ever flawed but ever true

Well, well, well, what do we have here:

Hello friends. It’s me again (I always want to insert Margaret here).

I don’t remember the last time I blogged. I’m sure it was something positive and uplifting and inspiring…..my usual latte order.

However, the past few weeks have been anything BUT my usual latte.

I really did fail that test I took (the one I thought I failed). Technically I made a D, but still….. I don’t make D’s. I have almost 6 years of schooling behind me (bachelors and almost 2 masters) and I have only ever made one C in my entire life. And it was in Epistemology. And I’m pretty sure the only reason I made a C in that class was because I had started drinking in the mornings at that point. But anyway, I digress……

I failed.

And for some reason, it hit me harder than usual. I fell into a deep dark hole that took several days, lots of friends and family, and tons of chocolate to pull me out of. Oh, also a visit to the psychiatrist and psychologist. I almost forgot those;)

It was really bad, folks.

For a brief time, I really didn’t see the point of going forward. I haven’t felt that feeling in over 2 years. It took me RIGHT back to that place buried (pretty) deep within me that tells me that I’m not okay. That I’m not going to make it. That I’m too different from the rest. That I don’t belong. That I should go ahead and quit before they kick me out….before they find out who I really am.

I had forgotten that that is what’s inside of me, but somehow, no matter how far I’ve come….it’s still there. It’s just lying more dormant. And it doesn’t come to the surface as often.

I, obviously, have a lot more work to do on myself.

I don’t think that will ever end.

But what WILL end, is this gross anatomy class I’m taking.

And it will end in exactly 8 weeks.

SO, for 8 more weeks, I have resigned myself to know the material to the best of my ability….to pull up my grade and proceed forward.

I’ve spent 2-3 hours a day since that fateful day, on this material. I have even memorized most of the packets—word for word. If you would like to hear about the anterior or medial thigh, i would be most obliged;) I even put my own spin on the adductor canal;)

What this means (to me), is that I can’t do what I want. I can’t go to hardly any more yoga classes, I can’t go hear random music stuff during the week, I can’t go to the fair, I can’t go out of town, on a date, or whatever it is I do during the week. And if you know me at all, you know that I rarely do what I don’t want to do. I think we are all like that for the most part.

I’m still not completely sold on this idea of being responsible. And doing things I don’t want to do. BUT, I do believe the end result will be worth it. And even my worst day now is SO MUCH BETTER than my best day when I was living my life the way “I wanted”.

Self-actualization. That’s the goal, right? I think so…I also think Maslow thought so too;)

In better news, I only have one more full week of class and then we go on our first pediatric field work!  For one week, I will shadow an OT who works in the pediatric field. Super cool, eh?! We think so;) anything to get out us out of class for a weekJ

I hope the beginning of your Fall is going deliciously well. I’m in love with this weather. It makes me never want to get out of bed in the mornings, but other than that, it’s love at first feel;)

Until we meet again…..

I remain,

Ever flawed but Ever true,

Jen

Fear of Failure

Yesterday was a really bad day. In fact, pretty much the worst day I’ve had since I’ve been sober.

I experienced a lot of emotional pain, the details are unnecessary, but boy oh boy did I want to change the way I felt. Almost every time I feel pain, it feels like the worst thing in the world. Like the sky is closing in and the entire universe is about to crash on my head.

Yes, I’m a tad dramatic if you hadn’t noticed that before;)

On top of that, I failed my Physics test.

Yes. I typed that correctly.

I FAILED.

Made a 50 to be even more precise.

For those of you who know me personally, this is both shocking and unacceptable. Jennifer Nanney does not fail things (except for the decade in which I was majorly failing at life). Not only have I never failed anything, but I’ve made it this far with only one C on my transcript. And that C was in Epistemology, so it really doesn’t count;)

I emailed my professor and told him that this totally blew my dream of becoming a Physics rock-star.

He replied, “ Don’t let one test grade deter you from that dream!”

and then I thought about it.

and then I tried to quit thinking about it.

and now I’ve just accepted the fact that I failed. I actually faced the fear of failure. and it didn't kill me. in fact, it will most surely make me stronger. 

The entire time I’ve been writing this blog, this one quote from a Tom Robbins novel keeps coming to mind,

So you think that you're a failure, do you? Well, you probably are. What's wrong with that? In the first place, if you've any sense at all you must have learned by now that we pay just as dearly for our triumphs as we do for our defeats. Go ahead and fail. But fail with wit, fail with grace, fail with style. A mediocre failure is as insufferable as a mediocre success. Embrace failure! Seek it out. Learn to love it. That may be the only way any of us will ever be free.

But you know, although yesterday was hard, it wasn’t really that bad. The feeling of impending doom and complete and utter failure didn’t last that long.

 I went to dinner with one of my favorite people ever-- Rachel. And I was reminded of something while spending time with her. That people love me no matter what my test grades are. That people love me even when things get ugly. That people don’t expect me to be perfect all the time. And by “people” I mean my friends. I am truly blessed to have some of the most amazing friends in this lifetime. Friends that have my best interest at heart, Friends that feel my pain, Friends that feel my joy, Friends that love me no matter what.

Thank you, Friends! You make my life so much fun and meaningful. and beautiful and delicious!

Today is going to be a better day. I can already feel it in my bones.

(While I was winding down last night, I decided to go on a journey and look at some of my favorite images. I’ll share them with you here. It amazed me how much peace and serenity were brought by looking through these images. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did).

Happy Weekend!