ever flawed but ever true

Well, well, well, what do we have here:

Hello friends. It’s me again (I always want to insert Margaret here).

I don’t remember the last time I blogged. I’m sure it was something positive and uplifting and inspiring…..my usual latte order.

However, the past few weeks have been anything BUT my usual latte.

I really did fail that test I took (the one I thought I failed). Technically I made a D, but still….. I don’t make D’s. I have almost 6 years of schooling behind me (bachelors and almost 2 masters) and I have only ever made one C in my entire life. And it was in Epistemology. And I’m pretty sure the only reason I made a C in that class was because I had started drinking in the mornings at that point. But anyway, I digress……

I failed.

And for some reason, it hit me harder than usual. I fell into a deep dark hole that took several days, lots of friends and family, and tons of chocolate to pull me out of. Oh, also a visit to the psychiatrist and psychologist. I almost forgot those;)

It was really bad, folks.

For a brief time, I really didn’t see the point of going forward. I haven’t felt that feeling in over 2 years. It took me RIGHT back to that place buried (pretty) deep within me that tells me that I’m not okay. That I’m not going to make it. That I’m too different from the rest. That I don’t belong. That I should go ahead and quit before they kick me out….before they find out who I really am.

I had forgotten that that is what’s inside of me, but somehow, no matter how far I’ve come….it’s still there. It’s just lying more dormant. And it doesn’t come to the surface as often.

I, obviously, have a lot more work to do on myself.

I don’t think that will ever end.

But what WILL end, is this gross anatomy class I’m taking.

And it will end in exactly 8 weeks.

SO, for 8 more weeks, I have resigned myself to know the material to the best of my ability….to pull up my grade and proceed forward.

I’ve spent 2-3 hours a day since that fateful day, on this material. I have even memorized most of the packets—word for word. If you would like to hear about the anterior or medial thigh, i would be most obliged;) I even put my own spin on the adductor canal;)

What this means (to me), is that I can’t do what I want. I can’t go to hardly any more yoga classes, I can’t go hear random music stuff during the week, I can’t go to the fair, I can’t go out of town, on a date, or whatever it is I do during the week. And if you know me at all, you know that I rarely do what I don’t want to do. I think we are all like that for the most part.

I’m still not completely sold on this idea of being responsible. And doing things I don’t want to do. BUT, I do believe the end result will be worth it. And even my worst day now is SO MUCH BETTER than my best day when I was living my life the way “I wanted”.

Self-actualization. That’s the goal, right? I think so…I also think Maslow thought so too;)

In better news, I only have one more full week of class and then we go on our first pediatric field work!  For one week, I will shadow an OT who works in the pediatric field. Super cool, eh?! We think so;) anything to get out us out of class for a weekJ

I hope the beginning of your Fall is going deliciously well. I’m in love with this weather. It makes me never want to get out of bed in the mornings, but other than that, it’s love at first feel;)

Until we meet again…..

I remain,

Ever flawed but Ever true,

Jen