yoga: year in review

This past year has held a lot of goodness for me. It’s actually been more pleasant than painful. And I can’t remember many years prior when I’ve been able to say that.

One of the reasons this year was so good was my commitment and dedication to my yoga practice. I’ve practiced more consistently in the past 2 years than I ever have before—even when I was teaching. I made a pact to try and get to my mat, no matter what’s going on or how I’m feeling, at least twice a week. And I basically honored that pact until Gross Anatomy turned ugly. And in all reality, I should have STILL keep that pact. But there literally is not enough time in the day.

This is my year-in- yoga review.

It's my year in review because I'm honoring Samhain this year which is observed on October 31st. 

In February, I had the pleasure of studying under MY very own yoga teacher, Scotta Brady, in a workshop she held in New Orleans. I also celebrated my 29^th birthday while there.

In April we had the honor of hosting Desiree Rumbaugh here in Jackson! I absolutely loved Desiree and the way she led us and taught us the secret of rooting to T-12. That phrase is permanently stuck in my head.. “root to T-12…hello, T-12, come in T-12”.

At the beginning of June, a few of us traveled back down to New Orleans to study with Jordan Bloom. Jordan was a pure delight. His spirit and energy are contagious. I loved his teaching style. He is very playful yet very direct. One of my favorite quotes from him is, “It doesn’t matter how far you go, it’s how you go far”.

In August, we had the privilege of hosting (for the second time in the past 2 years) Noah Maze! Noah came to us from Los Angeles and out of all the yoga workshops I’ve participated in during the last several years, his are the most physically challenging. He pushes me to a new edge every time I study with him. I love the way Noah interweaves the ancient texts into our practice. He is a masterful story teller.

I ended my yoga year with none other than the founder of Anusara yoga, John Friend.

John comes to New Orleans just about every year during Halloween. It’s John’s favorite holiday. I was going back and forth about attending because of school but I had signed up for this back in July and had been looking forward to it all summer. So, I worked my ass off to finish my school work in time and I was able to go. And I’m so glad I went.

John’s enthusiasm and energy are captivating. He talked a lot about energies and spirits, which was fitting because we were in New Orleans on HALLOWEEN. One of the main things I took away from that workshop was the concept of light and dark…of death and life. How we must die in order to really live. How every savasana is symbolic of death. And how we must not fear death but embrace it. How we must not fear change or the “death” of things or relationships. How our automatic response is to cling instead of to let go. How it is imperative that we embrace whatever it is that comes our way.

However, although I had the privilege of studying with some amazing  international teachers, my practice would not be where it is today if it were not for my local teachers. Scotta Brady has been impacting my life for the past decade and I’m so proud to call her my teacher. As well as my dear friend, Tara Blumenthal. Thank you ladies for your endless support and encouragement; For teaching me what it truly means to live your yoga on and off the mat. I look forward to many more lessons and classes with you both.

Many of you know that I study yoga; that I’ve taught yoga; and that yoga is something that means a lot to me. But I’m not sure that I’ve ever told you why it’s so important to me.

Why do I practice yoga?

From the time I started studying and practicing yoga when I was 19 years old, I developed an instant love for this ancient practice. I was asking questions and seeking to understand more of what life is about. I wanted to find purpose. I wanted to know my purpose. I was confused and frustrated and in a lot of pain when I found yoga. I wanted so much more out of life. When I began practicing an asana practice at 19, I had no idea what would unfold. I had no idea that yoga would ultimately save my life.

As most of know, I suffered from addiction for a long time. I found yoga right before my addiction took a turn for the worst. With yoga, I found that internal peace I had been searching for. I found forgiveness and love. I found that yoga knew no boundaries. You didn’t have to be a certain color to practice; you didn’t have to believe a certain thing. It was all inclusive, it was warm, it was accepting. It was all the things that religion was not (but should be).

When I moved home from college, I met my best friend and yoga teacher, Theresa Luke. She had just started a yoga studio in Meridian. She took me under her wing and I became a teacher for the yoga studio! We were on fire. And it was hard to be on fire for yoga in Meridian, MS. But she challenged the assumption that a studio would not make it. She poured her passion and her soul into Laughing Llama (now Maitri Wellness) and it was truly one of the best times of my life. We went all over taking yoga workshops. Asheville, Charleston, Jackson…..We were a couple of open-minded hippy chicks in the middle of a very small, closed-minded, conservative town. Unfortunately, shortly after things were getting good at the studio, I took a major turn for the worse and was separated from Theresa and the studio. The next few years were really rough. I traveled down some dark roads. But I never gave up on yoga. Or rather, yoga never gave up on me. It was my one constant.  Even when I was in treatment (a nice way of saying “rehab”) I made time to practice at least 3 times a week. Yoga nourished my soul. Yoga taught me that I am worthy just because I exist. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried on my mat in child’s pose…overwhelmed with sadness and grief and despair and disappointmen. I hurt a lot of people during that time. Myself included. 

When I moved to Jackson to get sober in the Fall of 2009, I had no idea what would happen with my practice. I knew Butterfly was still there (as it was during my years in college) but I just didn’t know where I belonged or where I fit in anymore because I was so utterly lost and lifeless. I told myself I wasn’t good enough and that I shouldn’t be practicing because I’m a loser and a failure at life. I was a hypocrite who professed yoga with my mouth but did drugs and hurt people with my actions. I just didn’t want to fail…again. But, after a few months of staying sober, I found out about a 12-step yoga class offered by a teacher who was also in recovery. I grew so excited. Yoga for people like me! Yoga for the people who are failures, who smoke dope, and who aren’t soccer moms! And I went. as soon as my forehead hit the mat, I knew I was home. I signed back up for regular classes and made a commitment, no matter how good or how bad I feel I am, to get on my mat and do it again; to pick myself back up and start all over.

Every time I get on my mat, I start anew; afresh. And with every savasana, I practice “dying”……I practice letting go, I practice surrendering.

Yoga has taught me (and continues to teach me) how to live; On and off the mat. It’s taught me that no matter what is going on, I’m going to be okay. That I AM worthy no matter what I do; that my thoughts become my actions so I better learn to control them! That what I struggle and battle with most, is myself. I am my greatest and my worst critic. I am not perfect. I’ve practiced for 10 years and still can not do a lot of the poses. Just like I’ve been living for almost 30 years and have still not “arrived”. But every day that I get on my mat, I get stronger. I learn new lessons and see things in a completely different way. Yoga teaches me perspective. It teaches me that you and I are the same person. How I see myself is how I see you; and how I treat myself is how I treat you. Yoga teaches me forgiveness….ultimately of myself but also of others. Yoga unites my mind and my body into one flowing orgasmic ball of energy. How I use that energy is what matters most. Yoga teaches me that this present moment, is perfect. And it’s all I have. And It’s all I need. I used to live in the future. I used to project what would happen and worry about things I couldn’t control. Over the years, that has diminished. About the only thing I worry about now are my test grades. And I’m even getting better in that department as well.

Yoga saved my life. Yoga has given me my best friends and an amazing supportive community. Yoga unites me to you and I bet you didn’t even know it. Yoga teaches me to accept what is and to let go of what isn’t.

I could go on and on (as if you couldn’t tell) but I’ll stop. I could write a blog every day on the reasons why I practice. And why I love it. And why I know it’s the only way to go about living my life. But this will have to do for now.

I should tell you something before I go though.

When I got sober, I had no idea what my life would be like. If I had made a list of all the things I thought I  wanted, I would have sold myself short (yes, I’m sure if you’re in recovery and reading this you’ve heard that phrase before..but it’s true).

Not only did I get a second start at life with new friends and new beginnings, I also made peace with my past and people in it and am very happy to report that I’m back in good graces with the ones that I “lost”. 

And I know that although things are going great right now, they won’t always be good. Pain and suffering will happen again. BUT, I also know that when they come, they also won’t last forever. And then Joy and Happiness will come again too; it’s the life cycle; the yin and the yang; the good and the bad; the dark and the light.

But regardless of what happens, I know I’m going to be okay. I know that regardless of what institutions, people, or ideas fail me….that yoga will always be my constant. It will be the one thing that I know will take me back no matter what.

Because the light within me recognizes and honors that same light that is also within you,

Namaste

When we get out of alignment with Spirit and we try to make or expect life to be something different than it really is, suffering happens. We all experience pain and suffering, but it is not the quintessential nature of life. Just because the earth turns away from the sun and night occurs doesn't mean that the sun isn't always shining. It might be hard to see sometimes, but goodness and divine beauty can always be found if you adjust your vision just right. ~John Friend

*Top photo is of Sharon Gannon and David Life; two of my very favorite yogis and the founders of Jivamukti yoga.

truth or dare

I have recently discovered two truths about myself. Well, when I say "discovered" I mean that i've finally decided to quit being in denial about them. 

The real truth is that i'm afraid of commitment and have intimacy issues. Regarding men and relationships, I mean.
I'm wishy-washy and a tease.
I sleep with men I don't like and don't care if I ever see them again.
Infact, I'm more comfortable with sleeping with someone (even a random stranger) than I am going on a date with them.

You think this is messed up, don't you?


Don't worry. I do too. 

I realize that this type of behavior is unhealthy. And I thought it would get better after I got sober. To some extent, it has. But I still have quite a ways to go. 

The thing is that i'm not exactly sure what to do about this. Of course I can continue to bug my therapist with plausible reasons why I'm like this....of I could start "dating". But that does not sound like fun to me. It sounds uncomfortable and scary and makes me want to run just thinking about it. 

I’m not saying that I have a solution for this truth about myself but it feels good to finally admit it. And put it out there. Sorry, men.


(and mom if you're reading this.....don't worry. I'm still a virgin)

The other truth isn't necessarily about myself...it's about the way our system works, so to speak. I have several friends who desperately need therapy but can't afford it. Why is this? Why does it cost so much to receive beneficial help? The people that need it the most can't afford it! And the people who can afford it, need it simply because they actually can afford it (money creates a whole lot of issues).

This isn't right.

Thank goodness my daddy is a kind and generous man. And when I call him crying about my friends who need help, he helps them. But not everyone is like my dad. And there are millions more out there who need help that have no one to help them.


I think my second truth is that I want to do something to help these people. After I finish Occupational Therapy school, I want to get my  PhD in clinical psychology.

I want to be a pro-bono therapist. 

I know that sounds silly. And I know I won't make any money. But I don't care. I can make money with my degree in OT and can give back to the community with free counseling. 

It's not even really that I personally think I can help people with my wisdom or understanding, but I can help them by simply paying them attention, providing a listening ear, and telling them that they aren't the only ones out there who are feeling what they are feeling. 

Sometimes that's all it takes. 


That's all it took for me at one time in my life.
And I still have to be reminded of it often. 

So there. Those are my two truths. They are very different from each other. 

But I never said I was perfect or anything like it. 

I'm a real girl with some very real issues. And I know I'm not alone. 

What are your truths that you’re scared to admit?

Denial is powerful. Don’t let it rob you of your life.

your heart is my pinata

Upon being asked about his books, Chuck had this to say....

"If you haven’t already noticed, all my books are about a lonely person looking for some way to connect with other people.

In a way, that is the opposite of the American Dream: to get so rich you can rise above the rabble, all those people on the freeway or, worse, the bus." ~Stranger Than Fiction: True Stories (2004)

*This blog contains images with quotes above each image from one of Chuck Palahniuk's books.*

  I had the honor of getting to see Chuck Thursday night at Hal & Mal's for his Damned tour. 

If you are not familiar with this author, i highly suggest you become so.  

What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.~Choke

I've met God across his long walnut desk with his diplomas hanging on the wall behind him, and God asks me, "Why?"

Why did I cause so much pain?Didn't I realize that each of us is a sacred, unique snowflake of special unique specialness?Can't I see that we're all manifestations of love?

I look at God behind his desk, taking notes on a pad, but God's got this all wrong. We are not special.

We are not crap or trash either. We just are.We just are, and what happens just happens.

And God says, "No, that's not right." Yeah. Well. Whatever. You can't teach God anything. 

~Fight Club

"Behind a veil, you're the great unknown," she says. "Most guys will fight to know you. Some guys will deny you're a real person, and some will just ignore you."

The zealot. The atheist. The agnostic. ~ Invisible Monsters

The best way to waste your life is by taking notes. The easiest way to avoid living is to just watch.~Lullaby

 She'd wear shades of lipstick you'd expect to see around of the base of a penis. ~Invisible Monsters

The unreal is more powerful than the real. Because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because it's only intangibles, ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. People, well, they die. But things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on. If you can change the way people think. The way they see themselves. The way they see the world. You can change the way people live their lives. That’s the only lasting thing you can create. ~Choke

 And the more she could imagine this island, the less she liked the real world. The more she could imagine the people, the less she liked any real people.  It got until she didn’t belong anywhere. It got so nobody was good enough, refined enough, real enough. Nothing was as real as her imagined world.~Diary

You will always have some excuse not to live your life.~Haunted

Proposition 26

Dear Friends,

I’m not going to write a lengthy blog about the pros and cons of proposition 26.

But I DO have a few things i'd like to share.

First off,

The guy who proposed the bill, Les Riley, is a religious fanatic. 

The only reason that this bill has gotten this far already is because people are ignorant and /or uninformed (especially those who call themselves "Christians"). And this is just one of the many reasons why I have been turned off from Christianity since I was young.

I think that anyone and everyone who knows me would agree that nobody believes in the sanctity of human life more than I do.

It is something that I have fought for my entire life. To truly live; to give others a chance to truly live; to reduce the amount of suffering; to give hope; to give love; to give myself up for the higher purpose and the higher good for all man-kind.

My point in telling you that is that you can still believe in the sanctity of life AND be against this bill. 

This proposition isn’t really about abortion. It’s about control and legalism and claiming that the government knows best about women and their reproductive system.

Please read this excerpt from a PRO-LIFE physician.

Friends, this is not really about being pro-life or pro-choice. This is about a crazy man who is trying to gain more followers by coming up with propositions such as this one.

What I really want to get across is that you need to be FULLY informed before you vote.

Please take time to read this article about The Facts about Amendment 26

This is not about liberals and conservatives. This is about women; and our bodies; and what is best for us. and what is best for us to NOT allow this bill to pass. 

 The fact that this bill has gotten this far scares me to death.

Please, please, please let’s not make our state look any worse by supporting this cause.

Do the right thing and vote “NO” on November 8^th, 2011.

To learn how to get involved with Prop 26, click here.

the grass is greener.....

......on my side?

actually, the saying is, "the grass is greener on the other side"....but today i realized that actually, the grass is greener on my side. here's the deal....

I’ve been on a major self-pity pot lately.

I’m somewhat depressed.

And I just got on new medicine…that is apparently working backwards from what it’s supposed to.

*Ugh*

I literally hate being in my body. I feel fat, gross, and severely ugly.

People assure me this isn’t the case but geesh, I’m not convinced.

The only thing I’ve thought about for the past 2 weeks is anatomy. I’ve quit going to yoga because I don’t have time to take away from studying. I’ve quit jogging in the mornings because I don’t want to get out of bed. I haven’t washed my hair in over a week. I think I’ve showered every few days or so…..

And then this morning I read this blog….about a woman who has 8 children. She gave a recent account of her morning at the grocery store with 5 babies. The account is funny and remarkable (to me) and can be read here. 

BUT,

It made me stop and think, “wait a minute.......your life really isn’t so bad, Jennifer”.

I started thinking about my life and somewhat comparing it to this woman’s life (who is also a VERY talented photographer and has the most GORGEOUS family I’ve ever seen). She pops out babies like it’s nothing..home-births and all. And manages 8 children…no maid, no cook….and she's not much older than I am!

I live alone. Have no children. My dog lives with my mother. The only responsibility I really have at home is watering my plants everyday (and paying my bills on time). Oh, and going to school;)

I get to go to sleep whenever I want and when I wake up, I only have myself to think about.

I can go out of town on a whim or without much notice.

I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want (although I really shouldn’t).

I get to lie on the couch and research ridiculous topics while watching Bulletproof (and writing this blog).

She can’t do any of those things. Because 8 people DEPEND on her…day and night….night and day…she has NO break from that.

To say I admire her is an understatement.

BUT, to say that I actually WANT that for my life is FAR from the truth……

I’m too selfish. I don’t want 8 people depending on me. In fact, I really don’t want anyone depending on me.

Instead of feeling sorry for myself and my drab ho-hum life (as it’s suddenly become due to my catastrophe in anatomy), I felt a little empowered. I really can do whatever I want.

I don’t know many women who can say this………

It makes me respect women who decide (or don’t decide but somehow have tons of kids) to have children….but I have to say, I’m glad I’m not there yet.

I’ll take my life as a student…studying interesting things, cutting on cadavers, lunches with classmates, being spontaneous, eating ice cream on my couch….the ability to do whatever I want!

this is one of those times when i realized that the grass doesn't look greener on the other side....it actually looks greener on MY side. 

One day this may not be the case, so for now…..i’m going to enjoy every last drop of freedom that I have. 

ever flawed but ever true

Well, well, well, what do we have here:

Hello friends. It’s me again (I always want to insert Margaret here).

I don’t remember the last time I blogged. I’m sure it was something positive and uplifting and inspiring…..my usual latte order.

However, the past few weeks have been anything BUT my usual latte.

I really did fail that test I took (the one I thought I failed). Technically I made a D, but still….. I don’t make D’s. I have almost 6 years of schooling behind me (bachelors and almost 2 masters) and I have only ever made one C in my entire life. And it was in Epistemology. And I’m pretty sure the only reason I made a C in that class was because I had started drinking in the mornings at that point. But anyway, I digress……

I failed.

And for some reason, it hit me harder than usual. I fell into a deep dark hole that took several days, lots of friends and family, and tons of chocolate to pull me out of. Oh, also a visit to the psychiatrist and psychologist. I almost forgot those;)

It was really bad, folks.

For a brief time, I really didn’t see the point of going forward. I haven’t felt that feeling in over 2 years. It took me RIGHT back to that place buried (pretty) deep within me that tells me that I’m not okay. That I’m not going to make it. That I’m too different from the rest. That I don’t belong. That I should go ahead and quit before they kick me out….before they find out who I really am.

I had forgotten that that is what’s inside of me, but somehow, no matter how far I’ve come….it’s still there. It’s just lying more dormant. And it doesn’t come to the surface as often.

I, obviously, have a lot more work to do on myself.

I don’t think that will ever end.

But what WILL end, is this gross anatomy class I’m taking.

And it will end in exactly 8 weeks.

SO, for 8 more weeks, I have resigned myself to know the material to the best of my ability….to pull up my grade and proceed forward.

I’ve spent 2-3 hours a day since that fateful day, on this material. I have even memorized most of the packets—word for word. If you would like to hear about the anterior or medial thigh, i would be most obliged;) I even put my own spin on the adductor canal;)

What this means (to me), is that I can’t do what I want. I can’t go to hardly any more yoga classes, I can’t go hear random music stuff during the week, I can’t go to the fair, I can’t go out of town, on a date, or whatever it is I do during the week. And if you know me at all, you know that I rarely do what I don’t want to do. I think we are all like that for the most part.

I’m still not completely sold on this idea of being responsible. And doing things I don’t want to do. BUT, I do believe the end result will be worth it. And even my worst day now is SO MUCH BETTER than my best day when I was living my life the way “I wanted”.

Self-actualization. That’s the goal, right? I think so…I also think Maslow thought so too;)

In better news, I only have one more full week of class and then we go on our first pediatric field work!  For one week, I will shadow an OT who works in the pediatric field. Super cool, eh?! We think so;) anything to get out us out of class for a weekJ

I hope the beginning of your Fall is going deliciously well. I’m in love with this weather. It makes me never want to get out of bed in the mornings, but other than that, it’s love at first feel;)

Until we meet again…..

I remain,

Ever flawed but Ever true,

Jen

the truth is......

as usual, the weekends go by too quickly.

i had the pleasure of spending this past weekend with my all-time favorite people.

my nephew.

and my boys.

I got to spend some really good quality time with Irwin. This little (16month old) boy brings me joy like no other. I honestly wish I could see him every single day. I enjoyed every second of chasing him, playing cars with him, throwing the ball with him, feeding up, bathing him, reading to him, and putting him in bed. He is one of the happiest babies I’ve ever seen. And might I brag and say his hand-eye coordination is remarkable for a 16 month old. He can actually throw and catch the ball.

And then I also enjoyed some QT with my favorite rambunctious crew—the “Uncle Goodtimes” (as I so affectionately labeled them over the weekend).

And I have a confession to make.

I throw the boys under the bus more than is necessary.

I embellish, boast, and make-fun of these guys so much that you might not actually know how much I really do love them.

If you haven’t already figured out by now, we (all 4 of us) are very lively characters. Our real lives and stories often seem more fictional than real. However, we can assure you, they are very real.

This weekend was no exception.

I spent Friday evening carousing around with them……listening to them moan about losing lovers they never had, and dancing to crazy, silly music. Then of course, they had to listen to my countless stories of lovers I don’t yet have, and all the recent “fumbles” I’ve made with love. At one point, we were all rolling around on the ground dying in hysterics.

You really can’t make this shit up.

I won’t re-tell any of the stories here because I can assure you, you would either A) not believe me or B) never speak to me again.

The night ended with an almost-bar- fight scene up at Weidmann's. I pretended to be largely embarrassed…even though I was mainly just giving them a hard time. I thought the whole entire thing hilarious. The fight ensued because some red neck hillbilly made fun of Eric’s scarf. I remember him yelling, “Don’t ever make fun of my scarf, bro!”.

And then he said, “Jen, would you push someone off this balcony for me”. And I said, “no eric, I wouldn't”. and He said, “I would. I would kill for you. I would gladly take any bullet or push any man off this balcony for you”.

And you know, as the weekend has come to a close….and I’ve thought about how much fun I get out of watching them make themselves look stupid….i have to get honest:

The truth is I would push someone off the balcony for you, Eric. I would also take a bullet for you or jump in front of a car for you or whatever else ridiculous nonsense thing we make up.

The bond I have with those boys is thicker than blood.

They’ve seen me at my lowest. They know all the skeletons hiding in my closet. They listen to me ramble on and on about things that don’t matter. They’ve helped me pick up the pieces over the years and move on. We’ve celebrated both good and bad times together. We’ve been through break-ups, deaths, marriages, relationships, children……..

They are the ones I want standing on my side if I ever get married.

Their opinions are the ones that matter when it concerns possible love interests, jobs, major and un-major decisions.

The truth is that I would rather spend my weekends with them than anyone else.

The truth is that I can’t imagine my life without them.

Eric, Patrick, (and Seanie-baby even though you weren't there, you were in my heart)

I love you.

Thanks for being my boosJ

I look forward to you all inundating my home this weekend!

 here are some photos from the weekend:

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend and are ready for a new week! Last week in September, here we come!