I Remember

Today I am celebrating 18 months of Living. 

Living without alcohol and drugs and unhealthy relationships.

I rarely talk about my life before. I usually only talk about my life today and how awesome and great it is, but I don't talk a lot about what my life used to be like because it's painful to remember. 

But I never want to forget. because I never want to go back where I used to be.

Today, I am grateful for the pain. Because it makes the sweet even sweeter.

Below is a letter than I wrote to a loved one whom has been suffering from the throes of addiction. I never sent the letter. I think it pretty much sums up what it was like, what happened, and what it's like today.

My hope and prayer is that my life-- my past, and my present-- will be used for goodness.

I remember what it’s like to feel like the whole world is against you. And that my parents were my worst enemies. Even though deep down, I knew they were my biggest fans. I remember wondering what was wrong with me. I didn’t know what it was but I knew something was wrong with me. Normal people didn’t seem to have as many conflicting thoughts or ideas running through their heads most of the time. They didn’t seem to be caught in constant chaos and have the same weekend stories to share as I did.  I remember being extremely irritable, restless, and discontent. If only I lived in London, or Asheville. If only I had a certain boyfriend, or a boyfriend at all. If only I weighed 115 pounds I would be perfect. If only I could figure out how to make ___________ love me like I loved them. If only I had a certain job or had my own house or did more yoga or eat more healthy…..THEN I would be happy. Then all my problems would go away. See, it was always everybody else. Everyone else except me. I was the victim, you see. It was what the world did to me. Not what I did to the world. I thought everybody in the world knew what a fuck up I was. Silly me, I actually thought everybody thought about me. All the freaking time. 

I remember thinking I must have some type of disease. A horrible one. Like cancer. I remember convincing myself that everything I was doing was good. I lied to myself so much that I actually believed all my lies.  The shame, the guilt. Add more shame, and even more guilt. Add misery and despair.  Add knowing what I was doing was wrong but telling myself it was normal.  I remember thinking I had control. That I was, infact, master of my destiny or fate. I never understood why people wouldn’t act like I wanted them or expected them to act. 

You know what? No matter where I moved, who I dated or didn’t date, how much yoga I practiced or how healthy I ate…..i was still me. And I was still unhappy. I still hadn’t found “it”. Whatever “it” was. I just couldn’t find it. No matter what kind of cocktail I drank (so to speak) I could never get the combination right.  I always just got a little more sad and a little more lost the more I tried to find happiness in people, places, and things.  I did things I never thought I was capable of doing. Everything I swore I would never do, I did. I always believed I was, in general, a good person. But good people didn’t quite act like I did or do the things I did.  Deep down, I hated who I was. I hated what I had become. I remember feeling unworthy. And unwanted. That was the worst.  I remember thinking I was just going to die a miserable soot because I couldn’t figure out how to make it in life.  It was like everybody else got an instruction book on Life and I didn’t. I remember feeling alone. Like no one else understood.  I remember telling myself I was too smart and mature to act like this.

And then I broke down. I got to the place where I couldn't imagine my life with alcohol and drugs and i couldn't imagine my life without them. I was truly at the jumping off place. I had almost no hope. I was defeated and I knew it.

I remember crying. I remember really crying for the first time in a very very long time. and while I was crying, I prayed. My prayer wasn't elaborate. I remember saying, 

"God, I have made a huge mess out of my life. Please, Please help me. I don't even know how I need your help, but I know I do." 

I believe that for the first time in almost 10 years, I was humbled. and I recognized my need for a power greater than myself. 

And then I decided to try and do something different. Or really, a lot of things different. Decided is a verb. It means action. It wasn’t until I took some action that my life began to change. It wasn’t until I handed over my role as “master of the universe” and let someone else in the driver’s seat that things began to get better.   I began to listen instead of thinking I knew all the answers. Obviously if I knew how to live my life, I would have done it by now.  Believe me, I tried to live my life according to my rules and it got me nowhere.  So I decided to let someone else guide me and direct me. I started realizing that I had no control. Zero. Zilch. No control over others. Or their actions. Or their words. I had no control over what happens or didn’t happen. I had no control over anything except my attitude, action, and words. I started realizing that I was the problem. The whole time. Not anyone else. Not my parents, ex-boyfriends, jobs, friends, etc, etc…it was ME. If I am not the problem, then there is no solution. I am and always have been,  the problem. And I began to see that all of my difficulties and problems were of my own making. I’m the one who made the decision to continue going down the path I did for so long. I’m the one who decided to drink. No one poured alcohol down my throat. Or put cocaine up my nose. Or made me have unhealthy relationships. I did everything to myself. I began to take responsibility for myself. I began to see that everyone wasn’t really wrong. Infact, most of them were right. I was the one who was wrong. I realized that selfishness was the root of all my troubles. And lack of control was my dilemma. I started to realize how insane I had been. I continued to do the same thing over and over and over but expecting different results everytime. 

And something began to happen in my life. I began to experience peace. And purpose. And passion. And finally, contentment.  I realized that the resentments I was holding against people was only hurting me. Not them. A resentment is like drinking a bottle of poison and hoping it will kill the other person. It’s pretty silly when you think about it. I learned that what people think about me is none of my business. Infact, very little is actually my business. And what’s not my business is you.  I began to live life a little differently. I began to take responsibility when I was wrong. and began to keep my side of the street clean. I realized that I am an ego maniac with an inferiority complex. I sure don’t think much of myself, but I’m all I think about;) The shame and the guilt began to disappear. Although they often come back to visit. I began to be able to look you in the eye.  I began to start caring and thinking more of others than I did of myself. I realized I had a purpose and a reason for living. I realized that my purpose is to be of maximum service to God and others. That kindness, love, and tolerance are my code of ethics.  I began to realize that self-centered fear had ruled my life. That I was either scared I wouldn’t get what I wanted. Or have something I loved taken away from me. Now, I just try to do my best. And leave the results up to somewhere else. 

My life today is good. It’s still hard. And it’s a lot different than before. But it’s a good kind of different.  Today I run my thoughts and ideas by someone else. Because my best thoughts got me into a lot of trouble.

Today it’s nice not to be in control. It’s a welcomed relief.  It’s nice to not have all that anger and hurt inside of me all the time. It’s nice to treat people with love and kindness. It’s nice to have good friends. And it’s nice to be able to be a good friend. 

Today I have purpose, passion, and an honest desire to help others. Those are things I wouldn't trade for all the booze in China;) Today I hope to leave a legacy of goodness. 

Thank you for being apart of my journey. I would not be where I am today if it weren't for all the amazing people who crossed my path at one time or another. For the continued support and encouragement (even if it meant cutting me out of your life). For believing in me even when there was little left to believe in.  and for Loving me until I could learn to love myself.

I am beyond grateful.

I am beyond amazed.

I stand in awe.

Here's to another 18 months and hopefully many more after that--

one day at a time, anything is possible.

I remain,

as always,

yours,

Jennifer

P.S If you have any questions about anything in this post, PLEASE feel free to contact me! Jennifer.Nanney@gmail.com