blessed are the flexible...

.…for they shall never be bent out of shape.

One of the traits I most admire and respect in people is their mental flexibility. I believe that it’s the hallmark sign of an emotionally healthy and mature person. What gets us most bent out of shape is our expectations. We expect things to go a certain way and for people to act a certain way and when things don’t go as planned or when people don’t act like we think they should—we get upset. We get frustrated and angry and throw a fit like a 2 year old. Yet if you step back from any situation and change your perception and ask yourself, “Does this really matter in the grand scheme of things?”—I think you’ll find that the answer is always no. It doesn’t really matter. It’s usually never a life or death matter. It’s a matter of changing the way you view things.

I think being mentally inflexible isn’t something we’re often aware of. Our professor changes something on the syllabus or forgets to tell us something about a test and we FREAK out. Why? Our professors are human. They make mistakes too. A friend makes dinner plans with you two weeks in advance and then cancels on you 15 minutes before you walk out the door. Throwing a fit isn’t going to affect your friend. It’s only going to affect you. You realize there’s been a miscommunication with your co-worker and you completed the wrong paper work for a client. Blaming your co-worker might make you feel good for a few seconds but why not change your perception and realize that it’s just not that big of a deal-- even if you wasted a few hours. You can either choose to look at it as “wasted time” or as a learning tool. 

Earlier this week I had movie plans with a friend. She told me I could choose the movie. I chose Argo. I’ve been dying to see this film and had been looking forward to seeing it for days. I needed a strong, emotionally resilient film for the state of mind I was in. I didn’t want to see a quirky, weird, independent film. I usually really like those—but not that day. I wanted to leave the theater with that feeling of triumph.

Yet I looked at the wrong times for the theater we were going to. I looked at the time for the movie showing on Lakeland. But we went to Madison. When we got there the movie was sold out and had started 20 minutes before. Without any hesitancy I said, “Well what’s playing in the next few minutes?” and lo and behold another movie was playing that we also wanted to see (Seven Psychopaths) and so we bought tickets and continued along with our plans. Although the movie was weird and quirky and I did not leave the theater with feelings of wonder and amazement about the human race, it was a funny film and I enjoyed spending time with my friend.

The Jennifer a year ago (and possibly a week ago) would have been put out that she wasn’t going to get to see the one film she was dying to see. She would have pouted or sulked and possibly looked up times for the same film at other theaters. (ok I’ll stop the typing in 3^rd person).

But I didn’t. I really didn’t think too much about it. And it wasn’t until the movie was over and we were walking out of the theater that I begin to process this. And then I realized what I’ve really been trying to learn the past few years is how to be mentally flexible. You can call it “go with the flow”, “compensation” “adaption”…there are many words that mean the same thing. But it all boils down to being able to cope when things don’t go the way I want them too. Being able to adapt and change my perspective because that keeps my quality of life high. The more time I spend thinking about what should have happened or what could have happened is time that has been spent in the past and not the present. It serves no purpose. It doesn’t allow me to enjoy my life because I’m thinking about something that went awry. 

Why is it so hard for us to stop, realize what’s going on, accept that there’s nothing we can do about it, and then move forward? Why does no one do this? Why have I just started doing this? My life would have been SO much easier if I had started realizing this and practicing this before now. But it’s just now really dawned on me that this is what I’ve been working towards for the past 3 years.

I want to be mentally flexible. When things don’t go my way, when people cancel on me, when my family and friends disappoint me, when I don’t like the movie someone picks or the place to eat someone picks, or when my hypothetical boyfriend and I have a misunderstanding. I want to be able to stop. Realize what’s going on. And I want to ask myself if this really matters. And 9 times out of 10 I bet it won’t. And then I want to shift my attitude and perspective and say, “carry on”. 

That’s my goal.

If you see me get bent out of shape (and I’m sure you will because heaven knows I’m not perfect) then I hope you also see me adapt and change my perspective and quickly resolve whatever misunderstanding or expectation that existed in the first place.

You don’t have to throw a fit. Or if you do that’s okay. But you don’t have to allow it to change your attitude and affect your entire day. You are responsible for your actions and words regardless of the way you feel.

So let’s start a revolution and strive to become mentally flexible. The real test will be the next time someone lets you down or your expectations are shattered or someone cancels on you….how will you react? I don’t know—but let’s just try being flexible and see what happens next.

“Nothing in the world is more flexible and yielding than water. Yet when it attacks the firm and the strong, none can withstand it, because they have no way to change it. So the flexible overcome the adamant, the yielding overcome the forceful. Everyone knows this, but no one can do it.”

Lao Tzu