silly voices

Life can be so funny…so strange.

There are such sweet elements of delight followed by strong elements of sorrow and sadness.

I wonder if the rest of the world experiences this on a regular basis as well.

I am sitting here watching Ceremony on this Friday night while tinges of sadness and loneliness keep creeping in. Weird. Where are they coming from? I spend the majority of Friday nights by myself, but and yet, why is this one so different?

I kind of wish I had gone out.

But where would I go?

Who would I go with?

What’s wrong with me?

(these are questions that I’ve asked myself my entire life).

I want my best friend to hold me.

(and yes, I mean you)

I want some random genius to whisper less than stellar poetry in my ear.

(do I really?)

I want something. But I don’t know what.

My life has been plagued by that feeling—that thought.

When I started learning to live life without substances, they told me not to think but to “do”; To get busy—helping others, pouring myself into community service—to get out of myself.

I guess to a large extent, I do that on a regular basis.

Maybe that’s what’s wrong with me tonight.

I haven’t gotten out of myself.

I’m somewhere hidden deep inside.

And the voices are telling me…

that everything is not okay…

that something is missing..

that something is wrong.

But it’s not.

Silly voices.

(by the way, if you didn’t already know I was crazy, this is your confirmation.)

The Bobcat

“What do people like myself and my friends do on a random Tuesday night?” You might be asking yourselves (I feel confident that you are)…

Why…

We throw a huge masquerade party and call it

The Bobcat.

Yep. That’s how we roll.

I had the honor and privilege of attending what is most assuredly the BEST party of the century---and in my home-town to boot.

Tuesday evening, “my boys” (they do have names—Eric Aycock, Patrick Flanagan, and Sean Omlor) decided to throw down and get down for their crowns. We never need an “excuse” to party, but we did have several reasons for this one.

Namely that our two-dear-lovely-adorable friends are moving! One left today for Los Angeles (the beautiful and lovely Hannah Ford) and the other one (Lindsey Brown) is moving to Memphis in a week!

We threw down in royal fashion with masks and disco balls and a playlist that would make even your own mama shake what the good lord gave her.

I danced for 4 hours straight. I was dripping with sweat after the first 30 minutes.

Leslie Lee Marshall (my adopted big sis) was so gracious as to let us use her downtown facility, Elegance Ballroom Dance Studio, to host our shin-dig.

I got to see dear friends of mine that I hadn’t seen for at least the last 2 years, if not longer.

We hugged, kissed, danced, and hugged some more.

These people have seen me through some of my very lowest and darkest times.

and now they are seeing me through one of the best and most positive times.

Without a shadow of a doubt, I know these people love me. And I most certainly hope they know how much I love them.

In all our bizarre and quirky ways, we are a family. We hold each others’ hands through thick and thin. We laugh, make-fun of, and belittle one another. We also adore, nurture, and affirm one another.

I can not imagine my life without them.

It’s a huge reminder that goodness abides.

We may be a little rough around the edges, but in the center, there’s nothing but goodness to be found.

Regarding Love, Dating, and all that jazz

(Please take note...this blog contains foul language and possibly may offend you. If so, you at least had my warning up front. This is not a "family" blog mainly due to the pictures i chose to post throughout it. with that, happy reading!)

I knew the day would come when I would have to address this subject. And I guess since it’s been a recurring question in the last week (especially) that the time is now.

Most people want to know how it’s possible that I am 29 and single and also why I’m not married.

(my brother calls me once a week asking me if I’ve found a man yet…which is both endearing and annoying).

I always respond by saying,

“have you ever met me?”

Surely, if you have, you would know the answer to that.

But (*le sigh*), they don’t.

And I guess, I don’t really know the answer to it either.

But here is what I do know about myself.

1)     I’m pretty picky. I don’t like someone just to like them. I don’t date people just so that I’m not alone. Which brings me to point deux.

2)    I love being alone. I also love people, but I especially enjoy my alone time. This is also a very selfish reason, and I’m completely aware of that. But for the last year, I have enjoyed just taking care of myself. I’ve enjoyed bonding with other women. And I’ve gotten a LOT accomplished. More than I ever could in a relationship.

3)    I’m a little scared. Well, that’s actually a lie. I’m a lot scared. If you examine the past decade of my relationship history, you will find the missing weapons of mass destruction.

4)    I’m scared you'll hurt me

5)    But i'm more scared i'll hurt you

6)    I haven’t really had anything to offer you. Except a lot of drama and un-necessary baggage.

7)     I’ve just talked myself out of it

8)    It’s just too complicated

9)    There’ s no number nine because I’m tired of writing about this.

I think the real answer for me and probably for you is that it’s just not the right time. Not the right person. Not the right situation.

not

the

right

time.

Or is it?

I don’t know. You tell me.

Side note: Don’t get me wrong, I love to love. I love falling in love; I love the idea of love; I love the concept; but I hate dating. I think it’s stupid and pretentious.

But I can tell you that I'm really not all that worried about it. and if I'm not worried about it, then you probably shouldn't be either. 

                                     

“When we're incomplete, we're always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we're still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on--series polygamy--until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure every relationship we enter.”

 ~Tom Robbins

Poindexter Park

Every 3^rd Saturday of the month, I’ve been volunteering down-town at Poindexter Park.

Haven’t heard of Poindexter park? That’s because it’s in the “bad part of town”. The place where white people don’t go (unless of course you’re looking for dope). The place where the “ghetto” is.

My dear friend, Vasch, invited me months ago and it wasn’t until I got into school that I actually took her up on that offer.

You see, volunteering and participating in community service are things that are very close to my heart. Always have been. (My friend Bill refers to me as the Fu&%ing Humanitarian.) But I didn’t really know how to get involved. I didn’t really want to give any of my time away because I was far too busy having “fun”. But in my head, it always seemed like a really nice thing to say..”oh yes, Mrs. Brown, I spent 4 hours tilling the community garden this morning, what have you ever done with your life?”

Anyway. The point is that I didn’t know how to get involved. I didn’t really know if I wanted to. But now that I have, I can’t get enough. Most of my weekends are now spent volunteering at different places. I meet the most amazing people. I have an opportunity to do for someone, what they can’t do for themselves. I have an obligation to give back hope to the world because several people gave it to me when I had none.

It wasn’t long ago that I was one “those people”. I was basically home-less. I was wandering around with alcohol in-hand in seedy places looking for things that I thought would make me happy. I was that person. I was the person people prayed for. I was on lots of church lists. And hell, I hope I still am. I need as much prayer as you have;)

But maybe that’s why my heart is so sensitive and maybe that’s why I always leave these places having another sort of spiritual experience—because I can relate; Because I feel their pain; their hopelessness.

Today we (a lot of my OT classmates joined in!) tilled the community garden and put down fresh soil. We also weeded a lot.

We also walked around the neighborhood, knocking on doors and giving away fresh produce from the garden.

And then we fed about 50 guys in the park.

I had wanted to sleep in this morning. It is Saturday after all.

But I’m so glad I didn’t.

If you or anyone you know would like to get involved in the local community, please don’t hesitate to contact me. We need all the help we can get.

Jennifer.Nanney@gmail.com

stuck in my head

This space

These legs 

 Blackberry buttercream frosted brown sugar cupcakes!

These beautiful healthy women

The backs of these dresses

This quote

Blessings to you this Friday! I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

giving back

If you know me at all, you know I’m passionate about a few things…primarily helping people and supporting the local community.

This weekend I had the opportunity to do both!

I wanted to take some time to tell you about a few local ministries and organizations that are bettering the lives of many and are right here in our community of Jackson, MS.

Friday night I had the privilege of working with Sonbeams (a ministry of Pear Orchard church).

This amazing ministry helps in giving back by offering a “Parent’s night out” for those with developmental disabilities. Every other month, Sonbeams offers parents a night off while we (the volunteers and staff) get to know their children better and engage in a variety of activities.

This past Friday, we assisted in helping prepare boxes for Operation Shoebox drop (Christmas in July) to children all over the world who live in poor countries and have virtually nothing. We painted boxes and lids and I was amazed at our creative the children were.

We also played a lot of basketball, sang songs, and had a story and snack time.

I had the honor of being “buddies” with a 19 year old non-speaking girl. She immediately stole my heart. She held my hand as we walked around the church and was so kind and gentle. She was so alive and so full of life and yet this precious little girl can not communicate with the world like we do. But she does it in her own way. And she understands everything we say to her.

My heart was so full of joy when I left and I can not wait to go back and work with them again. My little buddy helped me more than I’m sure I helped her. And she didn’t even know it.

Last night (Saturday) I was honored to be a part of the JFP's  7^th Annual Chick Ball.

What is the Chick Ball? ( you may be asking)

The Chick Ball is a super awesome fund-raiser that celebrates women and supports the fight against domestic violence.

My dear friend and yoga teacher, Tara Blumenthal, pulled me in this year to help her Emcee and lend a helping hand.

I am pleased to say everything went much better than I had anticipated (in my head) it would. Hal & Mal’s was packed. At one point we had to shut the doors because the number of people inside exceeded the fire code!!!!!

There were so many amazing musicians who participated and every single dime went to the Center for Violence Prevention.

At the end of the evening, we all cut loose and danced the night away. I left sweaty and tired but again, my heart was full of joy.

Giving back brings me more satisfaction, more happiness, more joy than anything else in this world.

God has blessed with me an amazing life—full of sorrows and joys—but He’s blessed me with two working hands and feet and a mind that seeks to understand and know people—so that I may serve them; so that I may be used as a channel of love for others.

The purpose of my life is not really to be an Occupational Therapist someday. It’s not to be rich, skinny, and fabulous (although those would be great)…it’s not to be a mother, daughter, or sister.

My purpose is to be of maximum service to God and others.

My purpose is to give back as much as I can, wherever I can, to all the people I can.

And my purpose is served through being an Occupational Therapist someday, through being a mother (someday), through being a daughter and a sister and a friend.

I woke up this fine Sunday morning feeling good about my life; feeling good about the direction it’s taken for the past few years; feeling good about the world and the people in it. And I know it’s not because of me or anything I’ve done really. It’s because of letting go and surrendering and allowing people to come into my life and letting people leave my life.

Tomorrow I may feel differently.

But today, I’m super grateful.

With deep love and gratitude,

Jen

“Life is a gift, and it offers us the privilege, opportunity, and responsibility to give something back by becoming more”

 ~ Anthony Robbins

Karma

I've been thinking a lot about the concept of Karma.

I think because so many people were speaking of revenge. Revenge for Caylee Anthony as her mother was found not guilty in a trial which left the world dismayed and outraged (again) at our Justice system.

And then a friend of mine was telling me this brutal story of a loved one who was deeply betrayed by her lover. Abandoned, betrayed, rejected…this beautiful girl left shattered because the illusion of another lover looked better.

And then of course, I got to thinking about people who had caused me personal pain in the past….lovers, friends, false-friends, bosses, co-workers, sisters, brothers….

And then I thought about myself. And all the pain, harm, suffering, and wrong doing that I caused others.

Karma, boys and girls, is a bitch, as they say. But she is also gentle and wise and has a way of making things make sense if we but give her time to work her magic.

The law of Karma states:

Whatever you do to others - will be done to you, in this or any future incarnation of your soul.

Every action generates a force of energy that returns to us in like kind . . . what we sow is what we reap. And when we choose actions that bring happiness and success to others, the fruit of our karma is happiness and success.

And when we choose actions that harm and hurt others, the fruit of our karma is pain and suffering.

I must say that on a very personal level, I have seen Karma work in every instance in my life.

The boyfriend that caused the most harm?

He suffered (at the hands of the universe) more than I would have ever wished for him too.

The boss that treated her employee’s wrong?

She’s suffering right now as I type this.

The friend that stabbed me in my back and betrayed me?

She’s suffering right now too. She hates herself. And her decisions show it.

Now, these things took a lot of time to pass before I saw them. Some of this Karmic law took 10 years before it came to pass. But it always comes.

And don’t think I’m excluded. I’m not.

Trust me.

I’m suffered for the poor decisions I’ve made; for all the people I’ve hurt; for all the pain my actions caused others. And most everyone witnessed publicly my shame and humiliation.

And I have no doubt that I will continue to suffer for painful and negative choices…I’m certainly not perfect. But today, I try and keep the law of Karma at the forefront of my life. I try to remember that what I’m saying and doing in this exact moment, really does matter. It's shaping my future. It's shaping my soul… right as I type this.

To all of my friends who are reading this right now……please take note---Your hurt and pain have not gone unnoticed. The harshness of the world and the people in it are not getting away with their vicious and malicious acts against you.

Justice is at work…and at hand everyday. We just can’t always see it with our eyes.

But I have an unwavering faith in a power much greater than myself. In a power much greater than all the harm and pain and suffering that is going on in the world and in your life.

Don't forget that you are worthy just because you exist.

You are a child of God.

And Justice/revenge is not ours for the taking.

The BEST revenge is to live well; to live your life to the fullest; to forgive; to not harden your heart; to remain open and allow love to channel through you.

I’m not mourning for Caylee Anthony today. I mean, I am, but I’m not worried. Karma’s got this. God’s got this. Her persecutors will not get away with what they did even though it looks like that right now. They are suffering inside more than you could ever possibly imagine.

I’m not mourning over the loss of the boyfriend who betrayed me and left me for another woman. Karma’s got this. God’s got this. He will suffer more than I could possibly wish upon him. Maybe not right this second, but he will.

Please understand that I’m not saying I actually wish harm on these people. I actually don’t anymore. But I just know, sure as I know my own name, that they will suffer because they caused so much suffering to others.

(If you think I’m talking about you, chances are 99.5% I’m not.)

What’s the point of this ridiculously long blog?

To Love more; To Trust more; To live more fully and more freely; To treat others with respect and honor; but mainly, just to love more.

Think about it.

What does your Karma look like?

You’re shaping your future right this very moment.

Make it count.

People pay for what they do, and still more, for what they have allowed themselves to become.  And they pay for it simply: by the lives they lead.  ~Edith Wharton

july in the queen city

Happy 4^th of July, Friends!

I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday and spending it with loved ones.

I had a marvelous weekend in my home-town.

It was my dad’s 62^nd birthday,

and I got to hang out with old and new friends.

I go to meridian a lot but I rarely see anyone but my family. This weekend I decided it was time to see the old gang again.

And I’m so glad I did.

Good conversations, good food, and funny moments abounded.

I’m blessed to have such good people in my life.

 sisters

As usual, the center of attention this weekend was the baby. He’s growing so fast and gets cuter everytime I see him!

Dad’s birthday dinner at El Norte

the beautiful and brilliant Robin! 

 Patrick sure is pretty! (he’s going to kill me when he sees this photo resurface!) 

 Sean and Robin acting out what it looks like to be “in love”.

Sean and Robin showing us what it looks like to have been married for 25 years and headed for divorce.

 How cute is Sean?? I wish I could put him in my pocket and carry him around with me every where!

This is what I look like when Patrick and Eric are working

 this is what I look like when Patrick and Eric are hanging out with us!

 My new adorable friend!

The ladies! Oh how I love my Hannah Ford! 

 While we were hanging out, this is what Patrick was busy doing…

And this is what Eric was busy doing… 

as you can plainly see, my time in Meridian was precious.

can't wait to see my family and friends again..

now...back to studying. 2 more mid-terms tomorrow!

I'm celebrating Wednesday by dining at Parlour Market with two of my favorite ladies ever! 

and once again, HAPPY 4TH OF JULY! 

May all beings everywhere be happy and free! today and every day of the year!

Blessings to you!

jen