struggle

I have to be honest with you guys—I have been struggling BIG TIME with something small, that has turned into something LARGE, since I’ve been sober—and that something is FOOD. Sugar in particular.

I know I posted this long post around the first of January about revamping my life and cutting out sugar—I even did the Master Cleanse for 14 days! And that was a good start. I dropped a few Christmas pounds, and felt a lot better. But the battle of the bulge (that extra 10 pounds that WILL not go away) is on and it seemingly has gotten so much worse just this year.

Don’t get me wrong, I know by no means that I am fat. I’m not. I’m a comfortable size 8 at the moment. But I have always been between sizes 4-6 all of my 20’s. and now, at the ripe age of 29, I just can’t seem to get back down to my ideal weight and size.

And I have to be honest—it’s killing me! It’s something that is pervading most all of my thoughts. It’s something I am constantly obsessing about.

I have ALWAYS been a relatively thin but healthy girl. Probably because I have always been active. ALWAYS. I ran my first marathon at age 18 and even in the past few months, I've run 5-6 miles daily AND I get in about 3-4 hour long yoga sessions a week. And most of the time I do eat really healthy and good. But I binge. I’ll eat healthy for 4-5 days and then eat junk food for the next 3. and then I wonder why my pants don’t fit. Hmmmm…….

It’s not just that my pants don’t fit, (although they don’t)  I’m having a hard time being kind to myself while my pants aren’t fitting. I’m basically basing my whole self worth on if my pants fit or not. And that is absurd. It’s insane. I’m telling myself horribly ugly things because of these extra 10 pounds.

I hate that I’m such an addict. I have this all or nothing mentality that is absolutely driving me crazy right now. Either I’m 100% healthy or I’m 100% unhealthy. No in-between. And since I cut out alcohol and tobacco, I’ve turned to food without even realizing it.

Now, don’t get me wrong---I LOVE food. I love to eat. I have always been a good eater. I remember people constantly remarking, “my, that girl can eat”. And it’s true—I can. And I love to eat. But lately it’s not just that I love to eat that’s getting me in trouble, it’s that I’m eating when I’m not hungry. I’m eating my emotions. I’m eating my feelings. and I’m completely addicted to sugar. It also doesn’t help that I know that my metabolism has slowed down due to my age.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like no matter how healthy I eat or how many miles I run that my pants are never going to fit again.

And that’s a lie, because eventually, they always do.

I know the answer to this is to stay consistent.

I’m talking to my friend about doing a food log and calling her at the end of everyday with what I’ve eaten—good ole accountability never hurt this gal;)

I need to practice affirmations and meditate more. My self worth is NOT based on how much I weigh. It’s based on who I am on the inside. And if I get my inside okay, my outside will be okay. I’m convinced of this.

I just thought I should be honest and let you know about this struggle. It’s frustrating. It’s difficult. It’s Life. And it’s not nearly the worst thing to be struggling with. Thank goodness this is my only problem today, right?!

I’m going to try and love myself exactly as I am. Because today may be all I have.

But boy oh boy—I can’t wait until those damn pants fit again.

One thing that may get me back on track with fitness and health is the weekend worship with Desiree Rumbaugh!! I am SO excited about getting to work with her this weekend. She is an international outstanding yoga instructor and we are HONORED that she is going to be in Jackson, MS this weekend!

So, if you don't have anything going on, hop over and join us! I'm hoping to have a lot of "ah ha" moments and get my head straight so I can get to work on resolving these body/mind issues that are going on.

If anyone has any encouragement or can relate, I'd love to hear about it!

Happy Weekend, Friends!

I hope that whatever you are struggling with, that you will know you are not alone.  Being human is hard. 

But even in great difficulty lies beauty. I'm just straining to see it;)

I hope that I always remember, no matter what I weigh.......that I AM good enough. and so are you!

BE GRATEFUL TO EVERYONE

Without others, we would have no chance at all to develop beyond ego. So the idea here is to feel grateful that others are presenting us with tremendous obstacles -- even threats or challenges. The point is to appreciate that. Without them, we could not follow the path at all. Walking on the path of the dharma is connected with dealing with our neurosis. But if there were no neuros-ees, we couldn't develop any neuros-is. Therefore, we should feel very grateful to such persons. They are actually the ones who are pushing us onto the path of dharma.

~ Chogyam Trungpa, from "Transformation of Bad Circumstances," in Training the Mind and Cultivating Loving Kindness, page 92.

This is a basic tenet of psychological growth -- that we can only make so much progress on our own, then we need to be in relationship with others to see our shadow stuff reflected in our relationships.


This is something I have been thinking about a lot lately--friendship and relationships. I'm working on a post dedicated to just the term Friendship and what it means to me.


But I found this tonight while researching and thought it was too good to not pass along. 


I have not been grateful to everyone in my life lately. and the above paragraph reminded me why I should to so. 


Always room for improvement in this girl's life;) 


Thank goodness Monday is almost over! 

Snoop double O G G!

On Wednesday night, my girlfriend (and Yoga instructor) and I got to spend quality time together by………

GOING TO SEE SNOOP DOGG!

I know, you must be giggling right now. Or have a look of confusion on your face.  But it’s true. Snoop came to Jackson and played at Club Fire.

I really did not know what to expect nor anticipated having as much fun as I did. But let me tell you. I had a….

MOTHER FREAKIN’ BLAST!

(in the words of Snoop. Except insert the real F bomb).

Tara and I had a lovely meal at Bravo! Italian Restaurant. We then ventured down to Club Fire (which is just hilarious to me in and of itself) and got our Snoop on. Snoop actually didn’t come out until close to midnight. So we danced to the rappers who came on before, ran into some friends, spent another hour taking photos, all while waiting for Snoop to make an appearance.

 I hear he is known for being fashionably late (as in close to 3 hours later than scheduled) and so I had expected to wait. And we did;) But when he came out, you would have thought I was the biggest Snoop Dogg fan in the whole world! I was mesmerized. Ha!

He played his old classic hits—my favorite is Gin and Juice. A few others that I actually knew were Sexual Seduction, Jump Around, Drop it Like it’s Hot, and What’s My Name.

He only rapped for about an hour and at around 1am called it a night. But oh no, It wasn’t over for Tara and I! A guy from the stage started hand picking girls to go back stage!!! We didn’t know what was about to go down but we sure wanted to find out! So, we went back stage! And got to meet all his crew, family (Dad), manager—everybody except Snoop. We were told he would come out to take pictures with us, but at about 2am, we realized, he might even be more late for backstage than he was to go on stage! So sadly, we left. I heard later on that he never came out of the bus but that people go to go IN the bus with him. Hmmmmm…….that sounds a little fishy. It was probably for the best that we left.

All in all, we had an amazing time. I just love Tara to death.

See you next time, Snoop!

In other news, I spent a couple of hours yesterday opening my windows because they were painted shut. and I finally got most of them open! Here is a view outside my house with the windows open. I don't know if you can actually tell they are open or not but I have the most amazing breeze coming in now! 

Happy Weekend, Friends! I hope everyone enjoys this last weekend in March!

why, hello spring!

Hello, Spring!

I don’t know about you, but I COME ALIVE during Spring time. I mean, I’m always “alive” but my spirit really soars when the weather gets a little warmer, the flowers start to bloom, the smell of honeysuckle tickles my nose—the way it stays light later, the breeze, the smell of fresh cut grass and cook-outs. MAN ALIVE—I LOVE IT!

I always fall in love during spring time. And I mean, not just with a guy (although there is usually one involved—at least one, I might add)…I fall in love with everything. Kind of like Valentine’s Day all over again!

And today was no exception.

The first day of Spring was utterly amazing and fantastic for me.

and to think it fell on a Monday!

I woke up with an over-whelming feeling of how awesome it is to be alive. To be alive and loving life. Wow. Words can not really express the state of my soul and spirit today because it was just completely other-wordly.

I went to school with an unusual skip in my step.

I went to the grocery store, came home, unloaded groceries and got a call from one of my favorite people—Malcolm. We walked down the street to eat at Basil’s in Belhaven.

We sat outside and enjoyed our salads. We laughed and talked and laughed some more.

Then we walked down the way to Belhaven University to see the Student Art Exhibit—seeing as it was the last day to view the show and my dear and beloved, Lydia Gamble, had a piece in there—I definitely had to see it.

I was absolutely amazed! It was a WONDERFUL show! Such talent very much quality work. I also loved visiting with my old friend Bob Pennebaker. Bob and I go way back from the time I was a student there and I just love him to death. He’s a rare man and I am so glad Belhaven has him!

 Check out a few of the pieces below! 

This one is Lydia's. 

We visited with the painting class—who was, of course, painting outside on this glorious day!

After our walk I went for a jog about the neighborhood.

I really can’t express how happy I am to be back in Belhaven! I just love it here. It truly feels like I am “home”. I am so comfortable in my skin and with my life. It’s a good feeling.

I listened to music and left my doors open to let the breeze come in.

I went to yoga and had my ass kicked but boy did it feel good! It feels good today to be passionate about life and to be able to fully participate in life; To be fully present and engaged in the moment.

I hope that each of you had a marvelous first day of Spring.

As you can tell, I certainly did;)

Here’s to a full week of Spring Time Bliss!

PARADE!

Today was a big day!

and it’s not even over yet!

Today was the 29^th annual Mal’s St. Paddy’s Day Parade here in the Capitol City.

It has become a legendary event here in Jackson-- bringing over 60,000 people in for this one event. WOW. and yes, my dear friend, Malcolm White, is the Mal in the parade. I kind of feel like a big shot just for being his friend. ha! 

Can you say GREEN?!?! The entire view from anywhere you looked was green. And the most fabulous and funky green I might add.

I found this to be the perfect time to pull out my shades that my mom got me for Christmas. If you don’t remember the shades, click here.

This was my first year to fully participate in the Parade.

I got to join my dear friends and neighbors, Rachel and Seth Misenar and their two kiddos, Jude and Hazel, and what a TREAT it was!

Rachel and I got up at the crack of dawn and ran in the 5k! I hadn’t run a 5K in about 7 years and somehow, we both ran exceptionally well! I finished with a time of 26:00 even and Rachel finished with her new personal best, 26:30! Way to go, Rach! I was so proud of us!

After we showered and cleaned up, we headed back down town to join the festivities.

I ran into to a very dear friend, Lee Slayton, and his girlfriend, Krilecia Gianakos, AND Lindsey Renee Brown from Meridian!

 

If you can't tell from the pictures, Hazel is my new bestie! Followed closely by Rachel however;)


I can't tell you how amazing it is to be back in close proximity and close in spirit to Rachel and Seth. They are dear friends of mine who go way back and I know it is not by accident that i moved right around the corner from them and their precious family. Rachel is a kindred spirit and has a heart bigger than anybody. Our spirits have always resonated and I am just so grateful and blessed to have her in my life. I can tell this is just the start of a long chapter with them. Rachel is an extremely talented artist and blogger! Check out her blog here! 


Thank you Misenar Family for letting me be apart of your family for the day. I had a BLAST at the parade!


Well done, Malcolm and crew! You guys sure know how to throw a parade! 


and my festivities aren't even over yet. I am headed on a date with the lovely, Jessica Criddle, to see Another Year at the Art House Cinema Downtown at The Plantarium! More on that in another blog I'm sure.


Happy Wonderful Weekend, Friends! I hope yours was filled with as much love, fun, bliss, and happiness as mine!