huge part of the card that was scribbled out).

Second story:

I ended up staying at school today until 5pm working on my presentation that will be given in the morning (on Diabetic Neuropathy and Foot Care—just in case you were wondering). This will be my first power point presentation ever. Well, not ever..but this is the first power point I have ever made (by myself). When I left school at 5pm, I decided to walk to my car at the Stadium. It’s about a mile jaunt (just to put it in perspective)….so….i was walking along the side walk and I heard someone yell, “Hey Nanney, who are you talking to?” I glanced up and saw Teddy (Sally’s boyfriend…also a Med school student) smiling in his truck as he drove past me. It was in that moment that I realized that I had been, indeed, talking to myself OUTLOUD, for probably the past 10 minutes.

I quickly blurted out, “oh hey! I’m just going over my to-do list in my head—except I think it’s coming out of my mouth”….

YEP. Just a typical Monday for this girl.

blessing of the fleet

Yesterday Malcolm and I had the privilege of attending (my very first) blessing of the fleet at the Jackson Yacht Club at the Reservoir.

“What the heck does that mean?” you might be asking (or you might not be if you’re Catholic or Episcopal or a member of a yacht club)?

The Blessing of the Fleet is a tradition that began centuries ago in Mediterranean fishing communities. The practice is predominantly Catholic and a blessing from the local priest was meant to ensure a safe and bountiful season. However, there are numerous instances where the "Blessing" was initiated by an Episcopalian minister.

The very lovely Rev. Kyle Dice Seage of St. Philip's Episcopal Church blessed each boat as they breezed past in the water.

It was an absolutely gorgeous day out on the water and on top of the fact that I can now say I’ve attended a ‘blessing of the fleet’, I can also say I thoroughly enjoyed myself and had a blast.

But then again, it’s hard not to have a blast when you’re with Malcolm.

For more pictures, see Jim Albritton’s page