a typical day in my life...

If you are one of the people who have called me at least twice a week for the last month and have still not received a return phone call from me…here is why.

Let me show you what a typical day for me looks like this semester:

5:30am—wake up/make coffee/remind myself to be grateful for this new day

6:00-7:00—Jog anywhere from 3-6 miles or study (depending on what tests and how much material I have on my plate)

7:00—Jump in shower/ quickly dress/check emails/make to-do list for the day/pack a lunch/ make sure my book bag is packed/make sure my assignments are in my book-bag/call mom back/ make sure I have my keys…

7:30-8:30—study neuroanatomy. Only get through 2 pages out of 20.

8:30—head to school

9:00am-4:00—in class—literally the entire time. On my lunch break from 12-1, I quickly eat and then look over more material for the next class or previous class.

4:20pm—get home from school (and sadly no smoke break for me)

4:30-5:00—return emails/pay bills/check assignments

5:30-6:30—Pure Barre or Yoga (depending on the day)

7:00—arrive home and make dinner

7:30-10:00pm—Study—either Kinesiology, Med Conditions II, Middle Childhood Adolescents class, etc

10:00-10:30—wind down, check messages, watch end of the Colbert Report on Comedy Central

11:00—head to bed to read for about 20 minutes until my eyelids droop

(And that schedule doesn’t take into account the fact that I have an 8:00am every Wednesday. It also doesn’t take into account grocery shopping/meal preparation (because I try and eat out only once a week), laundry, cleaning, meetings, etc.)

And that is on a good day. The bad days are when I only get 4 hours of sleep because some unexpected thing pops up….(for example, my vehicle basically fell apart last Wednesday and I have been without a vehicle for 7 days).

Keep in mind that I’m not even making A’s—I’m making more low B’s to high C’s (and some D’s). If I were to make A’s, I would have to cut out workouts and study more on the weekends---and that is not something I’m willing to do.

Also keep in mind that if I don’t work out at least once (preferably twice) a day, my ADHD acts up (even though I do take medicine) and it’s almost impossible for me to remember anything I’ve learned or studied. It’s also impossible for me to sleep. I have to wear myself out during the day so that I’ll sleep at night. Yes, be grateful if you are more “normal” in this area.

As you can see, the only time I have to actually use the phone are for the brief 10-15 minute intervals en route to the next activity….and most of the phone calls I receive require much more than 10 minutes.

Now, I know for a fact that most people are just as busy as I am. What I just described to you is probably more normal than un-normal. And I don’t have a husband or kids so usually the above schedule is manageable although completely un-preferable. Most everyone knows I like to play way more than I like to work. And I get to play very little this semester.

(By the way, I won’t go into this soap box now, but I can’t tell you how frustrated and annoyed I get when my friends, who are married and have children, assume that because I’m not married and don’t have kids that I have more time or am somehow “living the dream”. I can assure you that even though I don’t have the same stresses as you, I have more on my plate than I can handle—it’s just a different kind of busy and a different kind of stress.)

But I’m telling you this because I feel bad that I don’t have time to talk to you for an hour. Or even 30 minutes—or even really at all. At the end of my day, I just don’t have the energy to engage as much as I’d like. Please don’t take this personal. It’s not. This semester has been the worst (busy-wise and hard-wise) and I really am so ready for Spring Break (which is in 7 school days).

I also try to maintain the really important relationships in my life that keep me sober—with my sponsor and sponsee(s)

On top of that, my sister is getting married in April and I’m trying to be a good maid of honor and help out my mom and sis—but I just feel like I haven’t done enough. Aside from 2 weekends, I'll be out of town every weekend from now until April 15th.

I really am so grateful and blessed to have such a full life.

I wish, so much, that I could have meaningful, engaging conversations with ALL the people that I hold dear. I wish I could do lunch and dinner and go see movies with you. I wish I could go to your birthday party, watch your children in all their activities, and come over for dinner.

But the truth is that I won’t be able to really do any of that until May.

May 4^th to be precise—and then I’ll have a full 3 week break before Summer term starts.

So to all of you who are unable to reach me, I’m here—but not really.

The best way to communicate with me is via email (Jennifer.Nanney@gmail.com) or text. It takes less energy and time and I’m more likely to respond.

I hope all of you are doing wonderfully well. I hope you’re enjoying the little things that I so desperately want to be enjoying as well….

I'm living by this mantra...

All My Love,

Jen

life without facebook

After my leave of absence from facebook, I can tell you a few things that have drastically changed:

1)     I get WAY more school done during the day (and evening)

2)    I’ve gone to bed almost an hour earlier every evening

3)     I pay almost 100% more attention in class. I’m not tempted to get out my phone and mindlessly fidget with it wavering back and forth between facebook and/or twitter.

4)    All the “chatter” in my mind is more calm

5)     I’m glad that I don’t know what you’re doing today. And I’m even more glad you don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going.

6)    I’ve had many more phone conversations and made more attempts to be fully present with the people that are actually IN my life (not on a screen)

7)     I feel less dumb

8)    I’m reading a lot more at night

9)    I’ve had more time to pay attention to what’s actually going on with me—instead of ignoring or evading things I need to be looking at.

10)                         I feel more “healthy” all the way around

I don’t know why it took me so long do to this. I’ve known I needed to do it for a while.

I hope your Lenten journey is one of thoughtful reflection and focus on why you do what you do. Why you believe what you believe; what changes you want to see in your life long-term; what’s keeping you from living the life you’ve always wanted to live.

In other news...

I made a brief trip home over the weekend—literally less than 72 hours but it was so wonderful to see my mom and dad—and of course my little nephew—who is almost 2!! This time I could really tell how much he’s grown. He’s talking more and his little personality is blossoming and let me tell you—he is ALL boy! That boy could play outside for 24 hours if we let him. He loves all our animals (by the way, we are now back up to 3 dogs and 3 cats! We haven’t had that many animals in years. My poor mom and dad)!

And now it’s back to the real world for me. The next two weeks at school are going to be the most hectic yet. We are getting ready to cram in a second round of tests before Spring Break—and while I’m maintaining a very B average this semester, I need to do well on these so I’ll have a little leeway going into our finals.

I have to tell you, I’m really ready to be done with this first year. The past few weeks I’ve realized how tired and worn-out I am of just my regular routine. My daily routine starts somewhere around 5:30am every morning and I usually never get into the bed before 11pm. But the end is in sight. Thank goodness. 

Blessings to you and yours!

With a full heart,

Jennifer

Lent and Red Velvet

The last few weeks have brought about a lot of school stress. Remember how I told you about my “new plan”? Well, it didn’t work out so well when I realized we had back-to-back tests and I hadn’t cracked a book since we started. So, I had a little catching up to do (to put it lightly).

Nothing was “normal” for me this past week. I didn’t work out, ate complete crap, averaged 4 hours of sleep a night and just generally had a feeling of impending doom all week. I’m really glad it’s over.

However, it’s made me realize that I do have to put more school effort in during the week so that weeks like this won’t happen again (or very often). Which means that my social life just got axed again. Sorry friends. I’ll miss youJ

Since Lent is just around the corner…..

I’ve decided to give up Facebook for Lent. My friend, Rachel, did it last year and I really thought it was a swell idea and now this year, I’m going to give it a go. 6 weeks shouldn’t be so bad, right?!

I sat down with my calendar and realized that these next 6-8 weeks are going to be really busy… not only with school but with my sister’s upcoming wedding! From here on out I’ll be gone most weekends due to family/wedding activity and I just don’t need any extra distractions or time-wasters.

My thoughts about getting off Facebook have been growing for months now but I do love social media networks (as if you couldn’t tell). Because I am so busy during the day, it does allow me to keep up with people I care about and to still feel “plugged in” so to speak.

However, what I don’t like about it outweighs what I do like about it. And no, I’m not someone who can just ‘not check it as often’. I am an all or nothing person. I’m working on balance but my brain just doesn’t work that way. I’m either all in, or all out. About everything—not just my facebook dilemma.

Here is what I don’t like about facebook:

I don’t like the way people make up their own reality. People can paint whatever picture or image of themselves and this rarely mimics the truth. I have friends (and family) that do this and it makes me cringe  everytime I read a status such as, “I love life so much! I have the most perfect boyfriend/husband/child and my life could not get any better.” The thing is, it’s not the status that makes me cringe, it’s the fact that I know it’s a blatant lie. I know this because these people are actually a part of my real life. I know what’s going on with them and that ain’t it.

 If you are having a bad day or going through a hard time, why would you paint an image that suggests the exact opposite? OH! Maybe because you want everyone to think you have it together and that everything really is all good. I don’t know why but I just know I don’t like it. However, the flip side of that is that they could be acting “as if” which is something I’ve been taught to do. Who knows. Personally, I think transparency is the way to go.

I don’t like the way it plays into the fact that we are beyond self-absorbed. We are all driven to promote ourselves and in a way, we become obsessed with the image we create. We only put up flattering images of ourselves or possibly ones from years ago when we “looked better”. We obsess about what people will think if we post about certain subjects. We get into debates over personal issues and we don’t even really know who we’re arguing with or why.

We learn useless things about people we really don’t even know. Like what you ate for breakfast and how you can’t wait for the weekend and what color poop your child made this morning.

It’s a substitution for a real social life. I don’t go out and have conversations with nearly half the people I do on facebook. I don’t really meet up with friends for coffee or dinner as often because I can learn all I need to know about them via the internet. And vice versa.

It takes time away from things I once not only enjoyed but were also more beneficial for both my brain and my life—such as reading, being creative, getting out in nature, helping others, etc, etc…..

I get hit on by countless creepy men that I don’t really know. If I’ve met you once, that doesn’t invite an automatic “in” to my life. Also, if we have mutual friends in common it does NOT mean that we need to be “friends”.

It keeps me from living more in the present moment.

And now here is what I do like about facebook:

I love that I get to see pictures of my ‘real-life’ friends and their children and of course, my nephew.

I love the informative posts and articles certain friends post.

I love learning who died, who’s getting divorced, who’s getting married, and who’s pregnant almost exactly 10 seconds after said person dies, gets divorced, gets married, or gets knocked up.

I love documenting special occasions. Believe it or not, people actually love that I document their party, shower, special event, etc….

And please don’t get me wrong, I am including myself in ALL the above info. I have done all of the things I hate about facebook on facebook over the years and I’m just as disgusted at myself as I am with the whole site in general. 

I thought about just re-creating another page or starting over with a new page and only adding or accepting friends that are actually my real-life friends.

Who knows. All I know is that if I’ve put this much time and thought into it, it certainly is something I need to do something about.

I don’t think I’ll get off forever, I like it far too much to do thatJ

However, I think I need the next 6 weeks to be as distraction-free as possible. I’ve realized that I feel obligated and burdened by being on facebook. I mean that I learn too much and feel responsible to do more. I would love to attend every concert, art show, birthday party that I get invited to via facebook, but for every one I say yes to, there are at least 5 I’m saying no to. And it makes me feel like I have to do it all. I know that I don’t but it is the way I feel.

I need a break.

From my online social network.

From being concerned with things that don’t really matter.

From the pointless drama and ridiculous information.

So, until further adieu, good bye facebook!

If you are really my friend, then you already have my number and/or email address. You also probably follow me on this blog. So, if you really want to keep up with me then there are plenty of other ways to do so.

Also, if you have any pictures on your page that I’ve taken…they will instantly disappear when I deactivate my account. If you would like to keep them, please save them onto your computer and you can re-upload them.

If not, then have a blessed Lent season and Easter!

(I will deactivate my account on Wednesday of next week, February 22)

On to another topic I’ve been thinking about…

Red. Velvet. Cake.

To be honest with you, I’ve never understood red velvet cake.

 I’ve never been overly fond of the taste and never understood the deal with them. I’ve heard over and over, “it’s so hard to make a GOOD red velvet cake” and I always wondered why.

 Why do you add red food coloring to basically a chocolate cake and then call it red velvet. Why not add blue and call it blue velvet? Or green, yellow, and so on and so forth. Why red?

Well, I did a little research and this is what I found….(straight from Wikipedia by the way)

James Beard's 1972 reference American Cookery  describes three red velvet cakes varying in the amounts of shortening and butter. All use red food coloring, but the reaction of acidic vinegar and buttermilk tends to better reveal the red anthocyanin in the cocoa.

 Before more alkaline "Dutch Processed" cocoa was widely available, the red color would have been more pronounced. This natural tinting may have been the source for the name "Red Velvet" as well as "Devil's Food" and similar names for chocolate cakes. While foods were rationed during World War II, bakers used boiled beets to enhance the color of their cakes. Boiled grated beets or beet baby food are found in some red velvet cake recipes, where they also serve to retain moisture.

In Canada the cake was a well-known dessert in the restaurants and bakeries of the Eaton's department store chain in the 1940s and 1950s. Promoted as an exclusive Eaton's recipe, with employees who knew the recipe sworn to silence, many mistakenly believed the cake to be the invention of the department store matriarch, Lady Eaton.

A resurgence in the popularity of this cake is partly attributed to the 1989 film Steel Magnolias in which the groom's cake (a southern tradition) is a red velvet cake made in the shape of an armadillo. In recent years, red velvet cake has become increasingly popular and can usually be found in most cupcake bakeries.

And there you have it.

Made so much more sense to me and now I can say I’m on my way to being a red velvet fan.

My dear friend, Tammy, LOVES red velvet cake—it’s her favorite.

We celebrated her birthday last night and I had my best friend (and pastry chef) make her a red velvet from scratch.

Let me just tell you that it was the most amazing cake of my life.

Thank you, Lydia, for changing my mind about red velvet! 

The Paradox Of Our Time

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less; we buy more but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life, we've added years to life not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.

 We write more, but Learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies.

 These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw-away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet, to kill. 

It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember to spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember to say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember to give a warm hug to the one next to you because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember to say "I Love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to Love, give time to speak, give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind. To all my friends in my life, thanks for being there!

Live with intention, walk to the edge. Listen hard, practice wellness, continue to learn. Laugh, play with abandon. Choose with no regret. Appreciate your friends.

 Dr. Bob Moorehead

* a big thank you to Jason Armstrong for reminding me of this yesterday

forming true partnerships

I’m pretty sure by now that you’ve picked up on the fact that I love people. I love studying people, I love watching people, I love helping people……the funny part of this is that I’m just as much of an introvert as I am an extrovert. No one ever believes me when I tell them that—unless they know me really well.

Anyway.

Because I love people, I know a lot of people. And a lot of people know me. It’s always been this way. I never remember it being any other way. (and please don’t call me “popular”—I cringe when people say that). I don’t think it’s so much that I’m “popular” as much as that I just care. And I think people pick up on that.

(I do have a point with this)….

My point being that I get a lot of phone calls, texts, emails…..from people—who, like me, are somewhat mal adjusted to life—have obstacles that seem insurmountable—are broken—at the end of their rope—suffering from addiction—from bad relationships—the list could go on and on.

I generally just listen.

And then I offer my experience.

Because my experience is all I have.

The truth is that I’m not a professional. I’m not a counselor. I’m not therapist….none of that.

I’m just a girl who has experienced all of the above mentioned things and I guess people know that and feel like they can relate to me.

My real point in telling you all of this is because I’ve noticed a pattern—a common theme, if you will……and although it is covered in many different layers—it’s essentially the same thing.

That “thing” is an inability to form true partnerships with other people.

In fact, it is one of my favorite paragraphs in one of my favorite books....

“. . . it is from our twisted relations with family, friends and society at large that many of us have suffered the most. The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being.”

Source found here

And I don’t mean just romantic partnerships—I mean all partnerships. Friends, family, co-workers, employers, cousins, etc, etc, etc.

We don’t know to have beautiful relationships.

We don’t know how to have healthy relationships.

We don’t know how to be a good partner; good friend; good co-worker; good lover……

We know how to be selfish.

We know how to be half-way committed.

We know how to be scared.

I guess one of the biggest reasons I’m writing this is because someone (who knows me well) recently said this to me:

“Jen, you spend all your time helping others and focusing on others and the relationships that are going on with them, yet you have made yourself completely unavailable.”

When I asked him what he meant by that he also said…

“you have completely cut yourself off from any possibility of having relationships with anyone you know. Sure, you’re single—but you aren’t available and I think you like it like that. It gives you power. But you’re only available or interested in people you don’t know. And then once you get to know them, you become unavailable to them.”

(and yes, in the above example, it is clearly a romantic partnership this friend was referring to)

And then he gave me several examples over the past year and the relationships that tried to come my way.

The reason I’m telling you this is because I don’t think I’m the only one like this.

The more I sit and think about it—the more I realize it’s true for a lot of people I know.

Drugs, alcohol, sex, food, video-games, gambling, isolating—

All of those things cover up the fact that we’re just scared. And we really don’t know how to form true partnerships with people. And no one is teaching us….no one is modeling healthy behavior for us.

So it becomes acceptable to have lots of different partners (friends, lovers…etc). We hold them at arm’s length and when life gets hard, or they get “boring”, we ditch them and cast our line for yet another “fun, exciting, life-altering” partner.

The problem is that during this process, we hurt those people.

But we hurt ourselves more.

Do I have a solution for this?

No, not really.

I just thought I should acknowledge this and become more aware of this so that maybe….

Just maybe….

One day I’ll become “available to the people who are present in my life.”

Until then I’m going to ponder this more.

Your feedback is welcomed.