The Paradox Of Our Time

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less; we buy more but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life, we've added years to life not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.

 We write more, but Learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information to produce more copies.

 These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throw-away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer to quiet, to kill. 

It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember to spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember to say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember to give a warm hug to the one next to you because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember to say "I Love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to Love, give time to speak, give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind. To all my friends in my life, thanks for being there!

Live with intention, walk to the edge. Listen hard, practice wellness, continue to learn. Laugh, play with abandon. Choose with no regret. Appreciate your friends.

 Dr. Bob Moorehead

* a big thank you to Jason Armstrong for reminding me of this yesterday

on turning 29...

Before I launch into my final birthday story I want to say thank you to all the folks who have sent me messages and emails telling me how I’ve touched their lives and how proud they are of me. 

Thank YOU for even taking the time to read this silly blog.

 And thank YOU for sticking by my side through thick and thin. We all have a story to tell. I hope one day, you’ll tell us yours.


If you missed part 1 and 2 click here and here.

When I began this I certainly had no intention of telling parts of my life story through my birthdays. It just sort of happened that way on its own.

So, to catch you up quickly…..

When I got out of rehab in the summer of 2007, I quickly packed my bags and moved to Nashville, TN. I was adamant that I get out of Meridian—that Meridian and the people in it were the problem. Not me. I also convinced myself (one month out of rehab) that I was not an alcoholic—just a drug addict.

 And So, I began to drink again.

I turned 26 in Nashville, TN. I lived there all of a glorious 8 months…….was fired from 3 jobs within 6 months (record breaking, I know) and my drinking was again, out of control. I wasn’t using any drugs at this time—just copious amounts of alcohol. I drank on the job, I drank myself to sleep every night…and I started to drink earlier and earlier on in the day. I thought I was just (again) lonely and depressed (and of course I was DUE to the amount of alcohol I was consuming).

I moved back to Meridian a few months after my 26^th birthday.

For my 27^th birthday, I drove up to Nashville to spend it with a guy (musician) that I was sleeping with seeing. I don’t remember those 3 days at all. I do remember I lost my iPhone and on the drive back home, I began to experience the beginning of alcohol withdrawals. Those are the worst kind, by the way. I don’t remember very much from that birthday.

All I DO know is that shortly after I moved back to Meridian, I began doing drugs again—this time it was worse than ever.

I was honestly loaded 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. When I say “loaded”…I mean that I was always on a substance. I was on uppers during the day (Adderall, cocaine), alcohol during the afternoon/evenings/ and Xanax in the wee morning hours when I would want to crash from all the speed I was doing. Repeat that cocktail over and over and there you have it—that was my life in a nut shell.

My personal life was a disaster.

 I did things I never imagined I could do. There are certain events that happened that I will take to my grave with me. Looking back, it honestly seemed like a nightmare that would never end.

When I got fired (picking up on a pattern here?) from a job that I really loved, my boss said to me,

“Jennifer, I really like you. I think you’re amazing and talented and brilliant—but I think you have a substance abuse problem”.

I looked at her and just shook my head.

I had “accidentally” missed work for a week because I ended up at the beach seeing Widespread Panic with a guy I met doing blow. Classy, I know.

At that point, I knew the jig was up again—time to go back into treatment.

This time, I called around different treatment centers—I thought I really wanted it this time—and to some extent I did.

I ended up in a 3 month treatment center in Columbus, MS.

 I did really well the first few months there but got kicked out a few days before I was supposed to “graduate”. The details of why I got kicked out aren’t near as exciting as you might think. The rules were exceptionally strict and I just didn’t follow them to a T.

BUT, it is important for me to tell you that I had convinced myself during treatment that although I wouldn’t drink or do drugs when I got out—I was determined to only do mushrooms. Because they were natural. (this is bizarre rational, by the way but it made perfect sense to me).

So, in a way—I just wasn’t ready to quit using substances that changed the way I felt.

And as soon as they kicked me out, I was drunk within the hour.

I honestly don’t remember the month after that.

I do remember that I stayed more fucked up than ever before. I was doing crystal meth/loads of downers/and literally wandering around not having any clue where I was.

My parents were at a complete loss. They had no idea what to do with me. I had no idea what I wanted. I remember my dad asked me, “Jennifer—what exactly do you want to do with yourself—your life?”

And I remember saying to him,

“I just want you to give me a shot so I can go away in peace”.

I was literally convinced that the only way for me to find and or know peace was to slip out of this world.

And with the amount and combination of drugs I was using, it almost happened.

The next day, my parents kicked me out of their house. A move they probably should have made years before.

They told me they had found a half-way house in Jackson I could move into or I could continue to live off of couches—bumming around and doing drugs.

I remember being pissed off.

But I packed my car full of my belongings (which wasn’t much, by the way) and I drove to Jackson. I had always said after college that I would NEVER live in Jackson again. The saying is true—you really should never say never.

I had no really intention on staying sober. I really had no intention on living. But something happened on the drive to my new home—I started crying. I literally broke down driving to Jackson and I prayed—for the first time in years. And I asked God for help (as corny as that sounds).

And I don’t know what really happened—most people call it a spiritual experience—but I am so grateful to tell you that I have not had a drink or a drug since that fateful day on September 8, 2009.

I lived in that half-way house for 6 months. I then moved out and started school—back on the track for Occupational Therapy.

In February 2011, I was accepted into OT school and the rest is history.

For my 28^th birthday, my new friends in sobriety threw me a huge surprise party. It made me feel so damn special. Especially since I was so new to it all. I will never forget that birthday—Thanks again guys for loving me until I learned to love myself.

Last year, for my 29th, I celebrated with a few close friends at Spice Avenue. It was quiet and sweet and quaint. Nothing like my 25^th (thank god).

And there you have it.

My journey through my 20’s.

I honestly have been so giddy lately when I think about my upcoming birthday on Saturday. I’m really, in all honesty, very excited about turning 30. I’m excited about a new year—a new decade—another chance—just everything.

For those of you who have been with me for the long haul—there really are no words to say to let you know just how much you mean to me and just how grateful I am for you.  

To my mom, dad and siblings—

You all saved my life.

Thanks for that.

Because today, I’m really really happy to be alive. 

(both pics were taken last year on my 29th birthday)

here's looking at you, kid

hello dear friends,

If this week is any indication of how this year is going to be….hold on tight and buckle your seat belts—it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

Ever since I got back to Jackson on Monday, my phone has been ringing off the hook. A lot of friends who want to catch up, a lot of business related calls, and several calls from friends of mine who are really having a hard time. 

The saying is proving true—when it rains, it pours.

My heart goes out to all my friends—near and far—who are suffering.

 Who are hurting. Who feel betrayed. angry. confused. frustrated. lost.

You know, when life is good—I always seem to forget the bad. And when it’s bad, I always forget the good. Strange how that works.

I love what my friend always tells me:

The good part is that you won’t feel this way forever.

The bad part is that you won’t feel this way forever.

Hmmmm…….

The only thing we really can rely on is change. Yet it’s usually something we resist with all our might.

What is it that you’re holding on to that is preventing you from living your life?

What’s the one thing you tell yourself, “When this occurs, my life will be perfect.”?

The quote below describes the way I thought for most of my life:

So stop waiting until you finish school,
until you go back to school,
until you lose ten pounds,
until you gain ten pounds,
until you have kids,
until your kids leave the house,
until you start work,
until you retire,
until you get married,
until you get divorced,
until Friday night,
until Sunday morning,
until you get a new car or home,
until your car or home is paid off,
until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter,
until you are off welfare,
until the first or fifteenth,
until your song comes on,
until you've had a drink,
until you've sobered up,
until you die,
until you are born again
to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy...

Author Unknown

Now it’s time to take action—be an active participant in your life. Today IS your life—not tomorrow and not yesterday. Love the ones your with. Forgive the ones that hurt you. Instead of a smirk, give a smile.

For those of you who are hurting—scared—lonely—depressed,

You won’t feel this way forever. Hold on tight until the miracle happens. Because it will happen. It’s just a matter of time and perspective.

For those of you who are having the time of your life—who are happy, joyful, and free,

You won’t feel this way forever either. But enjoy it while it’s good. Don’t take one joyful minute for granted. Because pain is destined to come again.

I feel so fortunate to be on this path with you.

A few years ago, I came to the realization that I am the only person who will always be with me. It doesn’t matter who I date, marry, how many children I have, my family, my friends—all of them are subject to change (leave) at any time. It’s just part of life.

And I remember when I accepted it as a part of life, I looked into the mirror and said, 

“Here’s looking at you, kid”.

Wishing sweet peace to each and everyone of you,

Jen

occupational therapy: the what and the where

I get asked all the time, “what exactly is an occupational therapist?” and “what do occupational therapists do?”

My answer to you is that I really don’t know. I’ve only completed 2 semesters (out of 9) of OT school and I’m just now sort of kind of forming my own opinion and understanding of our profession and what it is that “we” do.

So, please remember that as a first year OT student, my answer will look much different than one written by a third year student or by an actual practicing OT.

My understanding of what we do is this…

We help people achieve whatever it is they want to achieve but can not do so independently because of a disability (both physical and cognitive), illness, difficulty, impairment, etc.

We exist so that YOU may live life more fully. We work to help you do whatever it is that you want to do but can no longer do it by yourself.

For example, if you were in a car accident and sustained a traumatic brain injury and your first and true love was gardening but now your brain will no longer allow you to put together the systematic sequential steps it takes in order to garden, we would come in and help you. We might help you with sequencing (cognitive) and we might help you with strengthening (to hold your garden utensils or whatever) and we might help you modify or adapt anything you can no longer do by yourself. Essentially, we will do whatever it takes so that you can participate in an activity that is vital to you or meaningful to you.

It could be anything... cooking, tennis, education, work, horse-back riding, yoga, music…whatever it is that you need to do and that you enjoy doing…we step in to be sort of a gentle guiding hand to see that you are able to do those things again.

We work in all kinds of settings... hospitals, clinics, nursing homes, private practice facilities, schools, psych units, addiction centers, hospice homes, you name it—we’re there.

As you can probably already tell, there really is no limit as to what we do or where we do it.

We do it all.

We are, by nature, very holistic. We address the whole person…not just the physical aspect (which is more of what Physical Therapists do). We address your emotional state, your cognitive state, your spiritual state, and your physical state.

So, that’s it in a nut-shell.

Why am I, personally, choosing Occupational Therapy as a profession?

Because it just fits with what I feel my purpose here on earth is—to help others.

To help others live life to the fullest; To help others find purpose and passion either for the first time, or again; To make sure people know that no matter what they go through, they are still vital and important; They are still worthy and they are still capable of finding “it” again…whatever that “it” is for them. That spark, that little flicker of joy, the missing puzzle piece..... the magic of life.

In what setting do I want to work?

I think that I would most like to work in the mental health field. 

I am also highly interested in getting an advanced degree/certificate in emotion-regulation and in working as a consultant. Both of those sound wonderful to me. But who knows. At the end of my 3 years, all of this may change. I may want to work in an elementary school. Ha! (probably not, although I do love children).

And of course, my long term goal is to have my PhD in Clinical psychology by the time I’m 40. Which means that I’ll work in the field for several years before going back to school.

I hope that this has been helpful.

If not, please ask away! I’ll do my best to answer with what limited knowledge and understanding I have.

All I know is that I chose the best field for me and I am VERY excited about my future career.

What an honor it is to do something that I love and feel passionate about. I wish more people would choose their careers based on passion and purpose rather than money.

The majority of people I know hate their jobs. This actually may have to do more with the person than their chosen profession…but it’s just an observation.

Do you like your job? Why? Why not?

what easter means to me

Easter is such a special day to so many people and for so many different reasons. The number one reason (for professing Bible believing Christians) is that today is what gives meaning to life. If you follow and believe the Bible, today means that we get to keep living after we die—we will live eternally because Christ has arisen!

I don’t talk much about religion on my blog. I don’t feel very comfortable doing that. and sometimes i feel uncomfortable reading about on others blogs….just for me, I’ve been though so many different seasons of differing religions that I used to find it very offensive. But now I try to practice acceptance of you and your beliefs—whatever they may be. And in turn, I ask kindly that you do the same towards myself and others;)

And I’m certainly not going to get into any lengthy discussion on this forum about religion and all of that—but today, for many reasons, is very special for me.

One reason being that my Mother made this holiday the most important and celebrated holiday of the entire year—to her, it is the MOST IMPORTANT. and I knew from the time I was about 18 months old, that today was not about the Easter Bunny (although we DID do the Easter Bunny routine…..we still do it, infact) but it was about the fact that someone loved me enough to die for me—so that I may have eternal life.

I highlighted that last sentence because I believe strongly that it shaped and molded me to become the person that I am today.

Because I believed it.

I grew up with an internal belief that God is good.

And that I am loved. Not just by my parents but by the creator of the universe.

I grew up believing that because He died and loved me, that my life’s purpose was to love others.

I think this did several things for me as a child and as a growing adult---it gave me a firm sense of self. It gave me a positive and optimistic out look on life. It gave me a sense of purpose and passion. It gave me an unshakable self-esteem. It taught me to be compassionate and to open to Grace. It taught me how to love unconditionally.

The list could go on.

It’s taken me years to be able to write this and be public about an issue of this stature—but I am So thankful to my Mother and Father for instilling in me the belief that not only am I loved and wanted, but that I am loved unconditionally—and wanted more than I could ever imagine.

I think most people live their entire lives searching for those two things—somebody to love them and somebody to want them.

To say I am blessed is an understatement.

Another reason I love easter—almost as much as the first, is that I love candy. And every easter, I eat as much candy as I can possibly fit in my tummy. today was no exception;)

I also love that easter symbolizes life and death—being dead to our old selves and awakening to the new. For me, it’s about transformation—winter is over and spring has arrived. It’s a time of reflection…of purification….of taking a deeper look in. Deciding what’s important, making small changes to bring more peace and harmony into my life.

And always for me, easter is about humility—about unselfishness. And I know I have a long road to hoe, but it’s a road worth traveling on. Life IS difficult—no one said it would be easy (I think those are lyrics to many songs. Ha!) but easter reminds me that we can do it! It reminds me to love more, to be more compassionate; to think more of others and less of myself; to give more of myself to others; to live with honor and respect for myself and others.

I hope each and every one of you that reads this has had a blessed Easter.

I usually don’t do posts this long or wordy or personal, but I can’t get the pictures downloaded to post! Ha! Working on that now! My time in Meridian with my family was awesome and I captured some great pics! Will post them soon.

Until then,

Sweet Dreams!

Jennifer

at last

Today was a happy day for me.

I broke my fast.

I lasted for 12 days. Actually 11and ¾. But who’s counting;)

I made a very expensive trip to Rainbow Whole Foods after yoga this afternoon and purchased a lot of organic produce. And some other yummy things as well. Including the much dreamt of Almond Butter;)

I then came home and juiced my little heart out. I borrowed my Mother's Champion Juicer, which is what I grew up with, and I absolutely love it!

Carrots, Beets, and Apple.

And then Carrots, Beets, and Celery, and Ginger!

And then my tummy started to growl.

And I gave in.

That Almond butter has been calling my name for days now! I got a little carried away and ended up eating 2 whole apples dipped in Almond butter and then home-made granola I bought at Rainbow. I might have over-done it but boy it tasted good!

Although this cleanse was a little harder than the others I’ve done, it was well worth it. I have glowing skin, am more grounded and aware of my surroundings (boy, are all my senses heightened!) and best yet, my jeans fit again. Hooray!!

On another note, I started my Physics class today. Looks like it’s going to be a doozy. Lots of studying will commence shortly.

And I started up a team for Relay For Life 2011!!! So, If you are interested in being a part of my team or just donating a little of your money, please let me know! Any amount will be appreciated!

Other than that,

Happy Hump Day, Bloggers!