struggle

I have to be honest with you guys—I have been struggling BIG TIME with something small, that has turned into something LARGE, since I’ve been sober—and that something is FOOD. Sugar in particular.

I know I posted this long post around the first of January about revamping my life and cutting out sugar—I even did the Master Cleanse for 14 days! And that was a good start. I dropped a few Christmas pounds, and felt a lot better. But the battle of the bulge (that extra 10 pounds that WILL not go away) is on and it seemingly has gotten so much worse just this year.

Don’t get me wrong, I know by no means that I am fat. I’m not. I’m a comfortable size 8 at the moment. But I have always been between sizes 4-6 all of my 20’s. and now, at the ripe age of 29, I just can’t seem to get back down to my ideal weight and size.

And I have to be honest—it’s killing me! It’s something that is pervading most all of my thoughts. It’s something I am constantly obsessing about.

I have ALWAYS been a relatively thin but healthy girl. Probably because I have always been active. ALWAYS. I ran my first marathon at age 18 and even in the past few months, I've run 5-6 miles daily AND I get in about 3-4 hour long yoga sessions a week. And most of the time I do eat really healthy and good. But I binge. I’ll eat healthy for 4-5 days and then eat junk food for the next 3. and then I wonder why my pants don’t fit. Hmmmm…….

It’s not just that my pants don’t fit, (although they don’t)  I’m having a hard time being kind to myself while my pants aren’t fitting. I’m basically basing my whole self worth on if my pants fit or not. And that is absurd. It’s insane. I’m telling myself horribly ugly things because of these extra 10 pounds.

I hate that I’m such an addict. I have this all or nothing mentality that is absolutely driving me crazy right now. Either I’m 100% healthy or I’m 100% unhealthy. No in-between. And since I cut out alcohol and tobacco, I’ve turned to food without even realizing it.

Now, don’t get me wrong---I LOVE food. I love to eat. I have always been a good eater. I remember people constantly remarking, “my, that girl can eat”. And it’s true—I can. And I love to eat. But lately it’s not just that I love to eat that’s getting me in trouble, it’s that I’m eating when I’m not hungry. I’m eating my emotions. I’m eating my feelings. and I’m completely addicted to sugar. It also doesn’t help that I know that my metabolism has slowed down due to my age.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like no matter how healthy I eat or how many miles I run that my pants are never going to fit again.

And that’s a lie, because eventually, they always do.

I know the answer to this is to stay consistent.

I’m talking to my friend about doing a food log and calling her at the end of everyday with what I’ve eaten—good ole accountability never hurt this gal;)

I need to practice affirmations and meditate more. My self worth is NOT based on how much I weigh. It’s based on who I am on the inside. And if I get my inside okay, my outside will be okay. I’m convinced of this.

I just thought I should be honest and let you know about this struggle. It’s frustrating. It’s difficult. It’s Life. And it’s not nearly the worst thing to be struggling with. Thank goodness this is my only problem today, right?!

I’m going to try and love myself exactly as I am. Because today may be all I have.

But boy oh boy—I can’t wait until those damn pants fit again.

One thing that may get me back on track with fitness and health is the weekend worship with Desiree Rumbaugh!! I am SO excited about getting to work with her this weekend. She is an international outstanding yoga instructor and we are HONORED that she is going to be in Jackson, MS this weekend!

So, if you don't have anything going on, hop over and join us! I'm hoping to have a lot of "ah ha" moments and get my head straight so I can get to work on resolving these body/mind issues that are going on.

If anyone has any encouragement or can relate, I'd love to hear about it!

Happy Weekend, Friends!

I hope that whatever you are struggling with, that you will know you are not alone.  Being human is hard. 

But even in great difficulty lies beauty. I'm just straining to see it;)

I hope that I always remember, no matter what I weigh.......that I AM good enough. and so are you!

The Master Cleanse

Happy New Year! 

I hope everyone has gotten off to a good start in 2011. As tradition would beckon, I have once again begun the Master Cleanse. I think I’ve done this cleanse the past 3 new years in a row. I also did the cleanse in  June 2010 and can’t tell you how many amazing benefits I saw as a result of the cleanse.

To gain a better understanding of what the master cleanse is. Please click on the link and read all about it. The web is full of information on the master cleanse.

In a nutshell, the Master Cleanse is this:

§                         The diet takes at least 10 days (up to 40 days, the period of time that Jesus fasted after his baptism, as Burroughs points out)

§                         The only nourishment that you take is a special lemonade concoction made from the Master Cleanse ingredients: lemon juice, maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and water, six to twelve glasses per day, each glass containing about 110 calories in sugar carbohydrates

§                         An herbal laxative tea is drunk at night and a quart of salt water is drunk first thing in the morning, resulting in several liquid bowel movements every day — you need to always be near a toilet when you do this diet, and you need to stock up on toilet paper

§                         You come off the diet by transitioning to solid food over a few days, ideally becoming a raw food vegetarian in Stanley Burroughs’ version of the diet.

Why am I doing the master cleanse?

I’ll tell you.

Over the past year and a half I have cut out the majority of my vices. I quit drinking. I quit using mood altering substances, and I quit smoking. But when I cut everything out, my body began to crave sugar. More sugar than normal. In fact, I have eaten more sugar over the past 6 months than I probably ever have in my life. And I’m not just talking about a sweet tooth, I’m talking about butt- loads of candy.

This, as you may guess, is not a good thing.

My remedy to get off of sugar is the Master Cleanse.

I am vowing to stay away from sugar for all of 2011.

Yes, I realize that it may be pushing the envelope a bit but I have found that once I begin to eat sugar (like most everything else in my life) I can’t stop on my own. I am just as addicted to sugar as I was to alcohol and drugs.

So, the master cleanse isn’t really about losing weight for me (although I am elated to drop a few of the 15 pounds I gained during the months of November and December) it’s more about embracing a new life style …a healthier lifestyle. One that does not include sugar.

I will be cleansing from Jan 1^st (today) to January 14^th. I will gradually transition back to solid food beginning January 15^th. I have never done the cleanse for longer than 10 days but I’m really “feeling” it this time. So, I’m going to stretch my limit.

Am I crazy?

Hell yes.

But if you know me, then you already knew that.

 I'm looking forward to spending a lot of time in prayer and meditation for the new year as I cleanse. I'm also excited about reading a book my mother gave me, Imperfect Birds by Anne Lamott.

Here’s to a new year, a new me, and a new you.

Happy 2011!