recommitment

I love my yoga teacher—I really do. I also love how the universe works and how we learn things exactly when we are supposed to—and not a moment too soon.

Today was not a very good day for me. Well, it started off not so good.

I could tell when I woke up that something was off…it started last night actually. You know that feeling when something isn’t right but you can’t put your finger on it?

I was irritable, restless, and discontent. I started to resent school and the load of this semester. It was so bad that before 7am this morning, I got down on my knees and said a little prayer….i prayed that God would guide and direct my thoughts, actions, and words…. that they would be divorced from self-pity, fear, selfishness, resentment…and that those things would be replaced with more love, patience, tolerance, peace……

And I still didn’t feel any better when I left for school this morning.

I continued to grow more resentful  throughout my day…..i contemplated leaving school several times—for the sake of my classmates. But somehow I made it through the day.

When I got home from school I was still “not right” so I took a second jog for the day and that seemed to clear my mind…and while on my jog, I made the decision to go to yoga tonight instead of studying. I’ve spent the past few days with my head in the books and I really needed to study tonight but I knew my mind needed a break.

When I got to yoga and my teacher started talking about her theme for the class I KNEW I made the right decision.

The theme for tonight’s class was on re-committing ourselves to our path in life. She gave the example that she wanted to recommit herself to her family, her health, and her dharma.

And I instantly knew that I had to recommit myself to the path I’ve chosen.

When I started off this semester I made a pact that I would take better care of myself this semester. I did NOT want a repeat of last semester when I did nothing but study because of the fear of failure. I made a pact that I would nurture the relationships in my life, be more involved in other activities, and find time to enjoy the small stuff.

And I really have honored that commitment….

until the past few weeks… when I got caught up in trying to do everything perfect and feeling like a huge failure in the process.

I am such an extremist that doing a little school and also having a leisure life seems contradictory. I’m usually either ALL school or ALL leisure. And I think I’m finding a balance and I need to be okay with this balance. But instead I feel like I’m not really “acing” school nor am I “acing” my leisure life.

But that’s okay.

I’m learning to do things differently—and that uncomfortable feeling of doing things differently doesn’t mean I have to stop doing it—it means I have to do it until it becomes a way of life—a habit. Learning to be balanced is going to have to become a habit for me…..because it’s something so foreign to my existence.

I re-committed myself tonight on my yoga mat to those things I did at the first of this year---taking care of myself physically, spiritually, and mentally—investing more of my time in the life of my family and friends—and honoring my life by being fully present in all the moments.

When I got out of yoga I had two text messages from friends I haven’t heard from in a while—and one of them I had no clue even had my number…..

I feel I must share them with you…….the first message read:

“Yes, like it or not, you are popular. But, quit beating yourself up and justifying your choices. Look at the beautiful and productive life you are creating. Love and trust yourself to give up any doubt that you somehow are not enough. Every day, we do the best we can and you seem to be doing so awesome that you inspire people and they want to move closer to you. It is a compliment but you my dear friend have the right and responsibility to love yourself enough to respect your limits. Hey and guess what? You are not responsible for any of us. So give up your guilt, it si wasted anyway if it is not serving you. I wish you lots of sleep, good grades, and healthy boundaries. Love always.”

The second message read:

“Hey this is Katie…I just wanted you to know that I saw a girl tonight I thought was you, got way too excited, did some touchdown dancing, and then had to apologize because it was not, in fact, you.”

And then my day (or night) got better.

How cool is that?!?!….that the universe…God….knew that I needed to hear all of that tonight…

It gave me chills just thinking about how things like that work….

I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m exactly where I need to be. I have (as you just bore witness to) the most beautiful people in my life…and when I’m busy being resentful and irritable I forget how awesome my life really is….school and all.

Recommitting myself to the life and path that I have chosen is going to be a daily practice from now on.

(Thanks, Scotta)

Blessings to you, my friends!

Jen