Thankful Thursdays

After reading my friend, Joy Henson’s Blog, I decided that this would also be a good thing for me to do. Thankful Thursdays.

I used to write down 5 things I was thankful for every night before I went to bed. I haven’t done that in a long time but I remember that it always made me keep perspective.

Before I begin with my list, let me tell you something. I have been a little twerp lately.  I know that I am extremely stressed. And I am extremely tired. But that is no excuse for my behavior or my attitude (or lack thereof).

When I start taking things personally or calling people really horrific names, I know it’s time to stop and do a little inventory to see what’s going on. Because one thing I DO know for a fact is that when I’m upset or angry or hurt, it’s because there’s a problem with me. Not you.

I’m sorry that my game has been less than stellar the past week.

Mr. Stranger that told me I couldn’t park in the Cups parking lot, I’m sorry I called you a really really bad name to your face. and although I was in the wrong, you were still a douche (just to be clear).

I’ve dropped the F bomb approximately 6,3948 times today.

I had to take a “mental health” day and so I’m skipping my afternoon class to reflect and write this.

In all honesty, I’m lying on the couch watching re-runs of Grey’s Anatomy.

But anyway, here is my list for this Thursday.

1.     I am very thankful for the ability to admit when I’m wrong. Awareness is the first step.

2.     I’m thankful that my second set of anatomy tests are over. As of 11am today. And I feel much better about this one than I did about the last. i'm also double thankful because our teacher gave us tomorrow off! no lab for me tomorrow morning!

3.     I’m thankful for the awesome new space heater my mom gave me. It makes my den so nice and warm. Otherwise, my apartment has been called the “coldest apartment” in Jackson by the previous renters.

4.     I’m thankful that I can start my day over at any time. I don’t’ have to wait 24 hours, I can do it now.

5.     I’m thankful that I haven’t killed my ferns yet. Although I fear their time is coming to an end.

That’s all.

I’ll write more next Thursday.

What are you Thankful for?

ever flawed but ever true

Well, well, well, what do we have here:

Hello friends. It’s me again (I always want to insert Margaret here).

I don’t remember the last time I blogged. I’m sure it was something positive and uplifting and inspiring…..my usual latte order.

However, the past few weeks have been anything BUT my usual latte.

I really did fail that test I took (the one I thought I failed). Technically I made a D, but still….. I don’t make D’s. I have almost 6 years of schooling behind me (bachelors and almost 2 masters) and I have only ever made one C in my entire life. And it was in Epistemology. And I’m pretty sure the only reason I made a C in that class was because I had started drinking in the mornings at that point. But anyway, I digress……

I failed.

And for some reason, it hit me harder than usual. I fell into a deep dark hole that took several days, lots of friends and family, and tons of chocolate to pull me out of. Oh, also a visit to the psychiatrist and psychologist. I almost forgot those;)

It was really bad, folks.

For a brief time, I really didn’t see the point of going forward. I haven’t felt that feeling in over 2 years. It took me RIGHT back to that place buried (pretty) deep within me that tells me that I’m not okay. That I’m not going to make it. That I’m too different from the rest. That I don’t belong. That I should go ahead and quit before they kick me out….before they find out who I really am.

I had forgotten that that is what’s inside of me, but somehow, no matter how far I’ve come….it’s still there. It’s just lying more dormant. And it doesn’t come to the surface as often.

I, obviously, have a lot more work to do on myself.

I don’t think that will ever end.

But what WILL end, is this gross anatomy class I’m taking.

And it will end in exactly 8 weeks.

SO, for 8 more weeks, I have resigned myself to know the material to the best of my ability….to pull up my grade and proceed forward.

I’ve spent 2-3 hours a day since that fateful day, on this material. I have even memorized most of the packets—word for word. If you would like to hear about the anterior or medial thigh, i would be most obliged;) I even put my own spin on the adductor canal;)

What this means (to me), is that I can’t do what I want. I can’t go to hardly any more yoga classes, I can’t go hear random music stuff during the week, I can’t go to the fair, I can’t go out of town, on a date, or whatever it is I do during the week. And if you know me at all, you know that I rarely do what I don’t want to do. I think we are all like that for the most part.

I’m still not completely sold on this idea of being responsible. And doing things I don’t want to do. BUT, I do believe the end result will be worth it. And even my worst day now is SO MUCH BETTER than my best day when I was living my life the way “I wanted”.

Self-actualization. That’s the goal, right? I think so…I also think Maslow thought so too;)

In better news, I only have one more full week of class and then we go on our first pediatric field work!  For one week, I will shadow an OT who works in the pediatric field. Super cool, eh?! We think so;) anything to get out us out of class for a weekJ

I hope the beginning of your Fall is going deliciously well. I’m in love with this weather. It makes me never want to get out of bed in the mornings, but other than that, it’s love at first feel;)

Until we meet again…..

I remain,

Ever flawed but Ever true,

Jen

keeping perspective

This is for my classmates. Although I have not yet started our OT1 blog, this will have to do for now.

After all, you DID elect me class writer/reporter;)

Everyone is overwhelmed. (Except Emily Pierce;)

We have more to do than we can really get done in one day.

We’re in class exceptionally long hours.

We’re tired.

We’re hungry.

We’re lonely.

We miss our mamas and our boyfriends.

We have to multi-task just to make sure we have milk (or almond milk) in the fridge.

Every time we overhear somebody talk about anatomy, we instantly feel a lump in our throats.“Oh no! They know more than I do...I must study all night”!

It’s NOT a competition.

It’s a class. And undoubtedly it’s an important class…but it is NOT the most important thing in my life (nor should it be in yours).

You guys are.

and my family.

and my friends.

Making sure that my emotional and psychological well-being is taken care of (and consequently YOURS) is much more important to me than how well I know the carpis digitalis something or other.

In the grand scheme of things, these are just classes. They are classes to help us get where we need to go. They are not the end in and of themselves.

Don’t lose sight of that!

This is a marathon, not a sprint. The person to make the highest grade in anatomy or Peds is NOT going to be the best therapist (necessarily).

It’s more about being a good person. It’s more about how you treat your classmates, your families, your spouses (or significant others).

Stress is something we create in our minds when we tell ourselves “it can’t all be done”.

Maybe it can’t. but everything that needs to be done, will get done. It always does. 

Look at your history. I would imagine that every single one of you got through whatever was the worst class in college. And I bet you all did exceptionally well.

SO, how are we going to handle the rest of the semester??

One page at a time.

One class at a time.

One day at a time.

One. Step. At. A. Time.

Your perspective is everything.  It will make or break you.

So, if you are feeling extraordinarily overwhelmed………stop. Take a breath. Change your perspective. *This is not the most important thing in your life* YOU ARE. Take care of you. Ask for help. Ask for support.

I am beyond proud of us all.

I grow to enjoy each of you more and more every day.

You guys are the bright spots in my day. You really are.

So, quit beating yourselves up.

Don’t forget, this is not a dress rehearsal. This is your life. Live it like you mean it. Enjoy it. Nurture it. But please don’t stress it.

 All my love,

Nan

just like a ballerina

why is this afternoon being so nostalgic?

why am I about to throw myself a huge pity party?

why can’t I study for this damn anatomy quiz?

do I really like him?

surely not.

why am I insisting upon drowning my sorrows with music and food?

what sorrows do i even have?

why can’t I deal with things in a healthy manner?

what happened to all those coping skills i learned?

who I am even talking to?

why is today being so weird?

do you think I’ll ever get it?

probably not.

but that’s okay.

because just like a ballerina,

the crowd will catch me.

every.

single.

time.