on getting and being gotten

I heard a friend of mine mention this subject last night and it made me start to think....and because i'm still thinking about it, i decided to blog about it. so here i go...my thoughts on "being gotten". 

How many times have you thought to yourself, “they just don’t get me.”? Whether you were referring to your parents, your partner, your best friend, your boss….whomever… it’s something that I think most of us have said at more than one time in our life. I know I have. (and sometimes still do).

Before I got sober it was a very common theme in my life—people just didn’t “get me”. They didn’t understand who I was or how I felt or why I was doing the things I was doing—they didn’t know what it was like to be ME. If they did, surely they would be more sympathetic, more tolerant, more “on my side”.

And then I got sober and it was kind of the same deal—they didn’t understand what I was going through, what it was like to be “sober”, what it was like to be an addict, what it was like to have my family, my job, my situation, my, my, my……

And then as I began growing as a human being—and making necessary changes in my life, I began to realize that it doesn’t matter…

It doesn’t matter who “gets” me or if anyone ever “truly” understands me. It doesn’t matter because today I “get” myself. I understand me. And I understand that it’s not all about me……….. that’s the real thing. Having the mentality of “being gotten” is exceptionally selfish and it also reinforces the role of a victim….it’s thinking of myself and how I want you to “get” me and blaming issues and things we don’t understand on the statement: “you just don’t get me”. And it also presumes the idea that you’re thinking about me and that you also want to “get” me. I bet you don’t. I bet you really didn’t want to ”get” half the people you worried about “getting” you.

When I gave up my right to “being gotten” things started changing….for the better.

I was more at peace, more tolerant, and more content…

And the main reason for that is because I became comfortable in my own skin….and I finally came to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter….it really doesn't.

You are who you are, and I am who I am….and If we can just remember that we’re here to love each other and be of maximum service to God and others—then I think we’ll all be “gotten” just fine.

When I gave up my right to be “gotten”, I embraced acceptance.

What about you?

Do you still need people to “get” you?

And if so, do you really “get” yourself?

(Oh the irony!)

I love when little lessons like this pop up and make me realize that it took my past to allow me to see and understand what I do today.

And the beauty is that I’ll always have these little learning lessons pop up because I’ll never be finished learning…I’ll never be at that place where there is nothing left to learn—because there always is.

I hope everyone enjoys their Sunday immensely.

Click here to see the 15 things you should give up to be happy.

(the title of this blog came from here)

“It is very easy to be tricked by the circumstances of the present moment. But, dear seeker, remember that everything changes! Life is an exercise not in adding, but in constantly letting go of what you know and who you think you are and to have the courage to become brand new. When we fixate on the past, we welcome it into our present moment, which keeps the past alive. When you give up the fight THAT is when you’ll take flight!”

- Jackson Kiddard, author & polymath.

recommitment

I love my yoga teacher—I really do. I also love how the universe works and how we learn things exactly when we are supposed to—and not a moment too soon.

Today was not a very good day for me. Well, it started off not so good.

I could tell when I woke up that something was off…it started last night actually. You know that feeling when something isn’t right but you can’t put your finger on it?

I was irritable, restless, and discontent. I started to resent school and the load of this semester. It was so bad that before 7am this morning, I got down on my knees and said a little prayer….i prayed that God would guide and direct my thoughts, actions, and words…. that they would be divorced from self-pity, fear, selfishness, resentment…and that those things would be replaced with more love, patience, tolerance, peace……

And I still didn’t feel any better when I left for school this morning.

I continued to grow more resentful  throughout my day…..i contemplated leaving school several times—for the sake of my classmates. But somehow I made it through the day.

When I got home from school I was still “not right” so I took a second jog for the day and that seemed to clear my mind…and while on my jog, I made the decision to go to yoga tonight instead of studying. I’ve spent the past few days with my head in the books and I really needed to study tonight but I knew my mind needed a break.

When I got to yoga and my teacher started talking about her theme for the class I KNEW I made the right decision.

The theme for tonight’s class was on re-committing ourselves to our path in life. She gave the example that she wanted to recommit herself to her family, her health, and her dharma.

And I instantly knew that I had to recommit myself to the path I’ve chosen.

When I started off this semester I made a pact that I would take better care of myself this semester. I did NOT want a repeat of last semester when I did nothing but study because of the fear of failure. I made a pact that I would nurture the relationships in my life, be more involved in other activities, and find time to enjoy the small stuff.

And I really have honored that commitment….

until the past few weeks… when I got caught up in trying to do everything perfect and feeling like a huge failure in the process.

I am such an extremist that doing a little school and also having a leisure life seems contradictory. I’m usually either ALL school or ALL leisure. And I think I’m finding a balance and I need to be okay with this balance. But instead I feel like I’m not really “acing” school nor am I “acing” my leisure life.

But that’s okay.

I’m learning to do things differently—and that uncomfortable feeling of doing things differently doesn’t mean I have to stop doing it—it means I have to do it until it becomes a way of life—a habit. Learning to be balanced is going to have to become a habit for me…..because it’s something so foreign to my existence.

I re-committed myself tonight on my yoga mat to those things I did at the first of this year---taking care of myself physically, spiritually, and mentally—investing more of my time in the life of my family and friends—and honoring my life by being fully present in all the moments.

When I got out of yoga I had two text messages from friends I haven’t heard from in a while—and one of them I had no clue even had my number…..

I feel I must share them with you…….the first message read:

“Yes, like it or not, you are popular. But, quit beating yourself up and justifying your choices. Look at the beautiful and productive life you are creating. Love and trust yourself to give up any doubt that you somehow are not enough. Every day, we do the best we can and you seem to be doing so awesome that you inspire people and they want to move closer to you. It is a compliment but you my dear friend have the right and responsibility to love yourself enough to respect your limits. Hey and guess what? You are not responsible for any of us. So give up your guilt, it si wasted anyway if it is not serving you. I wish you lots of sleep, good grades, and healthy boundaries. Love always.”

The second message read:

“Hey this is Katie…I just wanted you to know that I saw a girl tonight I thought was you, got way too excited, did some touchdown dancing, and then had to apologize because it was not, in fact, you.”

And then my day (or night) got better.

How cool is that?!?!….that the universe…God….knew that I needed to hear all of that tonight…

It gave me chills just thinking about how things like that work….

I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m exactly where I need to be. I have (as you just bore witness to) the most beautiful people in my life…and when I’m busy being resentful and irritable I forget how awesome my life really is….school and all.

Recommitting myself to the life and path that I have chosen is going to be a daily practice from now on.

(Thanks, Scotta)

Blessings to you, my friends!

Jen

forming true partnerships

I’m pretty sure by now that you’ve picked up on the fact that I love people. I love studying people, I love watching people, I love helping people……the funny part of this is that I’m just as much of an introvert as I am an extrovert. No one ever believes me when I tell them that—unless they know me really well.

Anyway.

Because I love people, I know a lot of people. And a lot of people know me. It’s always been this way. I never remember it being any other way. (and please don’t call me “popular”—I cringe when people say that). I don’t think it’s so much that I’m “popular” as much as that I just care. And I think people pick up on that.

(I do have a point with this)….

My point being that I get a lot of phone calls, texts, emails…..from people—who, like me, are somewhat mal adjusted to life—have obstacles that seem insurmountable—are broken—at the end of their rope—suffering from addiction—from bad relationships—the list could go on and on.

I generally just listen.

And then I offer my experience.

Because my experience is all I have.

The truth is that I’m not a professional. I’m not a counselor. I’m not therapist….none of that.

I’m just a girl who has experienced all of the above mentioned things and I guess people know that and feel like they can relate to me.

My real point in telling you all of this is because I’ve noticed a pattern—a common theme, if you will……and although it is covered in many different layers—it’s essentially the same thing.

That “thing” is an inability to form true partnerships with other people.

In fact, it is one of my favorite paragraphs in one of my favorite books....

“. . . it is from our twisted relations with family, friends and society at large that many of us have suffered the most. The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being.”

Source found here

And I don’t mean just romantic partnerships—I mean all partnerships. Friends, family, co-workers, employers, cousins, etc, etc, etc.

We don’t know to have beautiful relationships.

We don’t know how to have healthy relationships.

We don’t know how to be a good partner; good friend; good co-worker; good lover……

We know how to be selfish.

We know how to be half-way committed.

We know how to be scared.

I guess one of the biggest reasons I’m writing this is because someone (who knows me well) recently said this to me:

“Jen, you spend all your time helping others and focusing on others and the relationships that are going on with them, yet you have made yourself completely unavailable.”

When I asked him what he meant by that he also said…

“you have completely cut yourself off from any possibility of having relationships with anyone you know. Sure, you’re single—but you aren’t available and I think you like it like that. It gives you power. But you’re only available or interested in people you don’t know. And then once you get to know them, you become unavailable to them.”

(and yes, in the above example, it is clearly a romantic partnership this friend was referring to)

And then he gave me several examples over the past year and the relationships that tried to come my way.

The reason I’m telling you this is because I don’t think I’m the only one like this.

The more I sit and think about it—the more I realize it’s true for a lot of people I know.

Drugs, alcohol, sex, food, video-games, gambling, isolating—

All of those things cover up the fact that we’re just scared. And we really don’t know how to form true partnerships with people. And no one is teaching us….no one is modeling healthy behavior for us.

So it becomes acceptable to have lots of different partners (friends, lovers…etc). We hold them at arm’s length and when life gets hard, or they get “boring”, we ditch them and cast our line for yet another “fun, exciting, life-altering” partner.

The problem is that during this process, we hurt those people.

But we hurt ourselves more.

Do I have a solution for this?

No, not really.

I just thought I should acknowledge this and become more aware of this so that maybe….

Just maybe….

One day I’ll become “available to the people who are present in my life.”

Until then I’m going to ponder this more.

Your feedback is welcomed. 

here's looking at you, kid

hello dear friends,

If this week is any indication of how this year is going to be….hold on tight and buckle your seat belts—it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

Ever since I got back to Jackson on Monday, my phone has been ringing off the hook. A lot of friends who want to catch up, a lot of business related calls, and several calls from friends of mine who are really having a hard time. 

The saying is proving true—when it rains, it pours.

My heart goes out to all my friends—near and far—who are suffering.

 Who are hurting. Who feel betrayed. angry. confused. frustrated. lost.

You know, when life is good—I always seem to forget the bad. And when it’s bad, I always forget the good. Strange how that works.

I love what my friend always tells me:

The good part is that you won’t feel this way forever.

The bad part is that you won’t feel this way forever.

Hmmmm…….

The only thing we really can rely on is change. Yet it’s usually something we resist with all our might.

What is it that you’re holding on to that is preventing you from living your life?

What’s the one thing you tell yourself, “When this occurs, my life will be perfect.”?

The quote below describes the way I thought for most of my life:

So stop waiting until you finish school,
until you go back to school,
until you lose ten pounds,
until you gain ten pounds,
until you have kids,
until your kids leave the house,
until you start work,
until you retire,
until you get married,
until you get divorced,
until Friday night,
until Sunday morning,
until you get a new car or home,
until your car or home is paid off,
until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter,
until you are off welfare,
until the first or fifteenth,
until your song comes on,
until you've had a drink,
until you've sobered up,
until you die,
until you are born again
to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy...

Author Unknown

Now it’s time to take action—be an active participant in your life. Today IS your life—not tomorrow and not yesterday. Love the ones your with. Forgive the ones that hurt you. Instead of a smirk, give a smile.

For those of you who are hurting—scared—lonely—depressed,

You won’t feel this way forever. Hold on tight until the miracle happens. Because it will happen. It’s just a matter of time and perspective.

For those of you who are having the time of your life—who are happy, joyful, and free,

You won’t feel this way forever either. But enjoy it while it’s good. Don’t take one joyful minute for granted. Because pain is destined to come again.

I feel so fortunate to be on this path with you.

A few years ago, I came to the realization that I am the only person who will always be with me. It doesn’t matter who I date, marry, how many children I have, my family, my friends—all of them are subject to change (leave) at any time. It’s just part of life.

And I remember when I accepted it as a part of life, I looked into the mirror and said, 

“Here’s looking at you, kid”.

Wishing sweet peace to each and everyone of you,

Jen

2011 in pictures

It’s always hard to believe that our “new year” is almost over. Every year. Time always seems to speed up. Maybe it’s age. Who knows.

2011 was a good year.

I was just looking back over the montage I made from 2010 and remembering memories made….was it really almost 2 years ago?! Geesh.

I don’t have the time or memory to do a month by month play like I did last year but I will hit some of the highlights…..

I turned 29.

My nephew turned 1.

My sister got engaged.

I was accepted into Occupational Therapy School.

I have now completed 2 semesters (out of 9).

I spent a week at the beach.

I learned a lot this past year. I learned that I’m much more capable than I give myself credit for. I learned that if you quit participating in unnecessary drama, it goes away. I learned that good friends are hard to come by. And that I’ve got the best ones in my life. I came into a quiet yet unshakable confidence this past year and it feels good. I almost feel like my brain kicked back in after years of substance abuse. My thinking became clearer and I felt more grounded in reality than in previous years.

So here, in no specific order, are photos from 2011. The people in them are the ones that I am the closest to and that make up a large part of my life. I would not be who I am today if it weren’t for all the amazing people in my life.

2011, you were grand. Thanks for the memories!

FRIENDS

FAMILY

WE ARE THE OT1’S!

IRWIN

*the beginning photos of this blog were made possible by Tray Achorn, Clint, Brian, and Caroline Nanney. Thanks guys for putting up with my crazy, ridiculous ideas......