forming true partnerships

I’m pretty sure by now that you’ve picked up on the fact that I love people. I love studying people, I love watching people, I love helping people……the funny part of this is that I’m just as much of an introvert as I am an extrovert. No one ever believes me when I tell them that—unless they know me really well.

Anyway.

Because I love people, I know a lot of people. And a lot of people know me. It’s always been this way. I never remember it being any other way. (and please don’t call me “popular”—I cringe when people say that). I don’t think it’s so much that I’m “popular” as much as that I just care. And I think people pick up on that.

(I do have a point with this)….

My point being that I get a lot of phone calls, texts, emails…..from people—who, like me, are somewhat mal adjusted to life—have obstacles that seem insurmountable—are broken—at the end of their rope—suffering from addiction—from bad relationships—the list could go on and on.

I generally just listen.

And then I offer my experience.

Because my experience is all I have.

The truth is that I’m not a professional. I’m not a counselor. I’m not therapist….none of that.

I’m just a girl who has experienced all of the above mentioned things and I guess people know that and feel like they can relate to me.

My real point in telling you all of this is because I’ve noticed a pattern—a common theme, if you will……and although it is covered in many different layers—it’s essentially the same thing.

That “thing” is an inability to form true partnerships with other people.

In fact, it is one of my favorite paragraphs in one of my favorite books....

“. . . it is from our twisted relations with family, friends and society at large that many of us have suffered the most. The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being.”

Source found here

And I don’t mean just romantic partnerships—I mean all partnerships. Friends, family, co-workers, employers, cousins, etc, etc, etc.

We don’t know to have beautiful relationships.

We don’t know how to have healthy relationships.

We don’t know how to be a good partner; good friend; good co-worker; good lover……

We know how to be selfish.

We know how to be half-way committed.

We know how to be scared.

I guess one of the biggest reasons I’m writing this is because someone (who knows me well) recently said this to me:

“Jen, you spend all your time helping others and focusing on others and the relationships that are going on with them, yet you have made yourself completely unavailable.”

When I asked him what he meant by that he also said…

“you have completely cut yourself off from any possibility of having relationships with anyone you know. Sure, you’re single—but you aren’t available and I think you like it like that. It gives you power. But you’re only available or interested in people you don’t know. And then once you get to know them, you become unavailable to them.”

(and yes, in the above example, it is clearly a romantic partnership this friend was referring to)

And then he gave me several examples over the past year and the relationships that tried to come my way.

The reason I’m telling you this is because I don’t think I’m the only one like this.

The more I sit and think about it—the more I realize it’s true for a lot of people I know.

Drugs, alcohol, sex, food, video-games, gambling, isolating—

All of those things cover up the fact that we’re just scared. And we really don’t know how to form true partnerships with people. And no one is teaching us….no one is modeling healthy behavior for us.

So it becomes acceptable to have lots of different partners (friends, lovers…etc). We hold them at arm’s length and when life gets hard, or they get “boring”, we ditch them and cast our line for yet another “fun, exciting, life-altering” partner.

The problem is that during this process, we hurt those people.

But we hurt ourselves more.

Do I have a solution for this?

No, not really.

I just thought I should acknowledge this and become more aware of this so that maybe….

Just maybe….

One day I’ll become “available to the people who are present in my life.”

Until then I’m going to ponder this more.

Your feedback is welcomed. 

truth or dare

I have recently discovered two truths about myself. Well, when I say "discovered" I mean that i've finally decided to quit being in denial about them. 

The real truth is that i'm afraid of commitment and have intimacy issues. Regarding men and relationships, I mean.
I'm wishy-washy and a tease.
I sleep with men I don't like and don't care if I ever see them again.
Infact, I'm more comfortable with sleeping with someone (even a random stranger) than I am going on a date with them.

You think this is messed up, don't you?


Don't worry. I do too. 

I realize that this type of behavior is unhealthy. And I thought it would get better after I got sober. To some extent, it has. But I still have quite a ways to go. 

The thing is that i'm not exactly sure what to do about this. Of course I can continue to bug my therapist with plausible reasons why I'm like this....of I could start "dating". But that does not sound like fun to me. It sounds uncomfortable and scary and makes me want to run just thinking about it. 

I’m not saying that I have a solution for this truth about myself but it feels good to finally admit it. And put it out there. Sorry, men.


(and mom if you're reading this.....don't worry. I'm still a virgin)

The other truth isn't necessarily about myself...it's about the way our system works, so to speak. I have several friends who desperately need therapy but can't afford it. Why is this? Why does it cost so much to receive beneficial help? The people that need it the most can't afford it! And the people who can afford it, need it simply because they actually can afford it (money creates a whole lot of issues).

This isn't right.

Thank goodness my daddy is a kind and generous man. And when I call him crying about my friends who need help, he helps them. But not everyone is like my dad. And there are millions more out there who need help that have no one to help them.


I think my second truth is that I want to do something to help these people. After I finish Occupational Therapy school, I want to get my  PhD in clinical psychology.

I want to be a pro-bono therapist. 

I know that sounds silly. And I know I won't make any money. But I don't care. I can make money with my degree in OT and can give back to the community with free counseling. 

It's not even really that I personally think I can help people with my wisdom or understanding, but I can help them by simply paying them attention, providing a listening ear, and telling them that they aren't the only ones out there who are feeling what they are feeling. 

Sometimes that's all it takes. 


That's all it took for me at one time in my life.
And I still have to be reminded of it often. 

So there. Those are my two truths. They are very different from each other. 

But I never said I was perfect or anything like it. 

I'm a real girl with some very real issues. And I know I'm not alone. 

What are your truths that you’re scared to admit?

Denial is powerful. Don’t let it rob you of your life.

BE GRATEFUL TO EVERYONE

Without others, we would have no chance at all to develop beyond ego. So the idea here is to feel grateful that others are presenting us with tremendous obstacles -- even threats or challenges. The point is to appreciate that. Without them, we could not follow the path at all. Walking on the path of the dharma is connected with dealing with our neurosis. But if there were no neuros-ees, we couldn't develop any neuros-is. Therefore, we should feel very grateful to such persons. They are actually the ones who are pushing us onto the path of dharma.

~ Chogyam Trungpa, from "Transformation of Bad Circumstances," in Training the Mind and Cultivating Loving Kindness, page 92.

This is a basic tenet of psychological growth -- that we can only make so much progress on our own, then we need to be in relationship with others to see our shadow stuff reflected in our relationships.


This is something I have been thinking about a lot lately--friendship and relationships. I'm working on a post dedicated to just the term Friendship and what it means to me.


But I found this tonight while researching and thought it was too good to not pass along. 


I have not been grateful to everyone in my life lately. and the above paragraph reminded me why I should to so. 


Always room for improvement in this girl's life;) 


Thank goodness Monday is almost over!