this is what happened when i decided to play God....

I had a meltdown.

3 days into school and I fell apart.

I was crying myself to sleep only to wake up to tears.

I forgot what this feels like.

I was really close (in my head) to going to the hospital and asking them to admit me for an indefinite amount of time. If they asked me “what for?” I was going to tell them that I just can’t do this anymore.

What is “this”? you may be asking (probably you aren’t but just in case)

“This” is “Life”.

I just didn't want to do it anymore.

Luckily, I have a dear friend who called me over and fed me tomato soup (I was in my pj’s at 5pm) and put everything into perspective for me. She ran through the last few weeks of my life and mentioned all the newness and change it’s brought….all the responsibility it’s brought…all the stress it’s brought….and suddenly I didn’t feel so crazy.

I am genuinely over-whelmed. When I got back to Jackson after a 4 week break, I hit the ground running. And I took care of everyone but myself.

See, not only am I an alcoholic and addict, I’m also a codependent.

 I feel responsible for other people’s happiness.

I’ve gotten a gazillion times better in the past few years but there are still a few folks who can tug on my heart-strings and then BAM—it’s back. My need to take care of others, to put others happiness before my own, to feel responsible for someone else’s well-being, feeling guilty and remorse for not doing more…..yeah……codependency is its own evil in and of itself.

The truth is that nothing is really wrong. School is a little over-whelming but I’ll get through it just like I’ve done the past several semesters. One test at a time. One class at a time….it will all be a-ok.

I’m not responsible for others happiness nor do they want me to be. My job is to listen and be there for them. I don’t have the power to “fix” anything. When I take that on I’m basically saying I’m God and I have the power to fix you. And we all know that I’m not God and I don’t have that power (although I have tried exhaustively for years…..trust me when I say I am a pro at this).

You know…..the truth is that I can’t do it all.

But I can do some.

When I got home from my friend’s house that night I felt the weight of the world drop off my shoulders. And I felt a little more like myself.

There are 2 things that I’ve failed to look at these past few weeks and their absence  made my meltdown so much worse….those things are…

Acceptance and Gratitude.

I didn’t accept certain things in my life. I’m some-what (okay, maybe more than some-what) of a control freak.

And instead of looking at what I do have and the fact that helping others today is a BLESSING……I chose to let my ego get the best of me and decided that I could take on the weight of the world…..

We all know how that turned out;)

I hope in the future I remember this. I probably won’t. but, maybe I’ll remember a little so that next time I won’t go so long without asking for help.

I am grateful for the fact that I can deal with issues like this today without drugs or alcohol.

I’m grateful that it doesn’t take me months or years to start correcting a problem.

I’m grateful that today, I have a choice. To breathe. Or to hold my breath.

I think I’ll start choosing to breathe more often;)