forming true partnerships

I’m pretty sure by now that you’ve picked up on the fact that I love people. I love studying people, I love watching people, I love helping people……the funny part of this is that I’m just as much of an introvert as I am an extrovert. No one ever believes me when I tell them that—unless they know me really well.

Anyway.

Because I love people, I know a lot of people. And a lot of people know me. It’s always been this way. I never remember it being any other way. (and please don’t call me “popular”—I cringe when people say that). I don’t think it’s so much that I’m “popular” as much as that I just care. And I think people pick up on that.

(I do have a point with this)….

My point being that I get a lot of phone calls, texts, emails…..from people—who, like me, are somewhat mal adjusted to life—have obstacles that seem insurmountable—are broken—at the end of their rope—suffering from addiction—from bad relationships—the list could go on and on.

I generally just listen.

And then I offer my experience.

Because my experience is all I have.

The truth is that I’m not a professional. I’m not a counselor. I’m not therapist….none of that.

I’m just a girl who has experienced all of the above mentioned things and I guess people know that and feel like they can relate to me.

My real point in telling you all of this is because I’ve noticed a pattern—a common theme, if you will……and although it is covered in many different layers—it’s essentially the same thing.

That “thing” is an inability to form true partnerships with other people.

In fact, it is one of my favorite paragraphs in one of my favorite books....

“. . . it is from our twisted relations with family, friends and society at large that many of us have suffered the most. The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being.”

Source found here

And I don’t mean just romantic partnerships—I mean all partnerships. Friends, family, co-workers, employers, cousins, etc, etc, etc.

We don’t know to have beautiful relationships.

We don’t know how to have healthy relationships.

We don’t know how to be a good partner; good friend; good co-worker; good lover……

We know how to be selfish.

We know how to be half-way committed.

We know how to be scared.

I guess one of the biggest reasons I’m writing this is because someone (who knows me well) recently said this to me:

“Jen, you spend all your time helping others and focusing on others and the relationships that are going on with them, yet you have made yourself completely unavailable.”

When I asked him what he meant by that he also said…

“you have completely cut yourself off from any possibility of having relationships with anyone you know. Sure, you’re single—but you aren’t available and I think you like it like that. It gives you power. But you’re only available or interested in people you don’t know. And then once you get to know them, you become unavailable to them.”

(and yes, in the above example, it is clearly a romantic partnership this friend was referring to)

And then he gave me several examples over the past year and the relationships that tried to come my way.

The reason I’m telling you this is because I don’t think I’m the only one like this.

The more I sit and think about it—the more I realize it’s true for a lot of people I know.

Drugs, alcohol, sex, food, video-games, gambling, isolating—

All of those things cover up the fact that we’re just scared. And we really don’t know how to form true partnerships with people. And no one is teaching us….no one is modeling healthy behavior for us.

So it becomes acceptable to have lots of different partners (friends, lovers…etc). We hold them at arm’s length and when life gets hard, or they get “boring”, we ditch them and cast our line for yet another “fun, exciting, life-altering” partner.

The problem is that during this process, we hurt those people.

But we hurt ourselves more.

Do I have a solution for this?

No, not really.

I just thought I should acknowledge this and become more aware of this so that maybe….

Just maybe….

One day I’ll become “available to the people who are present in my life.”

Until then I’m going to ponder this more.

Your feedback is welcomed.