recommitment

I love my yoga teacher—I really do. I also love how the universe works and how we learn things exactly when we are supposed to—and not a moment too soon.

Today was not a very good day for me. Well, it started off not so good.

I could tell when I woke up that something was off…it started last night actually. You know that feeling when something isn’t right but you can’t put your finger on it?

I was irritable, restless, and discontent. I started to resent school and the load of this semester. It was so bad that before 7am this morning, I got down on my knees and said a little prayer….i prayed that God would guide and direct my thoughts, actions, and words…. that they would be divorced from self-pity, fear, selfishness, resentment…and that those things would be replaced with more love, patience, tolerance, peace……

And I still didn’t feel any better when I left for school this morning.

I continued to grow more resentful  throughout my day…..i contemplated leaving school several times—for the sake of my classmates. But somehow I made it through the day.

When I got home from school I was still “not right” so I took a second jog for the day and that seemed to clear my mind…and while on my jog, I made the decision to go to yoga tonight instead of studying. I’ve spent the past few days with my head in the books and I really needed to study tonight but I knew my mind needed a break.

When I got to yoga and my teacher started talking about her theme for the class I KNEW I made the right decision.

The theme for tonight’s class was on re-committing ourselves to our path in life. She gave the example that she wanted to recommit herself to her family, her health, and her dharma.

And I instantly knew that I had to recommit myself to the path I’ve chosen.

When I started off this semester I made a pact that I would take better care of myself this semester. I did NOT want a repeat of last semester when I did nothing but study because of the fear of failure. I made a pact that I would nurture the relationships in my life, be more involved in other activities, and find time to enjoy the small stuff.

And I really have honored that commitment….

until the past few weeks… when I got caught up in trying to do everything perfect and feeling like a huge failure in the process.

I am such an extremist that doing a little school and also having a leisure life seems contradictory. I’m usually either ALL school or ALL leisure. And I think I’m finding a balance and I need to be okay with this balance. But instead I feel like I’m not really “acing” school nor am I “acing” my leisure life.

But that’s okay.

I’m learning to do things differently—and that uncomfortable feeling of doing things differently doesn’t mean I have to stop doing it—it means I have to do it until it becomes a way of life—a habit. Learning to be balanced is going to have to become a habit for me…..because it’s something so foreign to my existence.

I re-committed myself tonight on my yoga mat to those things I did at the first of this year---taking care of myself physically, spiritually, and mentally—investing more of my time in the life of my family and friends—and honoring my life by being fully present in all the moments.

When I got out of yoga I had two text messages from friends I haven’t heard from in a while—and one of them I had no clue even had my number…..

I feel I must share them with you…….the first message read:

“Yes, like it or not, you are popular. But, quit beating yourself up and justifying your choices. Look at the beautiful and productive life you are creating. Love and trust yourself to give up any doubt that you somehow are not enough. Every day, we do the best we can and you seem to be doing so awesome that you inspire people and they want to move closer to you. It is a compliment but you my dear friend have the right and responsibility to love yourself enough to respect your limits. Hey and guess what? You are not responsible for any of us. So give up your guilt, it si wasted anyway if it is not serving you. I wish you lots of sleep, good grades, and healthy boundaries. Love always.”

The second message read:

“Hey this is Katie…I just wanted you to know that I saw a girl tonight I thought was you, got way too excited, did some touchdown dancing, and then had to apologize because it was not, in fact, you.”

And then my day (or night) got better.

How cool is that?!?!….that the universe…God….knew that I needed to hear all of that tonight…

It gave me chills just thinking about how things like that work….

I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m exactly where I need to be. I have (as you just bore witness to) the most beautiful people in my life…and when I’m busy being resentful and irritable I forget how awesome my life really is….school and all.

Recommitting myself to the life and path that I have chosen is going to be a daily practice from now on.

(Thanks, Scotta)

Blessings to you, my friends!

Jen

life without facebook

After my leave of absence from facebook, I can tell you a few things that have drastically changed:

1)     I get WAY more school done during the day (and evening)

2)    I’ve gone to bed almost an hour earlier every evening

3)     I pay almost 100% more attention in class. I’m not tempted to get out my phone and mindlessly fidget with it wavering back and forth between facebook and/or twitter.

4)    All the “chatter” in my mind is more calm

5)     I’m glad that I don’t know what you’re doing today. And I’m even more glad you don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going.

6)    I’ve had many more phone conversations and made more attempts to be fully present with the people that are actually IN my life (not on a screen)

7)     I feel less dumb

8)    I’m reading a lot more at night

9)    I’ve had more time to pay attention to what’s actually going on with me—instead of ignoring or evading things I need to be looking at.

10)                         I feel more “healthy” all the way around

I don’t know why it took me so long do to this. I’ve known I needed to do it for a while.

I hope your Lenten journey is one of thoughtful reflection and focus on why you do what you do. Why you believe what you believe; what changes you want to see in your life long-term; what’s keeping you from living the life you’ve always wanted to live.

In other news...

I made a brief trip home over the weekend—literally less than 72 hours but it was so wonderful to see my mom and dad—and of course my little nephew—who is almost 2!! This time I could really tell how much he’s grown. He’s talking more and his little personality is blossoming and let me tell you—he is ALL boy! That boy could play outside for 24 hours if we let him. He loves all our animals (by the way, we are now back up to 3 dogs and 3 cats! We haven’t had that many animals in years. My poor mom and dad)!

And now it’s back to the real world for me. The next two weeks at school are going to be the most hectic yet. We are getting ready to cram in a second round of tests before Spring Break—and while I’m maintaining a very B average this semester, I need to do well on these so I’ll have a little leeway going into our finals.

I have to tell you, I’m really ready to be done with this first year. The past few weeks I’ve realized how tired and worn-out I am of just my regular routine. My daily routine starts somewhere around 5:30am every morning and I usually never get into the bed before 11pm. But the end is in sight. Thank goodness. 

Blessings to you and yours!

With a full heart,

Jennifer

bikinis and guns--go team!

I always forget how quickly the last few months of Winter fly by. And for whatever reason, I seem to stay infinitely more busy in the first 6 months of the year, than the last. 

There’s something to be said about SAD (season affective disorder). I just come more alive when the weather begins to warm up and the days get increasingly longer.

Anyway—I have a new philosophy for this semester and so far, it seems to be working out alright.

The new philosophy is to study less and stress less.

(That way, i'll have more time to be bikini clad and ready to fire my guns???!!!)

That sounds contradictory I know, but it really isn't.

See, I always end up doing well in my classes. No matter how many quizzes or tests I fail in the beginning, I always come out with at least a B and more often than not, an A.

And after the hell I put myself through last semester (remember when I was doing nothing but studying Anatomy?! I do!) I made a pact with myself during the first week of school to just chill the freak out.

As a result, my schedule as grown increasingly full. Full of things that I want to do. Full of things that I love doing and that I enjoy.

For the past 3 weeks, I’ve enjoyed jogging in the mornings and alternating between Yoga and Pure Barre in the evenings. I’ve also managed to keep regular lunch and dinner dates with people in my life.

I’ve decided that while I might need to look at certain subjects (like Neuroanatomy) a little during the week, I am going to get my studying in during the weekends. And no, it’s not fun. But that way it frees up my time during the week to work out, hang out, and chill out.

Life is too short to worry about making A’s when it’s perfectly fine to make B’s (and even a C here and there, I might add).

During the month of February I have birthday parties galore.

In March, there are several wedding showers and a bachelorette party I’m in charge of because (YIKES) my sister is getting married in April!

All in all, I love my new plan. I just hope my new plan loves me.

Speaking of love...

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how vital it is to let the important people in our lives know that they are important to us.

There are so many people in my life that mean the world to me and yet I’m often “too busy” to make a quick phone call or schedule a little coffee or lunch date to let them know that they matter to me; That they are important to me.

I’ve vowed to start letting more people know.

I love studying love languages (as do most women, I’m sure).

My expressive love language is gift giving. I show my love for you by thinking about things you like and giving it in the form of a gift.

My receiving love language is quality time. If you want to tell me you love me, make time for me.

It’s really simple but I notice that more often than not, people miscommunicate because they don’t understand how they give and receive love nor do they understand how their partner gives and receives love.

It’s a very important concept and I hope you’ll take the time to just sit back and think about your love language.

 How do you give love? How do you receive love?

I think this has been plenty from me this evening.

Happy First day of February!

this is what happened when i decided to play God....

I had a meltdown.

3 days into school and I fell apart.

I was crying myself to sleep only to wake up to tears.

I forgot what this feels like.

I was really close (in my head) to going to the hospital and asking them to admit me for an indefinite amount of time. If they asked me “what for?” I was going to tell them that I just can’t do this anymore.

What is “this”? you may be asking (probably you aren’t but just in case)

“This” is “Life”.

I just didn't want to do it anymore.

Luckily, I have a dear friend who called me over and fed me tomato soup (I was in my pj’s at 5pm) and put everything into perspective for me. She ran through the last few weeks of my life and mentioned all the newness and change it’s brought….all the responsibility it’s brought…all the stress it’s brought….and suddenly I didn’t feel so crazy.

I am genuinely over-whelmed. When I got back to Jackson after a 4 week break, I hit the ground running. And I took care of everyone but myself.

See, not only am I an alcoholic and addict, I’m also a codependent.

 I feel responsible for other people’s happiness.

I’ve gotten a gazillion times better in the past few years but there are still a few folks who can tug on my heart-strings and then BAM—it’s back. My need to take care of others, to put others happiness before my own, to feel responsible for someone else’s well-being, feeling guilty and remorse for not doing more…..yeah……codependency is its own evil in and of itself.

The truth is that nothing is really wrong. School is a little over-whelming but I’ll get through it just like I’ve done the past several semesters. One test at a time. One class at a time….it will all be a-ok.

I’m not responsible for others happiness nor do they want me to be. My job is to listen and be there for them. I don’t have the power to “fix” anything. When I take that on I’m basically saying I’m God and I have the power to fix you. And we all know that I’m not God and I don’t have that power (although I have tried exhaustively for years…..trust me when I say I am a pro at this).

You know…..the truth is that I can’t do it all.

But I can do some.

When I got home from my friend’s house that night I felt the weight of the world drop off my shoulders. And I felt a little more like myself.

There are 2 things that I’ve failed to look at these past few weeks and their absence  made my meltdown so much worse….those things are…

Acceptance and Gratitude.

I didn’t accept certain things in my life. I’m some-what (okay, maybe more than some-what) of a control freak.

And instead of looking at what I do have and the fact that helping others today is a BLESSING……I chose to let my ego get the best of me and decided that I could take on the weight of the world…..

We all know how that turned out;)

I hope in the future I remember this. I probably won’t. but, maybe I’ll remember a little so that next time I won’t go so long without asking for help.

I am grateful for the fact that I can deal with issues like this today without drugs or alcohol.

I’m grateful that it doesn’t take me months or years to start correcting a problem.

I’m grateful that today, I have a choice. To breathe. Or to hold my breath.

I think I’ll start choosing to breathe more often;)

2010 in Review

2010 was a big year for me.

January: I turned 28 Jan 21^st. My friends threw me a HUGE surprise party. I will always remember that. It was amazing.

March: I moved out of The McCoy House for Sober Living in March. After going through a few roommates, I finally found one that not only has worked out but has become my dearest and bestest friend—Mary Ann Cash.

I can’t tell you enough what a huge blessing she’s been to me. She has put up with all my weird idiosyncrasies with ease and grace. Her patience deserves a gold metal.  I honestly have no idea what I would do without her. MAC, I love you to death and am beyond grateful to God for giving you to me as a roommate and best friend. Thank you for everything and I look forward to many more days and months (hopefully years) together.

May: Both my brothers graduated college! 

 My first nephew was born! 

He has stolen my heart and I cannot explain to you how much my family adores this little boy. 

He is truly my heart. My sister is an amazing mother and I continue to stand in awe of her.

I also decided to go back to school this month! I enrolled in Holmes Community College and commenced on all my perquisites for Occupational Therapy School.

June: I did the Master Cleanse again for 10 days and jump started my summer off right! I did lots of yoga and kicked up my running in high gear during the summer.

I spent a lot of time at the pool during the summer. And loved every minute of it.

I had lots of fun with friends this summer.

Mac and I at the International Ballet Competition.

Jess and I at the Mississippi Museum of Art

Me being silly before the Drive By Truckers Concert

Girls night out at Walkers

Friends at the Art Museum.

July: I finally put down the cancer stick. I have now been 6 months smoke free! and I feel fantastic.
My parents and I at Megan Pennington's wedding this summer

August: Fall semester looked like it was going to be a hard one. I was convinced that there was no way I would do well with all the sciences I was taking.
but as usual, I always manage to have some fun.

My co-workers at Meagan's Art show!

 Mac and I completed our very first Yoga Mala. 108 Sun Salutations

We all had fun at Brittany and Alex's wedding shower!

September: September 8th I celebrated being sober one whole year. I can't tell you how grateful I am for my life and for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.


 We also threw my mother a surprise 60th birthday party!

October: Halloween was super fun this year

 I also worked my tail off at my schooling. And lo and behold, I ended up with a 4.0!!! I completed my application to UMC for Occupational Therapy and am anxiously awaiting to hear something the first of the 2011.

 My dear friend, Lydia, moved back to Jackson!

I also enjoyed spending a lot of time this year with my oldest best friend, Catherine    Dufour Moore. I've loved living in the same town again with her! Sadly she and her precious family are moving back to Birmingham, AL in the new year.

November: We celebrated Thanksgiving with our only living Grandmother in Dresden, TN.

We tried to take a family shot.

Let's try that one more time.

December: When school got out for the semester, I spent most of my days at Anthro. I honestly enjoyed most of my long days there with my co-workers. Christmas was wonderful for our family. The baby’s first Christmas was sweet.

and of course, my year wouldn't be complete without my bestie, Eric.

Lessons I’ve learned:

1)    I have no control over people, places, or things. Even though I still think I do.

2)    I can do anything I set my mind to. Making an A in Chemistry gave me a lot of my self-confidence back.

3)    I can stay sober though hard things. Even when people don’t act the way I want them to, I can still stay sober.

4)    I have a temper. I never knew this about myself. I hadn’t had one in quite some time….being sober certainly brought a lot of things out about myself.

5)    How I treat myself is directly proportional to how I treat you.

6)    I am entirely too hard on myself. And on others that I’m close to. Just ask my sister.

7)    I am not the center of the universe. I learn this lesson every year though.

8)    I don’t have to tell you my opinion. On everything. I’m sure you don’t really want to know.

9)    I don’t like Mexican food as much as I used to.

10)                      I am addicted to sugar. Like, BIG TIME.

So, as I approach a new year, instead of asking what 2011 is going to bring to me, I’ll tell you what I’m going to bring to 2011.

1)    Acceptance: Practice more acceptance of myself. And of you.

2)    Kindness: kind thoughts and words

3)    Grace: I’m going to practice cutting myself some slack. And you as well. I am not perfect. Neither are you.

4)    Discernment: I’m going to ask God even harder to give me grace to put a space between my thoughts and my words. Meaning, I need to work on keeping my damn mouth closed.

5)    Selflessness: Give more love, tolerance, and patience instead of judgment, intolerance, and cynicism.

6)    Intention: Be even more open to grace.

7)    Goal: Complete at least Anusara’s immersion 1. and possibly 2.

8) Adaptable :  Be more flexible.

9)    Cheerfulness: A good attitude

10)                      Willingness: A teachable spirit.

What are YOU going to bring to 2011?

As always, I look forward to growing more this year and watching you grow as well. I look forward to the adventures that 2011 will surely bring. I look forward to learning more about myself and about you. I look forward to learning how to be a better person, friend, daughter, aunt, lover, and co-worker. I look forward to living life one day at a time. I (in a weird way) look forward to both triumphs and defeats. I look forward to watching my nephew grow and be apart of his life.  But instead of always looking forward, I’ll practice more on looking now. Looking at the moment. Living in the moment. Embracing life each day. Each hour. Each second. Until there are no more breaths to breathe.

Happy New Year, Friends!

(and of course, it wouldn't be a year in review without all the thousands of pictures I took of myself now, would it?!)

“What can be said in New Year rhymes,
That's not been said a thousand times?
The new years come, the old years go,
We know we dream, we dream we know.
We rise up laughing with the light,
We lie down weeping with the night.
We hug the world until it stings,
We curse it then and sigh for wings.
We live, we love, we woo, we wed,
We wreathe our prides, we sheet our dead.
We laugh, we weep, we hope, we fear,
And that's the burden of a year.”
~Ella Wheeler Wilcox