2 years

I honestly can’t believe that it’s been 2 years.

Some days it seems like it’s been at least a decade.

And then others it doesn’t seem real at all.

This past week has been much more emotional than others. It was like I was living in slow motion through scenes of my past. I haven’t felt so many different emotions all at once in years. So strange.

I don’t really know what to say.

Except, I never thought I’d make it.

Neither did my dad.

I remember him calling me after I had been sober for about 3 months and for the first time in a really long time, I heard relief in his voice. He said, “I’ll be honest with you baby girl….i didn’t think you had a fighting chance left”.

I really didn’t have a chance left. I had long ago used up my 9 lives.

I really don’t understand it at all. Why I “got” it and why other don’t get it.

I’ve buried 4 friends in 2 years.

It’s a pretty certain fact that I’ll attend more funerals than I will weddings.

Someone asked me what I have learned.

What have I learned in 2 years?

I feel like I haven’t really learned that much. Except how to live life one second at a time without any mood altering substances.

(all I have left now is sex and food and well…we won’t talk about those here right at this moment).

I’ve learned to say what I mean and to mean what I say.

I’ve learned that I’m not going to die despite whatever heart-wrenching emotion I’m feeling. They really do pass.

I’ve learned that no matter what happens, I’m going to be okay. 

but probably the biggest thing I've learned is this..

Is my life bigger and better today than it was 2 years ago?

Yes and no.

It’s certainly a lot different.

But please don’t misunderstand.

Despite the big grin and the cackling laugh, it’s not all roses. There are some scars that I don’t’ think will ever quit hurting. No matter the length of time they’ve been there.

(i feel like this was written about me)

They did tell me that it wasn’t going to be easy. And it hasn't been.

But they did tell me it was going to be worth it.

And it is.

This goes out to you. this would not have been possible without you. and yes, I’m talking about you.

I am what I am and who I am, in large part, because of you.

The simple fact is this. No matter what happens to me, no matter how bad things get or how much it hurts, I know for a fact that I am loved.

And at the end of the day, I think that’s all people really want to know.

Thank you friends and especially family.

With deep love and gratitude,

I remain,

As always,

Yours.

Here’s to another 2 years of being free.  

(and although my new hair color was NOT planned, i thought it was just perfect for this anniversary.) If you never remember anything else from me, remember to be spontaneous. Life really is too short not to be.