Fear of Failure

Yesterday was a really bad day. In fact, pretty much the worst day I’ve had since I’ve been sober.

I experienced a lot of emotional pain, the details are unnecessary, but boy oh boy did I want to change the way I felt. Almost every time I feel pain, it feels like the worst thing in the world. Like the sky is closing in and the entire universe is about to crash on my head.

Yes, I’m a tad dramatic if you hadn’t noticed that before;)

On top of that, I failed my Physics test.

Yes. I typed that correctly.

I FAILED.

Made a 50 to be even more precise.

For those of you who know me personally, this is both shocking and unacceptable. Jennifer Nanney does not fail things (except for the decade in which I was majorly failing at life). Not only have I never failed anything, but I’ve made it this far with only one C on my transcript. And that C was in Epistemology, so it really doesn’t count;)

I emailed my professor and told him that this totally blew my dream of becoming a Physics rock-star.

He replied, “ Don’t let one test grade deter you from that dream!”

and then I thought about it.

and then I tried to quit thinking about it.

and now I’ve just accepted the fact that I failed. I actually faced the fear of failure. and it didn't kill me. in fact, it will most surely make me stronger. 

The entire time I’ve been writing this blog, this one quote from a Tom Robbins novel keeps coming to mind,

So you think that you're a failure, do you? Well, you probably are. What's wrong with that? In the first place, if you've any sense at all you must have learned by now that we pay just as dearly for our triumphs as we do for our defeats. Go ahead and fail. But fail with wit, fail with grace, fail with style. A mediocre failure is as insufferable as a mediocre success. Embrace failure! Seek it out. Learn to love it. That may be the only way any of us will ever be free.

But you know, although yesterday was hard, it wasn’t really that bad. The feeling of impending doom and complete and utter failure didn’t last that long.

 I went to dinner with one of my favorite people ever-- Rachel. And I was reminded of something while spending time with her. That people love me no matter what my test grades are. That people love me even when things get ugly. That people don’t expect me to be perfect all the time. And by “people” I mean my friends. I am truly blessed to have some of the most amazing friends in this lifetime. Friends that have my best interest at heart, Friends that feel my pain, Friends that feel my joy, Friends that love me no matter what.

Thank you, Friends! You make my life so much fun and meaningful. and beautiful and delicious!

Today is going to be a better day. I can already feel it in my bones.

(While I was winding down last night, I decided to go on a journey and look at some of my favorite images. I’ll share them with you here. It amazed me how much peace and serenity were brought by looking through these images. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did).

Happy Weekend!