truth or dare

I have recently discovered two truths about myself. Well, when I say "discovered" I mean that i've finally decided to quit being in denial about them. 

The real truth is that i'm afraid of commitment and have intimacy issues. Regarding men and relationships, I mean.
I'm wishy-washy and a tease.
I sleep with men I don't like and don't care if I ever see them again.
Infact, I'm more comfortable with sleeping with someone (even a random stranger) than I am going on a date with them.

You think this is messed up, don't you?


Don't worry. I do too. 

I realize that this type of behavior is unhealthy. And I thought it would get better after I got sober. To some extent, it has. But I still have quite a ways to go. 

The thing is that i'm not exactly sure what to do about this. Of course I can continue to bug my therapist with plausible reasons why I'm like this....of I could start "dating". But that does not sound like fun to me. It sounds uncomfortable and scary and makes me want to run just thinking about it. 

I’m not saying that I have a solution for this truth about myself but it feels good to finally admit it. And put it out there. Sorry, men.


(and mom if you're reading this.....don't worry. I'm still a virgin)

The other truth isn't necessarily about myself...it's about the way our system works, so to speak. I have several friends who desperately need therapy but can't afford it. Why is this? Why does it cost so much to receive beneficial help? The people that need it the most can't afford it! And the people who can afford it, need it simply because they actually can afford it (money creates a whole lot of issues).

This isn't right.

Thank goodness my daddy is a kind and generous man. And when I call him crying about my friends who need help, he helps them. But not everyone is like my dad. And there are millions more out there who need help that have no one to help them.


I think my second truth is that I want to do something to help these people. After I finish Occupational Therapy school, I want to get my  PhD in clinical psychology.

I want to be a pro-bono therapist. 

I know that sounds silly. And I know I won't make any money. But I don't care. I can make money with my degree in OT and can give back to the community with free counseling. 

It's not even really that I personally think I can help people with my wisdom or understanding, but I can help them by simply paying them attention, providing a listening ear, and telling them that they aren't the only ones out there who are feeling what they are feeling. 

Sometimes that's all it takes. 


That's all it took for me at one time in my life.
And I still have to be reminded of it often. 

So there. Those are my two truths. They are very different from each other. 

But I never said I was perfect or anything like it. 

I'm a real girl with some very real issues. And I know I'm not alone. 

What are your truths that you’re scared to admit?

Denial is powerful. Don’t let it rob you of your life.

your heart is my pinata

Upon being asked about his books, Chuck had this to say....

"If you haven’t already noticed, all my books are about a lonely person looking for some way to connect with other people.

In a way, that is the opposite of the American Dream: to get so rich you can rise above the rabble, all those people on the freeway or, worse, the bus." ~Stranger Than Fiction: True Stories (2004)

*This blog contains images with quotes above each image from one of Chuck Palahniuk's books.*

  I had the honor of getting to see Chuck Thursday night at Hal & Mal's for his Damned tour. 

If you are not familiar with this author, i highly suggest you become so.  

What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.~Choke

I've met God across his long walnut desk with his diplomas hanging on the wall behind him, and God asks me, "Why?"

Why did I cause so much pain?Didn't I realize that each of us is a sacred, unique snowflake of special unique specialness?Can't I see that we're all manifestations of love?

I look at God behind his desk, taking notes on a pad, but God's got this all wrong. We are not special.

We are not crap or trash either. We just are.We just are, and what happens just happens.

And God says, "No, that's not right." Yeah. Well. Whatever. You can't teach God anything. 

~Fight Club

"Behind a veil, you're the great unknown," she says. "Most guys will fight to know you. Some guys will deny you're a real person, and some will just ignore you."

The zealot. The atheist. The agnostic. ~ Invisible Monsters

The best way to waste your life is by taking notes. The easiest way to avoid living is to just watch.~Lullaby

 She'd wear shades of lipstick you'd expect to see around of the base of a penis. ~Invisible Monsters

The unreal is more powerful than the real. Because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because it's only intangibles, ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. People, well, they die. But things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on. If you can change the way people think. The way they see themselves. The way they see the world. You can change the way people live their lives. That’s the only lasting thing you can create. ~Choke

 And the more she could imagine this island, the less she liked the real world. The more she could imagine the people, the less she liked any real people.  It got until she didn’t belong anywhere. It got so nobody was good enough, refined enough, real enough. Nothing was as real as her imagined world.~Diary

You will always have some excuse not to live your life.~Haunted

Proposition 26

Dear Friends,

I’m not going to write a lengthy blog about the pros and cons of proposition 26.

But I DO have a few things i'd like to share.

First off,

The guy who proposed the bill, Les Riley, is a religious fanatic. 

The only reason that this bill has gotten this far already is because people are ignorant and /or uninformed (especially those who call themselves "Christians"). And this is just one of the many reasons why I have been turned off from Christianity since I was young.

I think that anyone and everyone who knows me would agree that nobody believes in the sanctity of human life more than I do.

It is something that I have fought for my entire life. To truly live; to give others a chance to truly live; to reduce the amount of suffering; to give hope; to give love; to give myself up for the higher purpose and the higher good for all man-kind.

My point in telling you that is that you can still believe in the sanctity of life AND be against this bill. 

This proposition isn’t really about abortion. It’s about control and legalism and claiming that the government knows best about women and their reproductive system.

Please read this excerpt from a PRO-LIFE physician.

Friends, this is not really about being pro-life or pro-choice. This is about a crazy man who is trying to gain more followers by coming up with propositions such as this one.

What I really want to get across is that you need to be FULLY informed before you vote.

Please take time to read this article about The Facts about Amendment 26

This is not about liberals and conservatives. This is about women; and our bodies; and what is best for us. and what is best for us to NOT allow this bill to pass. 

 The fact that this bill has gotten this far scares me to death.

Please, please, please let’s not make our state look any worse by supporting this cause.

Do the right thing and vote “NO” on November 8^th, 2011.

To learn how to get involved with Prop 26, click here.

the grass is greener.....

......on my side?

actually, the saying is, "the grass is greener on the other side"....but today i realized that actually, the grass is greener on my side. here's the deal....

I’ve been on a major self-pity pot lately.

I’m somewhat depressed.

And I just got on new medicine…that is apparently working backwards from what it’s supposed to.

*Ugh*

I literally hate being in my body. I feel fat, gross, and severely ugly.

People assure me this isn’t the case but geesh, I’m not convinced.

The only thing I’ve thought about for the past 2 weeks is anatomy. I’ve quit going to yoga because I don’t have time to take away from studying. I’ve quit jogging in the mornings because I don’t want to get out of bed. I haven’t washed my hair in over a week. I think I’ve showered every few days or so…..

And then this morning I read this blog….about a woman who has 8 children. She gave a recent account of her morning at the grocery store with 5 babies. The account is funny and remarkable (to me) and can be read here. 

BUT,

It made me stop and think, “wait a minute.......your life really isn’t so bad, Jennifer”.

I started thinking about my life and somewhat comparing it to this woman’s life (who is also a VERY talented photographer and has the most GORGEOUS family I’ve ever seen). She pops out babies like it’s nothing..home-births and all. And manages 8 children…no maid, no cook….and she's not much older than I am!

I live alone. Have no children. My dog lives with my mother. The only responsibility I really have at home is watering my plants everyday (and paying my bills on time). Oh, and going to school;)

I get to go to sleep whenever I want and when I wake up, I only have myself to think about.

I can go out of town on a whim or without much notice.

I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want (although I really shouldn’t).

I get to lie on the couch and research ridiculous topics while watching Bulletproof (and writing this blog).

She can’t do any of those things. Because 8 people DEPEND on her…day and night….night and day…she has NO break from that.

To say I admire her is an understatement.

BUT, to say that I actually WANT that for my life is FAR from the truth……

I’m too selfish. I don’t want 8 people depending on me. In fact, I really don’t want anyone depending on me.

Instead of feeling sorry for myself and my drab ho-hum life (as it’s suddenly become due to my catastrophe in anatomy), I felt a little empowered. I really can do whatever I want.

I don’t know many women who can say this………

It makes me respect women who decide (or don’t decide but somehow have tons of kids) to have children….but I have to say, I’m glad I’m not there yet.

I’ll take my life as a student…studying interesting things, cutting on cadavers, lunches with classmates, being spontaneous, eating ice cream on my couch….the ability to do whatever I want!

this is one of those times when i realized that the grass doesn't look greener on the other side....it actually looks greener on MY side. 

One day this may not be the case, so for now…..i’m going to enjoy every last drop of freedom that I have. 

ever flawed but ever true

Well, well, well, what do we have here:

Hello friends. It’s me again (I always want to insert Margaret here).

I don’t remember the last time I blogged. I’m sure it was something positive and uplifting and inspiring…..my usual latte order.

However, the past few weeks have been anything BUT my usual latte.

I really did fail that test I took (the one I thought I failed). Technically I made a D, but still….. I don’t make D’s. I have almost 6 years of schooling behind me (bachelors and almost 2 masters) and I have only ever made one C in my entire life. And it was in Epistemology. And I’m pretty sure the only reason I made a C in that class was because I had started drinking in the mornings at that point. But anyway, I digress……

I failed.

And for some reason, it hit me harder than usual. I fell into a deep dark hole that took several days, lots of friends and family, and tons of chocolate to pull me out of. Oh, also a visit to the psychiatrist and psychologist. I almost forgot those;)

It was really bad, folks.

For a brief time, I really didn’t see the point of going forward. I haven’t felt that feeling in over 2 years. It took me RIGHT back to that place buried (pretty) deep within me that tells me that I’m not okay. That I’m not going to make it. That I’m too different from the rest. That I don’t belong. That I should go ahead and quit before they kick me out….before they find out who I really am.

I had forgotten that that is what’s inside of me, but somehow, no matter how far I’ve come….it’s still there. It’s just lying more dormant. And it doesn’t come to the surface as often.

I, obviously, have a lot more work to do on myself.

I don’t think that will ever end.

But what WILL end, is this gross anatomy class I’m taking.

And it will end in exactly 8 weeks.

SO, for 8 more weeks, I have resigned myself to know the material to the best of my ability….to pull up my grade and proceed forward.

I’ve spent 2-3 hours a day since that fateful day, on this material. I have even memorized most of the packets—word for word. If you would like to hear about the anterior or medial thigh, i would be most obliged;) I even put my own spin on the adductor canal;)

What this means (to me), is that I can’t do what I want. I can’t go to hardly any more yoga classes, I can’t go hear random music stuff during the week, I can’t go to the fair, I can’t go out of town, on a date, or whatever it is I do during the week. And if you know me at all, you know that I rarely do what I don’t want to do. I think we are all like that for the most part.

I’m still not completely sold on this idea of being responsible. And doing things I don’t want to do. BUT, I do believe the end result will be worth it. And even my worst day now is SO MUCH BETTER than my best day when I was living my life the way “I wanted”.

Self-actualization. That’s the goal, right? I think so…I also think Maslow thought so too;)

In better news, I only have one more full week of class and then we go on our first pediatric field work!  For one week, I will shadow an OT who works in the pediatric field. Super cool, eh?! We think so;) anything to get out us out of class for a weekJ

I hope the beginning of your Fall is going deliciously well. I’m in love with this weather. It makes me never want to get out of bed in the mornings, but other than that, it’s love at first feel;)

Until we meet again…..

I remain,

Ever flawed but Ever true,

Jen