why your feelings don't matter (part 1)

(this is one part out of a 3 part series I’ve been working on…and while I’m certain that this information isn’t laid out as meticulously as I would like for it to be, it’s good enough)

I want to talk about “feelings”.

Now, before you click off this page as fast as you can let me also say…

I literally despise talking about “feelings”

(unless they are my own of course or at least when I feel justified in feeling them).

Let me back track a bit before I launch into this soap box of mine.

During my 20’s I was one hot emotional mess. I remember that my feelings dictated everything—I based all my decisions on whatever feelings I was having at that moment.

The funny this is that feelings change every minute. The way you feel right now is most likely not the way you’ll feel in a few hours—let alone a few days.

When I decided to change the course of my life (almost 3 years ago) the first thing I learned was that my feelings didn’t matter. And yes, it was a harsh reality. It’s based on this concept:

 “You largely feel the way you think”.

 So essentially what they were saying to me (“they” being an elusive term that consists of therapists, friends, etc) was that I had to change the way I thought because my perspective about life had gotten so skewed.

For example….

I was always paranoid that people didn’t like me…that I had done some irreparable damage that could never be set right again (so dramatic)

I really did care what you thought about me…and I based my self-worth largely on what I thought you thought about me

I thought that everyone thought badly of me (again, assuming everyone was thinking about me—all the time)

I was always trying to earn people’s love—going out of my way to be what I thought was “thoughtful”—always hosting parties, buying gifts, going over and above—not because I’m an altruistic person but because I wanted you to think that I was a self-less altruistic person

It was ridiculously hard for me to say the word “no”

I wouldn’t let go of things, situations, people, etc…even when they begged me to

I was the master at self-sabotaging myself and my life

So what happened?

(because if any of you know me in real life, at this juncture of my life, you will take note that I am almost the exact opposite of everything I just described)

What happened was that I started acting my way into right thinking…I didn’t feel my way into good behavior—it’s quite the opposite in fact.

And I didn’t even really realize the transformation until I started working with women, much like myself, that suffer with severely distorted perceptions about themselves and the way they view life…

One of the biggest reasons I know my thinking has changed (and thus my feelings) is because people don’t hurt my feelings anymore.

The hall-mark sign of a self-centered-life-based-on-emotion is:

people hurting your feelings

Yep. And you know we’ve all done it and continue to do it…”what you told me yesterday really hurt my feelings”…”I didn’t like the way that felt when you told me _______”, “I felt so left out—it really hurts my feelings when you act like that”…

When people use phrases like that to me, the first thing I want to say to them is…

“Get over yourself”...

Yes, that’s a little harsh but it is also the reason you’re “feeling” so hurt….

The truth is that…

“People and things do not upset us, rather, we upset ourselves by believing they can upset us”—Albert Ellis

And of course there’s the famous Eleanor Roosevelt quote…

Which is exactly true. We give consent to every “feeling” we feel. Most of us do this unconsciously—but we can learn to do it consciously.

Why am I even talking about this?

Because most people believe they don’t have a choice in the way they feel. Most people believe that their “feelings” are valid enough to base decisions off of them.

This is false, unhealthy thinking and it leads to a life that is always contingent on those unhealthy feelings.

“We all feel, but many of us have unhealthy feelings much of the time, while others have largely healthy ones. No matter how honestly and strongly you feel your feelings, they aren’t holy; and some therapists have misled us in this respect. They hold that all authentic and intense feelings are “good.” Well, not exactly! That depends on your goals.”

You don’t have to live like that.

You do have a choice.

You can control your feelings…but first you have to learn to control your thoughts….

To be continued…

"Feelings are much like waves, we can't stop them from coming but we can choose which one to surf."

- Jonatan Mårtensson