(this
is one part out of a 3 part series I’ve been working on…and while I’m certain
that this information isn’t laid out as meticulously as I would like for it to be,
it’s good enough)
I
want to talk about “feelings”.
Now,
before you click off this page as fast as you can let me also say…
I
literally despise talking about “feelings”
(unless
they are my own of course or at least when I feel justified in feeling them).
Let
me back track a bit before I launch into this soap box of mine.
During
my 20’s I was one hot emotional mess. I remember that my feelings dictated
everything—I based all my decisions on whatever feelings I was having at that
moment.
The
funny this is that feelings change every minute. The way you feel right now is
most likely not the way you’ll feel in a few hours—let alone a few days.
When
I decided to change the course of my life (almost 3 years ago) the first thing
I learned was that my feelings didn’t matter. And yes, it was a harsh reality. It’s
based on this concept:
“You largely feel the way you think”.
So essentially what they were saying to me
(“they” being an elusive term that consists of therapists, friends, etc) was
that I had to change the way I thought because my perspective about life had
gotten so skewed.
For
example….
I
was always paranoid that people didn’t like me…that I had done some irreparable
damage that could never be set right again (so dramatic)
I
really did care what you thought about me…and I based my self-worth largely on
what I thought you thought about me
I
thought that everyone thought badly of me (again, assuming everyone was
thinking about me—all the time)
I
was always trying to earn people’s love—going out of my way to be what I thought
was “thoughtful”—always hosting
parties, buying gifts, going over and above—not because I’m an altruistic
person but because I wanted you to think
that I was a self-less altruistic person
It
was ridiculously hard for me to say the word “no”
I
wouldn’t let go of things, situations, people, etc…even when they begged me to
I
was the master at self-sabotaging myself and my life
So
what happened?
(because if any of you know me in real life, at this juncture of my life, you will take note that I am almost the exact opposite of everything I just described)
What
happened was that I started acting my way
into right thinking…I didn’t feel my way into good behavior—it’s quite the
opposite in fact.
And
I didn’t even really realize the transformation until I started working with
women, much like myself, that suffer with severely distorted perceptions about
themselves and the way they view life…
One
of the biggest reasons I know my thinking has changed (and thus my feelings) is
because people don’t hurt my feelings anymore.
The
hall-mark sign of a self-centered-life-based-on-emotion is:
people
hurting your feelings
Yep.
And you know we’ve all done it and continue to do it…”what you told me
yesterday really hurt my feelings”…”I didn’t like the way that felt when you
told me _______”, “I felt so left out—it really hurts my feelings when you act
like that”…
When
people use phrases like that to me, the first thing I want to say to them is…
“Get over yourself”...
Yes, that’s a little harsh but it is also the reason you’re “feeling” so hurt….
The
truth is that…
“People and things do not upset us, rather, we upset ourselves by believing they can upset us”—Albert Ellis
And
of course there’s the famous Eleanor Roosevelt quote…
Which
is exactly true. We give consent to every “feeling” we feel. Most of us do this
unconsciously—but we can learn to do it consciously.
Why
am I even talking about this?
Because
most people believe they don’t have a choice in the way they feel. Most people
believe that their “feelings” are valid enough to base decisions off of them.
This
is false, unhealthy thinking and it leads to a life that is always contingent
on those unhealthy feelings.
“We
all feel, but many of us have unhealthy feelings much of the time, while others
have largely healthy ones. No matter how honestly and strongly you feel your
feelings, they aren’t holy; and some therapists have misled us in this respect.
They hold that all authentic and intense feelings are “good.” Well, not
exactly! That depends on your goals.”
You
don’t have to live like that.
You
do have a choice.
You
can control your feelings…but first you have to learn to control your
thoughts….
To
be continued…
"Feelings
are much like waves, we can't stop them from coming but we can choose which one
to surf."
- Jonatan Mårtensson
- Jonatan Mårtensson
